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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Couples who can’t live together

102 replies

Troutbag · 14/04/2026 10:27

It seems a lot of couples are perfectly fine but tensions arise when they start to live together.

Would the solution be to just not live together long-term?

Has anyone done this and it worked? Or if you can’t live together, is that it?

OP posts:
Hulahooops · 14/04/2026 13:04

I can only speak for myself, I love living alone im currently single have been for years and no plans on changing it.
I do ONS as I simply cant deal with relationships.

And I love being selfish tbh my home is mine my money is mine.
I dont need the drama of some man child around me.

Only ever lived with 2 partners and hated it.
Some want marriage kids or just want to live together.
Commitment yeah no not for me.
I value peace and my own space.

FruityFrog · 14/04/2026 13:06

The King and Queen have separate houses in Gloucestershire!

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/04/2026 13:07

I think not living together is generally a great thing for relationships: cohabitation is hugely overrated. Aside from financial efficiencies and the obvious advantages of living together if you have children I don’t see any upside really.

Cohabitation kills romance and sex, makes things mundane and dull, fuels pointless arguments, makes people forget what they originally saw in one another and generally makes a situation duller, more quotidian and less enjoyable.

If DP and I were to split up I would never live with someone romantically again.

SimonWigglesBaratoneVoice · 14/04/2026 13:09

Dp and I have been together 7 years, and we don't plan to live together. I like my space, I still have kids here, and I can't stand his adult son so he would never be allowed in my home which wouldn't be fair if dp and I lived together.

kohlrabislaw · 14/04/2026 13:20

I’ve lived with my DH for nearly 25 years. I would actually love for us to live separately near each other when the kids have left home in a couple of years. I’d love to have my own space that I can decorate myself and see him a couple of evenings a week and have holidays together. But I don’t think it would go down well with him! I guess you can’t go backwards like that. I’d be fascinated to know if anyone has successfully done this after years of living together, perhaps as an alternative to separation.

Fifthtimelucky · 14/04/2026 14:22

I can see it works well for some couples, especially if one or more partner has children from a previous relationship.

The biggest disadvantage in my view is that it contributes to the housing crisis.

XenoBitch · 14/04/2026 15:46

I do not live with my DP, and have no plans to. We both need our space, and living apart is perfect for us.

Arlanymor · 14/04/2026 15:47

Miriam Margoyles has been with her partner for 54 years and has never lived with her. It's whatever floats your boat really - I think of it like two of my best friends, I love spending time with them both, but only one would I ever consider living with.

Thechaseison71 · 14/04/2026 16:47

Fifthtimelucky · 14/04/2026 14:22

I can see it works well for some couples, especially if one or more partner has children from a previous relationship.

The biggest disadvantage in my view is that it contributes to the housing crisis.

So you should move in with your partner so some random can live in your house?

Fifthtimelucky · 14/04/2026 16:58

I certainly don’t advocate moving in together at an early stage in the relationship, especially - as I have already said - if either partner already has children.

But clearly if every couple lives in two houses rather than sharing one, it’s going to affect the supply of houses available for others.

XenoBitch · 14/04/2026 17:04

Fifthtimelucky · 14/04/2026 16:58

I certainly don’t advocate moving in together at an early stage in the relationship, especially - as I have already said - if either partner already has children.

But clearly if every couple lives in two houses rather than sharing one, it’s going to affect the supply of houses available for others.

That is not actually the problem of the people living in separate houses though.

Fifthtimelucky · 14/04/2026 17:06

Agreed.

But it is a wider issue for society.

zantez · 14/04/2026 17:22

I think it depends on whether a couple agree to live separately and happily do so, or they can't due to circumstances, be that kids, financial, etc.

We are together nearly 30 years now. No kids either side and never previously married either. Toddling along very nicely since this is the life we chose and agreed upon. I don't think either of us was cut out to live with another person anyway. You know the sort we are 😊

Whatthefork1 · 14/04/2026 17:38

Each to their own and I do think it depends on what stage of life you are in.

I met my partner 12 years ago when I was 19, I never once would have imagined not wanting to progress with the relationship and move in together and start a family.

We have two children together and if anything were to ever happen between us and we split then I don’t believe for one moment I would ever want to live with another man for various reasons.

I think if your view is to start a family with that person, yet you don’t want to move in together then yes that’s a bit odd and I don’t see how that would work.

RhaenysRocks · 14/04/2026 19:31

Fifthtimelucky · 14/04/2026 17:06

Agreed.

But it is a wider issue for society.

Sure. Which we should solve with a sensible, publicly owned building company employing thousands and creating massive amounts of affordable homes. Paid for a penny on income tax. We cannot possibly suggest we socially engineer relationships as a solution.

ItWasntMyFault · 14/04/2026 19:52

Over 12 years together but still live separately- definitely better for the children.

Spidey66 · 14/04/2026 20:18

My friend was married and divorced (he’s since died) with an adult son (he’s got a family of his own now).

she’s been in a relationship for about 3 years but no plans to live with him. They’re quite happy with their own space. Fair play to them!

TreesinthePark · 14/04/2026 21:09

I never lived with my longterm ex but at one point he had a job that had much better public transport from my house than his. It wasn't discussed in advance but for a while he was staying more at mine and it really got on my nerves!
He would complain that I didn't put the bin liner on the kitchen bin properly and I'd just be thinking "well its my bin so get lost". What I really hated was having to discuss/debate the mundane tasks of everyday life that I'd normally just get on with for myself.

XenoBitch · 14/04/2026 21:12

RhaenysRocks · 14/04/2026 19:31

Sure. Which we should solve with a sensible, publicly owned building company employing thousands and creating massive amounts of affordable homes. Paid for a penny on income tax. We cannot possibly suggest we socially engineer relationships as a solution.

Show quote history

On a very similar thread to this one, someone said that if you are on benefits then you must do as you are told even regard to relationships and basically being forced to live with someone.
Thankfully, the government do not meddle that much into our lives.

nothingcangowrongnow · 14/04/2026 21:13

I like this idea. If I were to be in a relationship in the future, I’d like my own small house/flat and someone who is like a best friend but we don’t live together.

Mancity08 · 14/04/2026 21:27

I think it’s the best of both worlds
your own space
meet up when you want

lived on my own with son for 10 yrs
met partner and lived together now for 23 yrs
asked what I do now ???!
ON MY OWN
do what you want, when you want
get up/go to bed when you want, bed to yourself
decorate your choice, no compromising
watch your programs, no interruptions
bliss ❤️

Thecatandme · 14/04/2026 22:29

Been with my partner for fifteen years. Right at the start she said she wasn’t going to marry or live with me - if that wasn’t for me then we needed to stop there and then.

Music to my ears. Had been on my own for the same amount of time and loved living on my own - with a cat!

A number of our friends envy our relationship. See each other a couple of times a week, meet friends and go on holiday together. Rest of the time we do our own thing. She’s got family commitments and I’m busy socially and with volunteering. And then there’s the lovely days home alone

We love our holidays but a fortnight is enough…..

Amperoblue · 15/04/2026 18:22

I met DH through work when I had a 6 month old ( never married)and had a 5 year old and a divorce No way were we going to move in together at the start.
His work involves travelling here and abroad. Mine involved early starts and stress. I love my independence and enjoy my own space. He’s a very tidy snd has loads of kit.

He used to live the other side of the country but moved to my town 10 mins down the road after a few years . Thats the closest we’ve got!
Been together 21 years, married 8

jellybaby1 · 15/04/2026 18:57

Troutbag · 14/04/2026 10:27

It seems a lot of couples are perfectly fine but tensions arise when they start to live together.

Would the solution be to just not live together long-term?

Has anyone done this and it worked? Or if you can’t live together, is that it?

I love my husband but we clash to much so live apart. It suits us both and we have a lovely time when we are together ❤️

Hulahooops · 15/04/2026 21:31

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 14/04/2026 12:45

It’s not really a proper relationship if you never live together etc.

You have a lot to learn then.

I also sence you are going to have many a man move in to your home so it feels like a real relationship.