Couples who can’t live together

[Troutbag]

It seems a lot of couples are perfectly fine but tensions arise when they start to live together.

Would the solution be to just not live together long-term?

Has anyone done this and it worked? Or if you can’t live together, is that it?

It's much more expensive running two homes.

I’m married. Together 12 years, married for 3. We both own our own homes and have no desire to live together. All children are adults.

We were both running them before we got together so what's the issue. ? Yeah the council tax is a bit more as we each pay 75% for individual places rather that 50% each together. Otherwise it's not really that much more expensive that I can see although maybe I've missed something

Of course it is, but depending on the individual financial situations... moving into together could mean less money anyway (such as being on means tested benefits).

People who live apart do so for their own reasons and it is usually a sensible one!

Off the top of my head, the only things that would not change if someone moved in would be things like broadband, TV license and subscriptions. Everything else would go up.. how much by would depends on usage of gas, electric and water.
Council tax would go up too. For me, I pay 20% as I get CT support. If I lived with my DP, I would lose it. I would lose all my UC if we lived together.

I think there is a difference between cant live together and dont live together. There is nothing wrong with choosing to live separately, but if you live separately becsue you cannot live with each other I would say there is definitely something wrong.

Yep, I knew a couple who would literally argue so bad to the point they would have a physical fight. Both very hot headed people that should not have been in relationship at all let alone sharing a dwelling. They ended up living separately.
They kept having kids though, and TBH I thought that was not the best idea.

I’ve been with my DP 6 years and we don’t live together, normally he’s 5 hours away and we see each other at weekends, although sometimes he’s off work for a few months and then he stays at mine the whole time. It works great, we never argue or get sick of each other. But it’s very much a committed relationship, it’s just work reasons that mean it’s not practical to live together full time at the moment.

Thanks all for your responses, really interesting. It clearly works for a lot of people and the relationship is stronger for it.

The other thing I wonder about is separate bedrooms. DH and I have very different nocturnal habits - he’s a night owl and an early riser (odd combo) and I need my full 8-9 hours, and usually hit the sack about 10pm. Maybe it would work for us during the working week at the very least.

Go for it. My mum slept separately to my dad as he did not work, but she did and had very early starts. He also kept moving all night and snored like a hippo.

In our case not so much.
We both have small 2 bed homes that meet our needs.
Mine has two toilets for a full time DS and friends and family. Parking for 2 cars.
DH has a garage for his work kit and his second bedroom is a study for his huge desk and A3 printer. DH needs 2 parking spaces one big enough for a long wheelbase van for kit and one for a tiny car for getting to everything else. He has no second loo.

Even with losing a bedroom assuming we would share, to match what we have now would need: 3 parking spaces min, a garage, 3 bedrooms and two bathrooms . That house in our location is more than the combined total of our two smaller homes.
He's away a lot so his bills are cheap.
Financially it’s not value both of us getting worse living conditions.

Even with kids together etc

I know two divorced couples. Both divorced once kids were grown up.

Except both couples will happily visit the other, go for nights out, cinema, have family time together.

But no will not consider moving back in together nor are any of them interested in looking for someone else.

You know what if they are happy. Then why on earth not.
As someone pointed out the King and Queen have their own houses a few miles apart.

Agree on every point.

Id probably end up paying more on 50% of his utilities rather than100% of mine For a start I don't have standing charge on gas/ electric and my bill is no more than£50 each month. His usage is far higher Water for both of us isn't overly expensive

So what I saved on council tax if probably pax extra on utilities

Making it not much more if anything living in my own place

Neither of us get any benefits so nothing like that to take into account

So not always much more expensive to live seperately

Sleep is the most important thing for me. If I can't get a good night of sleep then it affects me and sustained poor sleep will affect. Mood, health, performance etc etc

So if you would sleep better apart ... go for it. These judgements that society make around what couples "should" do are just that ... if you both agree and make a conscious decision and agree how you will mitigate any risks then honestly do whatever works for you guys !

Same here, children are all adults now but one of mine and both of his still live at home. We have a plan to discuss living together whenever they are all settled in their own homes. However I do wonder if we’ll be too used to our own space by then, I have suggested maybe I will move in next door! We definitely need a dishwasher if we live together or there’ll be washing up disputes.
People have mentioned sleeping in separate rooms, whilst we don’t live together those nights when we do sleep in the same bed in the same house it’s a pleasure, it’s nice to snuggle up and if one of us is restless it doesn’t really impact, I’d probably be more annoying full time!

I have a friend who's been with her fiance for 18 years. Never lived together. Probably would have split up long ago if they did. It's a weird set up and I wonder why they got engaged in the first place.

Of course it is if that's what works for you. People have many, many reasons for being the way they are.

Sounds like an ideal compromise to me.

Why is it a weird setup. The fact they've been together 18 years suggests it works

This doesn't really track. I doesn't follow that if you can not live together there must be something "wrong".

I will not live with my partner for a number of reasons. First of all, I'm a neat and tidy, everything in it's place type of person. I can be tyrannical about the state of my living space when other people upset it, this causes me distress, so it's preferable for me to live alone.

My partner has ADHD, their living space is chaotic, they are disorganised, messy, and struggle to keep on top of some aspects of domestic life in a way that is totally alien to my lifestyle. There is no way I'd want a person like this sharing my living space, and although I still go to their home, I don't spend a lot of time there because I'm never properly comfortable.

So there is nothing "wrong" with our relationship because we don't live together, it's if you did put us in the same living space that out relationship would go "wrong" in short order, hence why we can not live together rather than just do not live together, and why neither of us has any intention of ignoring reality and pushing the issue anyway.

I also agree with PP that living with your partner is a guaranteed way to kill romance, spontaneity, affection, and breed simmering resentment over otherwise trivial and minor issues. I've experienced this first-hand and have no intention of ever putting myself in that position again.

I have a family member been in a relationship with their partner for almost 60 years. Never lived together. No kids. Spent decades living in different towns. They now live in the same town and are about to marry. They still won’t live together. It works brilliantly for them.

I have been in my relationship for six years and we don't live together, and I don't ever want to live with him, or anyone. We do go on holiday together. We don't tend to sleep round each others houses because of pets.

I think this is the perfect relationship, we rarely have cross words, and never argue. We get to enjoy each others company but don't have to deal with each others annoying habits, and have each others 'stuff' in our space. We each have our own space, to do as we please. I need time to myself and couldn't cope with the thought of having to put up with someone else making noise and moving around, having to deal with someone else's stuff being all over the place. Having to creep around in my own house to not disturb others. No solitude when you want it. Having to explain yourself or seek permission for things. I just couldn't live like that.

Reading some of the threads on here. I can't imagine why people ever get married.

I would say in your situation you have chosen not to live together becsue it suits you to live apart.

Great but most people can't afford 2 homes