AIBU to replace my daughter's lost comfort toy and say it was found?

[BingoHeeler]

DD has a specific soft toy that she’s had since she was a baby. She actually had 2 the same as we bought a spare for nursery but she soon realised there were 2 and loved them both equally. She’s nearly 5 now but still very attached - sleeps with it and wants it when she’s upset etc.

Last year we went on holiday to Spain and while in a city we lost one of the toys, she was understandably very upset. But we did have the spare and we offered to buy her another. However she has never taken to the new one in the same way (she asked for a different colour so it isn’t exactly the same). But the spare is very much loved still.

In a couple of weeks DH is going to Spain on a stag do. When he mentioned this to DD she immediately said, will you find my toy’s name and bring it back?

Which has got us thinking. I’ve looked on vinted and there are second hand versions of the same toy, a little scruffy and loved as hers was so would pass as the same one. We could buy it and then when DH returns from Spain tell her that he found it at a lost property or something. She’d be so happy but part of me thinks it’s not great to lie to her. What do you think?

YANBU - buy the toy and pretend we found it, it would make her happy
YABU - don’t buy the toy and pretend it’s the same one, you shouldn’t lie to her

Yes 100%. Would be lovely to have her beloved toy returned to her. I did the same and it’s a secret I will take to my grave.

If you “do” Santa and the tooth fairy you are already lying to her 😉. I think it’s a lovely idea - you could even make up stories of what the toy got up to in Spain (educational!). I know what a pain it is when a child has one particular toy they are attached to. When we moved house many years ago we found several forgotten “spares” of my son’s obsession in the back of cupboards: we were well prepared!!

We had one that returned two years later after travelling the world.

No, I wouldn't do this. She will know it's a lie very soon (within a few years) because it's so obvious and that will undermine her trust in you. It might be different if it was something she wouldn't realise about until adulthood. Plus she may tell other people now and they will question it.

You're introducing a load of unnecessary complexity and stress into your life for no purpose and it's very likely to backfire.

Personally I wouldn't. For 2 reasons, one that growing up means learning that things are transitory and it's easier to start learning that lesson with inanimate objects like soft toys. The second is that this has the potential to become a complex lie.

She'll know instinctively the story is unlikely to be true, and might therefore want a whole detailed backstory. When that backstory isn't forthcoming or isn't coherent (because coming up with plausible, consistent cover stories off the cuff is actually really hard) the lie is exposed and that can be more painful than the original loss.

Do your kids lack trust in you after they discover Santa isn’t real? When the child is older, and IF this comes up in conversation, they are far more likely to appreciate the effort to make her happy. More likely is that she will have forgotten all about it.

Yes absolutely. We did this several time with DS's favourite toy (and ended up buying up spares on ebay). We told him that toy had been visiting friends or gone on holiday and had now come back. On one occasion we had to tell him that we had used the "extra fluffy washing powder" as the toy was suddenly suspiciously much fluffier.

When he got past the age of comfort toys we did give him all the spares and told him the whole family of relations had come to stay. He still has (and loves) them to this day (and he's now 21).

When he was about 16, he asked if he could use the "extra fluffy washing powder" to wash something. As we looked at him, there was a "penny dropping" moment, and we had to share the full tale of all the toy replacements. He definitely appreciated what we'd done :)

Do it, but only if you are 100% certain she will not know it isn't the same one. I know my DD knows her special teddy in forensic detail and I'd never get a dupe past her!

Mine would have known straight away that it's not the original. It's the texture and the labels!

No, but we always did Santa fairly lightly.

It's such an obvious lie and the child is 5, not a toddler. So much capacity for it to go wrong almost immediately and very little benefit.

When my friend found her young dd's goldfish floating one morning she rang me.. We set upon using a carrot as a cunning stand - in. Among the toys in the tank it worked! Fishy was fine after school( and our trip to the pet shop).
A white lie to restore dd is fine imo op.

My dd was 25 when she realised we had done this with Bella the Monkey!

The risk is that she will know straight away. One of my DC has had a blankie since birth and they know every single last strand of it and would have instantly detected an imposter at that age.

I think a better solution would be to say the your DH visited a very special lost-and-found shop in the city and thinks he has found your DD's toy. Then leave it up to her to accept it or not?

Do it. Though none of the 'its been on holiday' bs, tell them you contacted lost property in the original city and they sent it to she's city for him to collect, at least that's partly believable...

After a year any subtle differences could be explained away. It's fairly easy simple story he went to where you were staying and someone had found it and handed it in and they had been keeping it just in case you came back. It might have been damaged while lost, or washed, or played with a bit or repaired if it looks a bit different.

White lies to little children are inevitable if you don't want to confront them with the bad things in the world at a young age. Taking the moral high ground of always telling the truth can be cruel to children.

Yes, we did this many times.
also with fish and hamsters!

Children instinctively know that Santa isn't real, the story doesn't make sense when you think about it. And this shared understanding is what makes the transition to "not believing" easier. But Santa is a nice bit of magic and children like the idea because it's creating magic in their lives.

But the whole "we've found (replaced) a missing toy" doesn't create magic, it creates distrust because it's a falsehood. It's a plausible story that is untrue, unlike Santa who is never really plausible, but is just fun.

I'd feel differently if the toy had only just been lost. But in this case it was lost a year ago, mourned and replaced with a similar one. I don't see why you would re-open it all, given that it could go wrong, when there's no real need to do so. Why introduce lies just for the sake of it?

The morality of a white lie wouldn’t concern me because there are often ways in which we have to manage the truth for children’s good.
But this is the kind of lie you have to carry to your grave!

I couldn’t have passed off a dupe with one of my dc because he knew every tiny detail down to the placement of the scuffs on the plastic eyes.

Do you think she’ll know?

We attempted this but apparently it didn't smell the same and was discarded! They aren't stupid!

Could he post it while there so it just arrives at home so you don’t have to lie /make up stuff an just say must have found its way home

that you put a post on Facebook etc an someone must have found and posted

But she clearly hasn't forgotten about her special toy if she's thought to ask her dad to find it. For her to remember something from a year ago when she's only 5 does rather suggest that it's very important to her.

I think, in lots of ways, parents genuinely believe (or like to tell themselves) that their children will 'get over' something; but this is often far from the case.

I certainly wouldn't lie and claim that it's the exact same one, but I'd be inclined to come back and say something like you found one of teddy's cousins who needed a new home and would love to live with a kind girl like her.

Yes, it's not the absolute technical truth, but it's pretty much true to a child's way of thinking:
teddy's cousin = one made in the same factory
needed a new home = was on sale
would love to live with her = well, maybe reverse-projecting; but it would hardly object to doing so!

I did exactly this. When dd questioned why the wear on it was a bit different and it smelt different I explained another child had found it and loved it then realised it was lost when she saw my Facebook post asking if anyone had seen it.

I remember vividly the moment I realised the dog we had hadn't gone to 'live on a farm' after all. But that's part of growing up...isn't it? Same as Santa Claus and the tooth fairy.

Do it! This idea that it will affect trust is rubbish. My guinea pig ran away and my mam replaced it, told me that it had come home. Years later I found out it was a new guinea pig. I just thought it was nice that my mam was trying to protect my feelings.

I once lost a tiny lion toy and she bought me a big lion toy, said that the little one had grown up and returned home. The little toy then materialised so I had both. It wasnt an issue for me, I had Little Brownie back and also had Big Brownie!

In another story, my friend had a grandkid whose dad had recently died. She then lost her beloved teddy and was devastated. We agreed I would send her a new teddy with a note saying 'I am the friend of lost teddy who had to go on a journey and he asked me to come look after you." It comforted the little girl-- she thanked me for it years later when she was a teenager, realised it was just a nice thing to do.