To wonder whether the term “pick me” is misogynist?

[CruCru]

My daughter mentioned “pick me girls” a few months ago and, since then, I keep seeing references to them on here and other places. This is rather a new concept to me (I am firmly middle aged and was young in the 90s and 2000s) but,, looking back, I am sure that I knew a couple of women who would perhaps have been described as “pick me”.

One, in particular, was really fun when it was just us but would be hard work when there were men around. She would also tell me how many men fancied her.

Another was a bit of a jellyfish - you’d be bobbing along happily and then suddenly you’d be stung - but only when there were men around.

Perhaps it is just that, where once we would have said “God, Celine was being so annoying”, now we would say “Celine was being a bit of a “pick me””.

Would you say that the term “pick me” is misogynistic? I think there are “pick me boys too”.

When it was being used by 9 year old boys as referenced above it was absolutely sexist. They were using it to describe the girls in their year who liked playing football and lunchtime claiming they were only playing to get the boys to like them rather than actually playing because they wanted to.

They, or at least one boy in particular, I heard use it that way when he was tackled by one of the girls playing after school. He resented being tackled by a girl so called her a pick-me girl in retaliation.

That was why the head was so angry about it.

For me it describes behaviour women display consciously or otherwise to encourage men to like and/or value them more than other women.
I think its quite broad, but always involves some form of delivering what they feel the man wants from them and usually involves another woman or women in the role of negative comparator. Sympathising with a male colleague that his wife wants him home to help with the kids rather than go for a drink. The OW competing with his wife by never refusing sex or complaining if he's late. Defending men and calling women who criticise them man haters. All pick me behaviours.

It might be misogynistic language but we all know exactly the behaviour we're talking about.

Id say men and women can be equally insecure and needing to prove and validate themselves but women then show "pick me" symptoms and men demonstrate love bombing or stalker symptoms. Or, when the symptoms are more entitled, then its "manosphere men" (who use red and blue pill as the male derogatory)

Misogynist men use terms like "white knight" and "captain save-a-ho" as roughly equivalent. The assumption is that men's loyalty should be first and foremost with other men, and standing up for women breaks some sort of bro code.

"Pick me" can describe women with internalised misogyny who centre men, but it can also be used as a misogynistic putdown in itself about women who don't conform to the "girl code". Like all labels, it gets popular because people recognise the pattern of behaviour it describes; then it becomes a meaningless buzzword as people just use it in whatever stupid ways they feel like in order to feel like they have the moral high ground.

We're not at the point where I'd dismiss anyone using it but I definitely wouldn't use it myself. Have some sort of nuance FFS.

It's not a term I use. I try to steer away from terms which generalise about women but it does describe a certain type of behaviour exhibited by women who prize male approval above all else. It's probably quite an anxious way to live but I don't have to be sympathetic towards people who don't engage in any self reflection and treat other people badly.

It's mystifying really because male attention is as ubiquitous as oxygen and far less valuable.

Interesting take. So is a woman breaking the girl code bad but a male breaking the bro code good?

Is the term 'misogynist' misogynist?

Pick me term has always been about where I live. It was always used to describe women especially who dressed very provocative (often totally inappropriate for the event) draped themselves all over a bloke, tinkly laugh at everything bloke said, lost the ability to do any task without male help or use their brain and agreed with any statement that came out of blokes mouth.

it is misogynistic if used like the school playground example above.

also misogynistic if it’s used to describe a pattern if female behaviour some women adopt without consideration of how that came to be.

but it’s definitely not a term I’d say should not be used or avoided. We need to discuss this phenomenon and young girls growing up need a term to recognise this phenomenon lest they fall down the same trap.

I absolutely could have been called a pick me girl in my past. Not so much putting other women down but certainly in framing my value around men’s interest and making decisions about my activities and appearance to conform to what I’d been raised to believe men valued. I was always told feminism had won, we have the vote, to be feminist now is a negative. I’ve walked head first into abusive relationships and a shit life due to my choices. Choices I made because I was raised that way. It’s absolutely still a thing girls are raised this way, certainly there is progress for so many to the point there are women on this thread sarcastically saying women can’t be responsible for their actions because of the patriarchy cuz we so weak or whatever the words thy used were. But it’s still a thing. In the last year I can think of multiple examples of young children being raised/influenced this way. I’m not ignorant enough to believe just because I’ve learnt and would never raise my children this way they are not influenced by society, it’s a useful phrase I will definitely be using with them in discussion when they are old enough to understand the basics of the point and not misunderstand

I’d never heard it until a year ago when my 11 year old daughter referred to another girl. I thought she said Pygmy because the girl was very small!

😂😂

Personally I think the concepts of both "bro code" and "girl code" are a bit ridiculous because they imply that people's gender is the most important aspect of the way they interact with the world and the other humans in it.

I

I thought blokes coukd be pickme too

I agree it is misogynistic. I have been accused of being a "pick me" and I would consider myself a feminist!

It's just a lazy insult thrown at women as a put down.

I wholeheartedly agree! Mumsnet can be terrible echo chamber of woman right, men wrong sometimes.

It was always used for women around 18 plus especially on nights out

Hate this term only experienced it online where I have stuck up for the male in the situation and women start saying oh pick me. Its basically saying you can only ever agree with women and all men are the devil.

I think the only ones with an issue with it are those who still believe (erroneously) that is a betrayal of the non existent ‘sisterhood’

I think that it can certainly be used as a misogynistic insult applied to women who are perceived to be going against the “sisterhood” (eg “you’re only agreeing with the men because you’re a pick me girl, you don’t actually think that way”).

But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some women who do behave that way - only agreeing with the men because aren’t they just so cool and not uptight, and “not like other women”. It’s not about the view or the behaviour, it’s about the underlying reason.
Doing something because you like it, totally fine. That’s not the same as doing it because you have got the idea in your head of a stereotypical female and want to loudly make it clear that that’s not you, but not by saying that the stereotype is wrong, just by saying you don’t fit in it (“other women may be like that, but I’m not. I’m not uptight/bitchy/high maintenance/controlling/nagging/prudish/insert sexist stereotype of choice, not like all the other women who are”).

Is it more regional? I’m from London and had not heard it before although I have not been clubbing this millennia!

To be honest, I probably wouldn’t have heard it if I didn’t have a teenage daughter.

They may not want to date the men, but they are happy to put down and squeeze out other women. They want the men to want to date or offer them validation and exclude other women, often partners to do so.

I wonder if I would have been described as a "pick me girl" when I was young. I'm not entirely sure I understand the term exactly. I had brothers and male friends. I wasn't pretty and tried to survive socially by trying to be the funny, easy going one. I wasn't expecting anyone to "pick me", I was just wanting to be mates

'Pick me' women pander to the patriarchy.

Were you putting down or excluding other women whilst you were doing it?

Did you only hold a particular interest or view point to make to appeal to men?