to message or not to message

[alwaysdramapeeps]

without being too outing I’ll try and share a brief outline of my current friendship dramas!

on a recent night out my friend revealed that she has got back with an ex, who she was with as a part of an affair. The man in question was apparently “deeply unhappy in his relationship” and therefore started things with my friend.

For the sake of this story we’ll call the friend Fran. Fran and I have been friends for approximately 5 years. She often refers to me as her ‘best friend’.

Fran broke up with this boyfriend originally around 3 years ago, mainly due to his behaviour and the fact he was constantly upsetting her etc. He would always pass very judgemental comments and could be very cruel. He also then cheated on her! During this time I tried my best to be very supportive of her whilst encouraging her to decide what’s best for her. She actually briefly moved in with my husband and I as she was so upset!

Anyway, Fran reveals they’re back together and happier than ever! I was obviously very shocked, and passed a comment along the lines of “wow that’s a shock! Why have you done that?!” which I appreciate isn’t the best comment to make but I was so surprised! She’s has other partners since who have been much nicer etc.

Some of the other friends we were with overheard some of this. One of them pipes up with “I thought you weren’t going to tell dramapeeps as she’s too judgemental”. Fran hears this and ignores the comment but looks very sheepish. I asked what was meant by this and other friend said “Fran didn’t want to say as you’re always so judgemental about stuff”.

first off, I’d like to think I’m not. I have always done my best to support Fran, and sure that sometimes means passing comments of judgment, but I have only ever made these comments after I’ve been asked for advice!

secondly, and my bigger issue, is that she has clearly discussed me and my “judgement” behind her back. This in itself is arguably quite judgmental but there we go.

I messaged her the next day and said along the lines of “I just wanted to say that I’m happy for you whatever you decide in life, you know I will always support you! I was a bit hurt by some of the comments re me being judgemental as I feel I’m just trying to be supportive. I also don’t enjoy being spoken about behind my back.”

she replied saying “I’m sorry you feel that way.” And didn’t acknowledge the comments re talking about me. I sent essentially the same message again to reiterate my feelings and again she brushed it off.

Since then, as I’ve been very hurt, I haven’t spoken to her. She messaged me once, a very random “how’s life!” to which I replied, but the conversation was clearly stale and awkward. We usually would text and call most days and see each other at least every week.

I feel I’ve made it clear why I’m hurt and she’s just completely ignored this. I don’t really want to go into it again when I feel the ball is in her court.

She has also recently started a new role at work so I feel as though I should message saying good luck, but then also that I shouldn’t as that just brushes things off!

I’m in a bit of a conundrum with this one so I would appreciate any advice!

I guess you could reflect on whether you have been judgemental at all, but it sounds like you haven't (or you have only when invited to be!) - in which case she's ungrateful and bitchy, and your other "friend" is a shit stirrer too.

Well she's not a great friend as she's obviously been bitching about you behind your back to others. I'm not sure why you'd want to salvage the friendship given that you've told her how upset you are and she hasn't even apologised. Stop messaging her and let it go. There are better friends out there!

This wouldn’t bother me at all. You don’t like him, thought he didn’t treat her well and told her. She was hesitant to tell you because of that and discussed this with another friend - people do this all the time. It’s also ok to judge shitty people. You messaged, she said sorry you felt bad. Nothing more needs to be done. Wish her luck in her new job.

Seriously, let it go.
Accept that maybe your friendships are a bit more nuanced than you thought.
Sometimes it's difficult to be the person going back to a relationship you know your friends will have reservations about. She may well be making a horrible decision here. But equally she's maybe a bit embarrassed to tell you given how much you supported her last time.
Stop trying to get an apology out of her. Either accept the situation or cool the friendship.

I would just let this drift. She's obviously been gossiping about you behind your back, so I wouldn't think she's much of a friend. You've really helped her in the past - sounds like the friendship was one-sided

I feel like there’s a big divide here between, let it go and move on continuing being friends vs she isn’t a good friend and to leave it.

its what I was expecting really! I am very torn so I do appreciate all views.

one thing I will say is her saying “sorry you felt that way” is absolutely not an apology and does not acknowledge what I said to her when I addressed my feelings

Yes saying 'I'm sorry you feel that way' is actually saying I'm sorry you chose to respond to what I did by feeling upset rather than I'm sorry that what I did caused you to feel upset. It's a non-apology!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being judgemental, if it involves not nodding along with someone’s dopey, self-saboting relationship decisions and pretending to have amnesia when she gets back with him.

I suppose ultimately it comes down to whether you actually think friendship is or should be, an echo chamber. I don’t think it should be. I want to be challenged by my friends if and when they think it’s necessary.

In your shoes I would certainly be pointing out tartly that you don’t have relationship-specific amnesia, and you distinctly remember her moving in either you and your husband when he shagged someone else last time. Tell her that maybe one of her nicer, less judgemental friends should let her move in with them when it goes tits up again.

It’s not a great apology, granted, but I don’t think the situation warrants one.

I think you need to reflect more on whether you were judgemental - the way it reads is that you’re defensive and disregarded it. She feels that way even if you don’t think you were and that’s valid.
I would ask to meet up and try to have a conversation where you’re open to hearing what she has to say

I totally get where you’re coming from, and honestly I probably am a bit defensive! From my perspective, I’ve only ever offered an opinion when asked (e.g. I didn’t pass any comment when she said they got together as part of an affair) and when I have truly been concerned for her. I do get that she may now look back and feel I was perhaps harsh or judgemental, but she has never said so! If she was open and honest and said “look, I actually think xyz was out of order” then I’d be very open to discussing and trying to resolve both of our feelings. However she’s never said this and instead has said how thankful she is for my advice (until now!).

totally get she has her own feelings as much as mine. I felt like my message explaining how I felt was then her chance to come back and say her feelings, but instead I got a non-apology

This is exactly how I feel!

let her go. you let her move in with you and she chatted behind your back ....

Won't be the same now ......
Do you want a friend like her anyway too much drama.
Let her get back with her arsehole boyfriend .

Are you sure when they split you weren’t saying mean things about him. It’s totally understandable if you were, but it’s never good to do this as they always remember, and see it as being judgey. Are you sure you were neutral,

I suspect part of this is she’s embarassed as you know how bad it was before. But I also suspect you’re not quite as neutral as you proclaim to be.

A tale as old as time. She’s told you too much about how unsuitable the bloke is and now she’s back with him.

yes and he will always come first not the friend.

You reacted in a judgemental way though. And I can see why such a conversation would come up between your friends. No smoke without fire, you must be judgy

She is probably embarrassed and is acting defensive. If you want to remain friends I’d cut her some slack. If not then don’t. For what it’s worth though, you’re talking about the situation on here, she talked about it to some friends, not too dissimilar.

100 per cent no matter how much the friend has been there supporting.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is really fucking dismissive towards someone who welcomed her into their home after the last time this relationship imploded.

Everyone “talks about” everyone else but this sounds unpleasant considering the emotional and practical support you’ve provided in the past. And the other women sounds pretty unpleasant.

If Fran had replied apologising and explaining that would be one thing but it appears she doesn’t care about how you feel.

I’d be furious and very, very hurt.

I’d leave the next move (which will no doubt be a weeping apology when it all falls apart again) to her.

Personally I’d be dialling this friendship right down to “acquaintance only”, I expect better of my friends.

She's probably embarrassed, like a PP said, it's a tale as old as time. It's the shit-stirring 3rd person who ought to be apologising to F and you. I'd be saying "sure, I do judge men who treat my friends badly"

But why wouldn’t she judge! The friend had an affair with someone in a relationship who mistreated her then cheated on her, to the point where she moved in with the OP because she was so broken about it, and now, three years after breaking up with him, she’s just gone back to the same guy.

It’s stupid, self-destructive behaviour. Any actual friend would tell her so.

You unfortunately are the backup memory bank of all the evidence of just how dodgy this man is. She has erased her own memory bank to allow hope to triumph over experience and now wants to question your character to nullify the contents of your backup bank.

Hmmm!

This is kind of where I’m at in a way. I guess by saying I wasn’t judgy I meant I didn’t sit there going “oh he’s ugly, he has a terrible job, I hate his parents” or whatever. I definitely will have passed comment on his behaviour, as she asked me about it so often! And she kept wanting to run through it all when she was living with us, so yes I won’t exactly have been completely neutral, but it was always from a position of being a good friend and offering advice. I know I never just said “he’s a dick” I’d always say “do you think when he did xyz that that was a nice thing for him to do? If my husband had done that, what would you think?”

Sounds like she's embarrassed, she worked out her emotions on you when it ended 3 years ago, now he's clicked his fingers and she's back with him.

Nothing will have changed and the same issues will resurface. Also if she was an affair partner and he also cheated Fran further in their relationship, he will probably do the same again.

If you like Fran, I'd maybe try and salvage the friendship, but not be as invested nor helpful in future when Fran asks your advice.

I have a friend who asks my advice, ignores it, then laments that they should have listened to me. I'm not always right, but I'm not emotionally invested, so come from a 'what I would put up with' poibt of view.

Fran may not have talked about you much to other friends, other than to say you will be judgemental, as you rightly know how she was treated by this chap before, rather than having full on gossip and bitchy chars about you.