AIBU to replace my daughter's lost comfort toy and say it was found?

[BingoHeeler]

DD has a specific soft toy that she’s had since she was a baby. She actually had 2 the same as we bought a spare for nursery but she soon realised there were 2 and loved them both equally. She’s nearly 5 now but still very attached - sleeps with it and wants it when she’s upset etc.

Last year we went on holiday to Spain and while in a city we lost one of the toys, she was understandably very upset. But we did have the spare and we offered to buy her another. However she has never taken to the new one in the same way (she asked for a different colour so it isn’t exactly the same). But the spare is very much loved still.

In a couple of weeks DH is going to Spain on a stag do. When he mentioned this to DD she immediately said, will you find my toy’s name and bring it back?

Which has got us thinking. I’ve looked on vinted and there are second hand versions of the same toy, a little scruffy and loved as hers was so would pass as the same one. We could buy it and then when DH returns from Spain tell her that he found it at a lost property or something. She’d be so happy but part of me thinks it’s not great to lie to her. What do you think?

YANBU - buy the toy and pretend we found it, it would make her happy
YABU - don’t buy the toy and pretend it’s the same one, you shouldn’t lie to her

Do it, she clearly still misses her toy and will be delighted to have him back.

I wouldn't personally as I've never lied to my kids (yes including santa or tooth fairy) but you could say you brought it from Spain and if she takes to it/thinks its her old one so be it💖 I wouldn't deny it as I wouldn't possibly know if second hand it possibly could be🤷

YANBU ! I thought we all did this !

He won’t know for sure that the one he found was the one she lost, but he’s pretty sure!

I don’t think it will work. My child would notice differences in wear and smell, and they would want to know all about how it was found. It will have to be a whole elaborate lie.

We left Monkey at a French service station...I bought exactly the same one (jelly Cat) said the services had sent it in the post ...he new immediately , even though I had rolled the new one round the garden numerous times and thrown it around the house to getting it looking like Monkey...kids are not stupid - he was 3 now 17 and still brings it up in a jokey way ..."you think you could fool me mother " 😂😂

I considered doing this a couple of times but I think things like this just encourage them to think everything can be fixed and when the next thing goes missing they expect the same result.
If she’s largely let it go, I think it would be better not to rake it up all over again.

Don't you think they should be able to hope that most things can be fixed at their age, though? They will have many, many years to learn that life isn't always as straightforward and problems as easily resolved.

And she hasn't largely let it go at all; she's now still only 5, and she lost her special toy when she was only 4; yet she can still remember and think of her own accord to raise it with her parents. Maybe it was latently accepted, but very far from all forgotten about.

No, I don’t.

That's so cute!

I wouldn’t but purely because she will be able to tell and won’t accept it with the same love. She’s already been through the loss once and this would in effect get her hopes up then actually be another loss.

Theres something they know that we don’t. More than just texture and smell. Something deep inside the attachment that just isn’t replaceable no matter how well the match appears to be.

she seems to be doing ok without it….?

I don’t believe you have years and years to teach them these things. I see some situations like this as an opportunity to help them learn to cope with these things. Sometimes I will “fix” it, sometimes not. In this situation, I think it’s one of those things where I’d just leave it be.

I would absolutely do this. She obviously still misses it. Give your little girl some happiness.

Fair enough; but personally, if I wanted to teach them that lesson, I'd probably choose something transitory - like a dropped ice cream or similar - rather than something like a special comforter toy that they may well love for life.

Just get her the toy.

That wouldn’t teach them the same thing at all.

What - deep disappointment from losing a very special personal belonging because they weren't able to look after it carefully at the age of 4?

I’ll just warn you now that is she’s anything like our youngest DD then it will quickly be discarded for not ‘smelling’ like her old one!

We did this with a jellycat monkey which was lost at a holiday camp. I slept with the new monkey under my armpit for a couple of nights then put him in DS’s bed to find. The old monkey turned up the next school holiday so we took him home as a monkey cousin.

Thanks everyone for your comments, they have actually given us a lot to think about. I’m still wary of spinning an elaborate lie but her mentioning it shows she has obviously not forgotten about it. We’ve decided to buy the toy and I think we will say that DH found it at lost property in Spain and let her decide if she thinks it’s the same one.

I certs out not would not buy a second hand toy for a child from Vinted or anywhere else for that matter unless l could wash it.

Health and Safety.

I think you really need to let this idea go tbh. Children lose beloved toys. And they get over it.

That's life. And it probably adds to their
resilience in the long term

They could even send a moonpig postcard from Spain with daddy to say they’re reunited and coming home soon! X

Absolutely do it. Let her believe in magic especially about this thing that’s so special to her. She’s asked you about it which means she thinks it might be possible, she’s 5, surely it’s a parent’s job to do magical things for their tiny children sometimes…? I like the idea of your DH saying he’s found it in a special lost and found shop, but doesn’t know for sure if it’s the actual one.

Ay there's the rub! The problem, OP, is that little people are still more animal in their instincts than we are (like that baby instinct that has them smelling your milk or knowing the smell of mum) and much more aware of things like texture and smell than we are as adults. We tend to go more on sight.

We did exactly this with one of our dc's toys, and both DH and GM and I thought it was a perfect substitute. DC, however, immediately asked if we were certain because it didn't "feel" the same and there was "no little lump in his ear that's nice to rub."

I think, tbh, our dc partly saw through it but accepted the new one in good grace, although we did sometimes get a "are you SURE this is ACTUALLY him?" at bedtime - which, given children tend to think of toys as one-offs, kind of shows something was giving the game away. So just be aware of that risk and have a back-up version (or change your original version) so you don't end up looking like a total fibber 😬

My DD left her teddy bear in a hotel airport - I realised when we were through security the next day going on a trip. I called the hotel, they said they’d find it & keep it for us to collect on the way home. She’d received the teddy as a baby and always slept with it. The
hotel didn’t have the teddy 🙁 I was worried about it the entire trip and made contingency plans for ‘Sophie’s adventure’. What followed was postcards from friends all over the world while I frantically tried to find a replacement. She went to study Bear Fashion at FIT in New York. They made her new more modern pyjamas. She was in Paris for Bear Fashion Week. She sent a white unicorn teddy as a friend to keep my DD company while she travelled.

My older DD had Sophie’s brother ‘TJ’ and they had traveled everywhere with us … I did puppet shows with them all the time. They had personalities. I just couldn’t say Sophie’s gone 🤦🏼‍♀️
I eventually found a similar bear (different pj’s). I took this photo the night she ‘returned from her travels’ and slipped into DDs bed. I saved all the notes and postcards for my DD…who sussed out things around the same time as Santa and the tooth fairy 😂
I think it’s a harmless thing to do … my daughter never seen it as being ‘lied to’. I still do puppet shows and they’re 17 & 16 now 😂