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[alwaysdramapeeps]

without being too outing I’ll try and share a brief outline of my current friendship dramas!

on a recent night out my friend revealed that she has got back with an ex, who she was with as a part of an affair. The man in question was apparently “deeply unhappy in his relationship” and therefore started things with my friend.

For the sake of this story we’ll call the friend Fran. Fran and I have been friends for approximately 5 years. She often refers to me as her ‘best friend’.

Fran broke up with this boyfriend originally around 3 years ago, mainly due to his behaviour and the fact he was constantly upsetting her etc. He would always pass very judgemental comments and could be very cruel. He also then cheated on her! During this time I tried my best to be very supportive of her whilst encouraging her to decide what’s best for her. She actually briefly moved in with my husband and I as she was so upset!

Anyway, Fran reveals they’re back together and happier than ever! I was obviously very shocked, and passed a comment along the lines of “wow that’s a shock! Why have you done that?!” which I appreciate isn’t the best comment to make but I was so surprised! She’s has other partners since who have been much nicer etc.

Some of the other friends we were with overheard some of this. One of them pipes up with “I thought you weren’t going to tell dramapeeps as she’s too judgemental”. Fran hears this and ignores the comment but looks very sheepish. I asked what was meant by this and other friend said “Fran didn’t want to say as you’re always so judgemental about stuff”.

first off, I’d like to think I’m not. I have always done my best to support Fran, and sure that sometimes means passing comments of judgment, but I have only ever made these comments after I’ve been asked for advice!

secondly, and my bigger issue, is that she has clearly discussed me and my “judgement” behind her back. This in itself is arguably quite judgmental but there we go.

I messaged her the next day and said along the lines of “I just wanted to say that I’m happy for you whatever you decide in life, you know I will always support you! I was a bit hurt by some of the comments re me being judgemental as I feel I’m just trying to be supportive. I also don’t enjoy being spoken about behind my back.”

she replied saying “I’m sorry you feel that way.” And didn’t acknowledge the comments re talking about me. I sent essentially the same message again to reiterate my feelings and again she brushed it off.

Since then, as I’ve been very hurt, I haven’t spoken to her. She messaged me once, a very random “how’s life!” to which I replied, but the conversation was clearly stale and awkward. We usually would text and call most days and see each other at least every week.

I feel I’ve made it clear why I’m hurt and she’s just completely ignored this. I don’t really want to go into it again when I feel the ball is in her court.

She has also recently started a new role at work so I feel as though I should message saying good luck, but then also that I shouldn’t as that just brushes things off!

I’m in a bit of a conundrum with this one so I would appreciate any advice!

I think if she’d been honest and just said ‘yeah I did mention it to the others as I knew you know how he’s been and therefore wouldn’t think it was a good idea’ then I’d have accepted and understood that.

I think what upset me is her ignoring me pointing out that she’s clearly discussed me and then offering no reason why she has done so. This then implies to me that it was more bitchy

Well, I’m judging her.

Well, stop being so apologetic and defensive then? Point out that you literally lived with the consequences of his treatment of her years ago, and that while she have manifestly shown yourself to be her friend over and over, she’s an idiot to go back to him?

I‘d stop any relationship chat. Things going well ‚that’s nice‘. Going badly ‚oh sorry to hear that‘ and change of topic.

She sounds like she loves relationship drama. Don’t engage with this.

I had a friend who did this to me. Constant chat about how awful BF was. He was a total cocklodger and pushed her around physically. I dropped everything and travelled to see her and check in/support. I walked through the door and he called her so she ran off to meet him leaving me alone. I told her this wasn’t ok. She then tried to bitch to someone about how judgy I was. Thank goodness the other friend told her she was being ridiculous.

i refused to engage in the drama after that . She then moved onto another friend and did the same to her.

as soon as she realised I wasn’t going to offer support anymore she dropped me. Be prepared for that.

Considering she supposedly thinks of you as a best friend @alwaysdramapeeps I’m surprised she has left things as they are. Actually having ended up moving in as well. I’m also intrigued about the other ‘friend’ who made the ‘thought you weren’t telling alwaysdramapeeps’ comment. Is that person a stirrer? Do you feel that person wants to take your place as ‘best rriend’?

I was in a similar situation when a good friend got back with someone who had cheated on her in a humiliating way. Friend had heavily leant on me for support. I was taken aback when she got back together with him, which wasn't what she wanted to hear, and the friendship drifted and eventually ended. In hindsight, I would have kept my reservations to myself, but it's hard to see someone you really care about doing that. Hope you can sort it out.

Exactly this.

Judgemental in this scenario yes, but shes obviously been judgemental in the past to garner these comments from friends

She has behaved badly. You and your husband took her in and were kind to her but eaten bread is soon forgotten.

When she needs a friend again, let her turn to one of the others who think you are so judgemental-maybe they are plaster saints whereas you are only human.

Relegate her to the second division and don't make a rag rub of yourself. I really wouldn't do anything more-let her come to you and if she doesn't, well balls to her.

She shouldn't have been talking about you but she didn't tell you because she thought you would judge, and you did so 🤷. I think you should apologise, and accept her apology and move on. A shame to loose a friend over this.

Is her definition of “judgemental” actually “she didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear all the time and made me face up to some uncomfortable truths”

Her non-apology would have had me seeing red. If you don’t want to apologise for something have the fucking balls to own it and don’t offer up that passive aggressive “i
sorry you feel that way” bullshit. For that alone I’d be walking.

She Would be firmly in the “people I used to know” camp.

She can’t take responsibility for her own actions here. She’s not a good friend. If truly you’ve only ever offered opinions when pushed then it’s extremely harsh. I would however reflect how judgemental and free with your views you’ve been. She does however come across as emotionally immature. Let it fade. She knows what she did in this and she knows you’re hurt by it - do you want a friend who, ultimately, doesn’t really care how you feel?

She truly believes you are judgemental so she's not going to apologise 🤷‍♂️

Some of the most judgemental people I know either can't or won't see it.

Either way, there's nothing you can do to change her opinion really.

I think it’s appalling that she’s spoken about you like that after you were her shoulder to cry on for so long and actually took her into your home to support her.

I think she’s treated you really badly and you should back away; I don’t think you can trust her not to do it (or similar) again.

How close are you? Would you miss her friendship?

If she was a special friend to me, I’d let this go. She’s clearly embarrassed about getting back with this guy, knew you wouldn’t approve and has now backed herself into a corner. It will all end in tears at which point she will see a bit more clearly. If you want to preserve the friendship I’d cut her a little slack. Asking for the ‘right’ kind of apology and being indignant about not getting it won’t make you any happier.

If you feel you’ve grown apart, you can’t respect her for her decisions and her duplicity, then let her go.

I lost a very good friend because she behaved badly towards me and I couldn’t get over it. Although I know I was right, I do miss her and wish I’d just let it go.

I think you are probably mismatched in emotional literacy. Has she ever been a valuable support to you or is she a 'fun time' friend? From what I've heard so far I think I'd let the previous intensity of the friendship go. Hard to say whether it's worth staying in touch at all without knowing a bit more.

Message her to wish her well in her new job, but i think you need to accept this friendship has either cooled or changed.
While you were within your rights to tell her how you feel, if she feels you are judgemental towards her, that is how she feels.

I think this is it really. I have seen a few comments saying how awful and judgey I must be, but in truth I was just honest when she asked for my opinion!

I was already feeling like our friendship wasn’t the same, she has a habit fr having a new boyfriend and dropping me like a tonne of bricks then wanting to see each other every day when they break up etc.

She probably isn’t a great friend, she never really listened to my problems, just wanted advice on hers.

I think some comments are right that it’s probably time to cool off, perhaps see if she sees what’s happened for herself in time.

I may still send a message just saying good luck, so that I’m the bigger person 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yep, that sounds a good plan. It sucks to realise people don't/won't offer the same level of support and consideration as yourself but ultimately you'll be better off. Take care.

I’d let this friendship drift OP. You supported your friend in so many ways throughout the entire time she was being mistreated by this man, and now, years later not only does she get back with him but then pre-empts your perfectly legitimate response by telling others you’ll be “judgemental”.

A true friend does not just blithely nod away while you ruin your life. A true friend questions your choices and motives if they think you’re not working in your own best interest. And I have a personal bugbear for people who expect others to pick up the pieces over and over again because they won’t stop making stupids mistakes.

I have recently let a friendship drift as a friend went back to a relationship with a man who treated her badly and frankly makes my skin crawl. All her friends and family said that she did the right thing when she split up with him, but she hasn’t taken it on board.

YANBU. People stay close to friends who make them feel better about themselves. What’s clear here is that your level-headed rationality about this idiot man she keeps being drawn to makes her feel ‘judged’ - ie it reminds her that he’s an idiot, that you know all about his behaviour, and that she had to move in with you. Let’s be honest - you’ve only judged what you’ve seen with your own eyes. It’s not really being judgemental: it’s more reaching an obvious conclusion: he’s a serial cheat who makes cruel comments and she’s daft to keep excusing him and going back for more of the same.

Rather than admit that he’s the dickhead here and that her own judgement is poor, it helps her to tell others that you’re the judgemental one. Unfortunately, she’s probably got him in her ear telling her not to listen to the haters and that he’s now a saint. You’ll have to resist saying ‘I told you so’ when the inevitable happens.

Message her good luck then leave it at that she’s a user anyway and if she asked for your opinion then didn’t like it she could have told you but no she bitched about you behind your back. Not a great friend tbh. Leave her with her fella he is probably using her so let her other friends who don’t judge her take up the slack. Honestly she’s not worth your time. Also a lot of people judge this type of behaviour because it’s selfish and cruel so you’re not in the minority here.

Some people enjoy giving advice, others find it critical. It is hard to know what the line is.
Do not say anymore about it. Hopefully he doesn’t turn out to be a prick again.

Her reply was arsey. She knows deep down she is making a dick of herself by getting back with him. I’d step back.