Husband not working during work hours.

[happysnappys]

Husband is self employed we have a toddler who’s 18 months old he’s hard work like most toddlers. My husband will often do non work related things during work hours. Like today I got back from toddler class and husband announced he was off to go pick something up from a friend. He’s stayed longer than it would have taken too. He often does errands during the work days. I would love to run errands alone without a baby/ toddler. Husband works Saturdays too. Toddler does go to nursery 2 days a week but in that time I do very part time work clean the house and have a rest if i can as im chronically unwell.

So it's not about him not working during work hours (which presumably he gets to choose - or at least has flexibility over - as he's self-employed) it's about him not pulling his weight as regards childcare?

If he's self employed... he makes his own work hours. Surely if he worked 9-5 (or whatever you deem work hours) he'd need to do his errands outside of this time so you'd still be doing the childcare?

Is the issue more that you don't get any free time... have you tried to broach this with him? Tell him he takes the toddler for X hours a certain day so you do what you need / want?

It’s both really often he will choose to do something non work related during the day or potter about at home and then when I’m back with toddler after 5 he will answering emails or doing work when I’m trying to prep dinner or do laundry toddlers trying to climb on the kitchen table and he can’t help as he’s working

What does he say when you speak to him about it?

Yes this, lots of people have preferences for their working hours, but if it's interfering with family life then presumably you have mentioned it?

Do you work?

I wish people.would at least read the OP.

Is he bringing home enough bacon?

I can have free time but I have to book it in to his diary and his work comes first. He’s said on his work days he’s working and unless doctors appointment or something I can’t do on a nursery day or weekend . I guess I’m jealous he can just do what he wants when he wants and I can’t with out pre planning. Also if he’s pottering about at home as soon as I’m back with baby he suddenly has to go off to work. When he’s at home on weekends and evenings he’s very hands on but work seems to need to happen when baby is becoming testing or feral

Ah that is my fault completely, I stopped short of that part. Apologies

@TheyGrewUp he definitely brings home enough we have a great lifestyle but we could do with a bit more. We have things we want / need but I guess there not essentials

Is it a job where he sets the working hours or the hours are expected by customers?

For example if he’s a plumber then people will contact him any time of day 7 days a week (and he may be able to charge more for weekend call out) If he deals with mainstream businesses then calls may come 9-5 when they are at work.

If you think he’s working to avoid childcare then Yanbu to be annoyed. He should look after the child during the day and save on nursery fees if he’s not working. Surely one of the reasons child goes to nursery is so that he can concentrate on work?

How many hours are you working in your two nursery days per week? Unless you're working all day for those two days, then presumably you have flexibility then?

I mean, obviously if you think he's playing you to avoid getting out of helping with your child, then that's a problem. But in general, if he's working full time and bearing the burden of supporting the family, then you need to understand that he has to prioritise work when he needs to.

Yes nursery hours where to help me and him both I’m chronically unwell and with him working so wasn’t able to have any time to myself. We were both not getting on top of the house but we are now as I’m able to clean and tidy when he’s at nursery. His work involves going to peoples houses and then lots of office work emails there is lots more he could be doing when not at work.

So how many child free hours do you have in those two nursery days where you have the flexibilty to do stuff and run errands etc, as he can do around his work on his working days?

Presumably if he sees clients, plus does paperwork, he doesn't really have flexibility, more he sometimes has free periods throughout the day when he can fit running errands and stuff around his work?

If he's working full time and pulling his weight outside of his working hours, I'm not really sure why you'd begrudge him running a few errands if he had some quiet work time during the day.

my hours vary week by week but no more then 3 hours a day. Yes I have time to myself on those days but I’m chronically unwell and on the days I have my baby I struggle to do much else other than look after him so everything house wise I save for those two days. I know he has to prioritise work but why dosnt he prioritise work when baby is at nursery or when I’m out all day at baby classes. He prioritises work when I need help. Few weeks ago I had a migraine and really needed some help but he had to go to the office as he was so so busy. Next day I’m out with baby at classes and he’s home fiddling with stuff in the shed and cleaning his car.

What was discussed before you decided to have the child? Were you working more then or have you always been part time? Was he working typical hours then or has it changed since having a baby?

But the things he's doing while you think he should eb prioritising work.... still need to be done? I'm assuming he's not out playing golf or lounging around watching sitcoms all day?

And having to schedule time during his work day is pretty normal. My DH & I have to try to work things out well in advance and around our work schedules, and kids schedules.

Can you add an extra nursery day if you're feeling stressed?

You need to rest when DS is at nursery, not be doing housework. This will take self-discipline. It is so easy to 'just do a quick tidy and put the laundry on' and before you know it you have been doing tasks for a couple of hours.
Make yourself go to bed with a book.

If necessary, put DS in nursery for a third day and ear-mark that as housework day, if you feel well enough.
Also get a cleaner to do a good weekly clean.

It is difficult with self-employed partners. To make a success of it and bring in the money, they do need to work all hours, including evenings and weekends. I would not begrudge him taking a bit of down-time during the day when he can.

Perhaps he could put two or three nights a week in his diary to be at home and put his son to bed? If it is a fixed regular 'appointment' with his son, he may find that easier to manage. Stress this is not just about helping you, he also needs to bond with his son and develop their relationship.

As he is bringing in enough money, could you cut your hours, at least while DS is so young and you are ill. Are you likely to get better in a couple of years? Or do you need a long-term solution?

Right.
So as for your update, he's bringing home more than enough, to keep a family.
YABU.

Do you think he should never have time to himself at all, to rest, to run errands, to tinker with the car or fiddle in the shed? That every minute where he's not having to be full on productive at work needs to be used to give you a rest and some downtime?

You've got a system that recognises your need for downtime snd rest, and prioritises that by giving you those 2 nursery days mostly to yourself for you to use as you see fit. You need to recognise that he also needs downtime, which he's currently fitting in around his working hours..

He has more down time than me he has a hobby 2/3 nights a week the occasional hobby day on a weekend maybe once every 2 months. Last 2 weekends he’s had a couple of hours to himself in the morning to do what he wanted to do. He also comes back on nursery days for a nap before going to work late.

Yabu

You can’t resent him for being in the office on a day when you have a migraine (where he clearly has planned work) hence going to the office and then complain he is tinkering in the garage the next day, that just sounds unfortunate in the way his schedule falls.

Self employed people make their own hours. So unless he's booked into a job and he's meant to working for someone and instead he's bunking off, then he isn't obliged to work specific hours.

I think it sounds more like he's not pulling his weight in terms of parenting and life admin. Which is another issue but equally annoying. Is he actually working the jobs he's meant to be?

Has he suddenly dramatically dropped his jobs/pay? Even if he hasn't the fact he tries to get out of parenting by helping friends sounds pretty frustrating.