Feel like I wasted my life

[ThatFairy]

I feel like I wasted my best years in a bad relationship. We met when I was 16, broke up for good when I was 27 or 28. I'm now 36. He was really abusive and I spent most of that time depressed, anxious and struggling to cope. I could hardly get my bearings or stop for air because it was just continuous trauma.

After we broke up I spent the next several years trying to pull myself together. I ended up having psychotic breaks and I don't know if that's related to the PTSD. I've spent so long just trying to feel stable. I feel ok right now on my medication, but it's giving me some intolerable side effects. I only have experience in low skilled low paying work, and I can't even drive. Was just reading a post on "middle age" and thought, that will be me soon. I can't believe how stupid I've been with my life. It's ruined.

What am I meant to do ? I can't exactly go to university and start over I'd feel so out of place. I haven't dated all this time and just feel sort of like I'm getting past it now

Firstly, your life isn't over, and you're still young, so you haven't wasted anything. Secondly, I got out of an abusive marriage and went to university when I was older than you, and there were at least three people on my course the same age or older. You would need to look for a university that expresses pride in its catering for mature students; we all tend to gravitate towards them.

You're free now and can be anything you like. Enjoy the adventure.

I’m 59, I still have plenty of life left, you don’t have to be young to be fulfilled and happy. My SIL and my best friend both went to uni in their 40’s and met some great friends and neither ever felt awkward or out of place, loads of people do it. You really haven’t wasted your life, please don’t feel that way. Get on the internet and make some plans, you’re not too old.

You are definitely not to old to study for a degree or change career. I have a couple of friends who went to university in their 40s and they were not the oldest on their courses. They were also very motivated students. You have been through a lot but come out the other side. Don't waste more years thinking about what you haven't done, start to plan what you're going to do next.

Thanks for the support. I wanted to be a chemist, I have a HNC but I failed the diploma twice due to my mental health episodes

Why can't you go to university? I did it as a mature student. Finished my degree at 38 and have a career I absolutely love. Sure, people on my course were much younger than me but I am there to learn, not do a pub crawl. Had the best years of my life at uni.
They also have excellent wellbeing services for students and will make reasonable adjustments so that you feel supported.
I'd seriously look into it.
ETA: I also learned to drive at 39 and found my current partner at 42. I am clearly a late bloomer.
Your life isn't over until it's over.

Another who went to University when I was around your age, OP. You're still a young woman.

I don’t think university would be the answer to this. I think you need to dedicate some years to settling and finding a life that you love rather than piling on pressure again.

you were unlucky, and your life has looked different to people who had it easier. We all have different lives but our emotional state is the mos important factor in feeling happy, or satisfied, with our life.

how long have you been in recovery from psychosis? Do you have ongoing support??

You've had a really tough time and you've dug (are digging) yourself out of it. That takes guts and huge huge effort. Give yourself some credit 🌷

Honestly 36 is really young. Im 58 and one of the things I love about being older is how your perspective shifts. I can see myself at all the ages I have been (so far), whereas when youre younger it's hard to see your future ages.

And you've got 32 years until retirement - that's nearly as long as you've been alive - so plenty of time.

Why not speak to a careers adviser and see what they advise re: training options. There are pharmacy apprenticeships these days, that might be a good route for you.

Of course you can go to university. I went when I was 31 and there were loads of older people there. Alternatively, you could do agree with the OU which is designed for people already in work. Getting a degree was life changing for me. Good luck - go for it.

I’m an academic and every year I have a scattering of excellent, committed, motivated mature students, often older than you.

I have went about 9 months without having an episode, which is better than it's been for a while. Medication works well for me it's just neverending side effects and having to try new ones. My psychiatrist is rubbish and negligent so atm I need to try to get another one

Op imagine you spend 4 years retraining and getting a degree. In 4 years you’ll be 40. If you do it you’ll be 40 with a degree and potentially your dream job. If you don’t do it you’ll still be 40. You’ve still got most of your working life ahead of you. My mum divorced my abusive dad in her early 50’s, trained as a nurse which she wanted to do when she was 16 but got pregnant with my sister, and is now in her late 60’s working as a head nurse in an outpatient clinic responsible for won’t a dozen staff. You can do it

I got my basic certificate with the OU. I did at times wish I had in- person support. I also found the courses extremely intense and was working at them full- time while not getting any funding. I don't know, I will give it some thought, thanks

Firstly, well done on getting out of a bad relationship. Some people never do that and accept that, that is their life now. You haven't done that and have already started to build up a new life for yourself - which is amazing! You can do whatever you want to do. Remember you are the youngest today that you will ever be. Start planning and enjoy the process. Go to university if that's what you want to do. You have soo many working years left in your life so do what you enjoy and just go for it! 🙂

I’m so sorry you feel like that. I think a lot of people do. Certainly, I envy people who don’t.

I have similar feelings.

I met my first boyfriend just before I started 6th form. I had a gap year planned, and I had applied to lots of great unis, including Durham and one in Scotland.

in the end, due to pressure from this boyfriend, I turned down Durham and the Scottish uni and went to my local ex-poly, and stayed living at home.

I missed out on the uni experience of moving away. I got a very sub standard degree. Many of my friends moved away for uni and we lost touch (late 90s, before mobiles and social media) and my boyfriend caused me to fall out with those friends who did stay local. People at my uni were all staying at home and kept their school friends so I had no opportunities to make new friends.

eventually I was isolated and completely dependant on him….and he was cheating on me the whole time. He also made me so insecure that I got plastic surgery to please him, which I have always regretted.

so I can relate.

the trajectory of my life would have been so different if I hadn’t met him.

it does make me sad, but things could be much worse, and they could be for you too, so just try and focus on the positives.

What about looking for a job as a science technician in a school, your HNC would be fine for that - ok the pay won't be amazing, but varied work and enjoyable.

That's another problem I'm having, I have to work at night unless I'm on sleeping pills, NHS keep taking me off them, I buy private but I get tolerant to them. I wish the world was running 24-7

Have you reported him to the police? I reported my abuser to the police after 4 years of absolute horror and even though no action was taken, it made me feel a small sense of justice that he had to sit through the shame of trying to explain to another person his reasons for destroying my house, threatening to burn it down and hitting me while being a lifelong unemployed wanker.

@PILEALLTHEPILLSONTHEFLOOR yeah I have thought about it. I just don't have the strength at the moment I have a lot of other things going on, but also I don't know I kind of just want to move on

Good for you though. My son's friends mum did the same and I was really proud of her. The guy got 5 years

Agree with this.

I was pretty disappointed that my abuser never got convicted but he did have to serve 18 months community service (literal hell for a terminally unemployed idiot) after beating a female police officer. God he was such a fucking moron he honestly thought he could hit a cop and get away with it. He was such a turbololcow he reminded me of Onision in many ways.

I can't believe how stupid I've been with my life. It's ruined.

You haven't been stupid OP. You've been in a bad situation.
Your life is only ruined if you let the past dictate the future and there is something in the way you write and what you write that makes me thing that the hell are you going to let that happen. You sound strong, ready for something wonderful and I bet you anything you can make it happen.

My best friend and I both spent our early years mucking about and neither of us caught fire until we were in our late 30s. We both realised if we threw ourselves at life anew we could change everything. She went to uni, got her PGCE and has spent the last 25 years travelling the world teaching English. She currently lives in Tokyo and is having a ball. I went to horticultural college, have worked all over Europe in wonderful gardens and now run my own gardening business. We're both happy as pigs in muck.

You have decades ahead of you to do whatever you want. Live now!

Be kind to yourself OP. You are doing ok 🤗

I’ve been there with a horrific groomer dv abuser, an absolutely monster. Truly awful this was a decade my teens into my twenties. I completed my degree part time in my 30s (I had DC as well). Things do improve very very slowly overtime.

as for the ptsd I have diagnosed CPTSD, agoraphobia, anxiety and depression after a huge breakdown 7 years ago. So I can relate. Also to the problems with sleeping.

I’m struggling again at the moment but whatever I go through now is better than the hell I used to live in. I’ve had a few bad panic attacks this week due to stress but today I’ve been up early now back in bed with two cats sleeping by my feet. My life is very hard due to my health but it’s also got joy and love and good bits.

I was also in an abusive relationship from 16 until age 33. It was all I knew all my adult life. I'm still healing and putting myself back together. You're not alone and your life isn't over. The best is yet to come 💐

That's wonderful that you and your friend did that. Thank you for your words, I feel quite encouraged