Husband not working during work hours.

[happysnappys]

Husband is self employed we have a toddler who’s 18 months old he’s hard work like most toddlers. My husband will often do non work related things during work hours. Like today I got back from toddler class and husband announced he was off to go pick something up from a friend. He’s stayed longer than it would have taken too. He often does errands during the work days. I would love to run errands alone without a baby/ toddler. Husband works Saturdays too. Toddler does go to nursery 2 days a week but in that time I do very part time work clean the house and have a rest if i can as im chronically unwell.

Wtf is this thread?

It's ok that his work hours are protected- but he is protecting this way a lot more hours than he works.

Noone says that he shouldn't have free time, but it's not fair to protect hours for work - use them as free time, and than protect more hours for work because he didn't work before. Even more so, when he uses that the hide from the hard times of the day with the child.

Partnership should be about equal access to scarce resources- in this case it's time.

But it doesn't sound like he has "protected hours" for work....

I think maybe the OP just needs to tell him what she expects or wants in terms.of downtime etc.

He’s said on his work days he’s working and unless doctors appointment or something I can’t do on a nursery day or weekend ... Also if he’s pottering about at home as soon as I’m back with baby he suddenly has to go off to work. When he’s at home on weekends and evenings he’s very hands on but work seems to need to happen when baby is becoming testing or feral

He has the standard working hours protected as working time, but he is chosing to use the time as free time/errands time and than claims more working time - often at the moment when the baby is more difficult.

I never said I’m to unwell to work pre baby I had a full time job. Me working full time wouldn’t financially make any sense nor would it work for our family. Right now my work is for family business we all share.

i also earn similar wage to him but he has space to earn more and progress. We both contribute to the house hold. Mine is more of a passive income. I think the crux of it is he has more spare time and freedom than me although i have 2 days baby free those days are spent doing things for the family and house where as his free time is spent on him. I think I just need to speak to him I don’t begrudge him having a break just want it to be more equal.

On the whole, it seems to me like you’re being petty, OP. DP is the breadwinner and has that pressure, and structures his time in a way that works for him. You say he’s running errands - that’s life admin, that’s quite different from doing something trivial say going to the pub or something. Maybe he could take DC on his errands? Your chronic illness is unfortunate, but it’s no one’s fault.

Ya I still don't read it like that

Also it sounds like he's pottering around for 15mins or small timeframes

It doesn’t take two days to clean your house.

If I was you I’d get a cleaner and then you might feel better about your time off

It just sounds like he's taking it for granted that you have 2 days baby free but doesn't quite realise you don't have time for hobbies or whatever.

I definitely don't have as much toddler free time as my DH but I do make a point every so often to book something for me solo (like a half day out) whereas my DH regularly has an hour or two without fail. He wouldn't begrudge it but I've never really pushed it. But I do think it reaches a certain point where you feel like your child gets more independent and you should get more you time back!

Maybe just have a chat and then start planning for you... whether it's him taking the toddler or using a 3rd day of nursery etc.

Did you not read where I said we earn similar amounts I earned more than him this tax year last year he earned a little more. When I say running errands it will be a hair cut or going to a shop to buy stuff it’s not ever just 15 minutes. I also do all his life admin

He is evading his family as described by OP, she is working and running the house and parenting

OP describes a pattern of suddenly having 'work' when childcare is needed

So you’re just jealous he does other non work related things during his work day? Plenty
of people, me included, do that, it’s one of the advantages of being self employed,
or in my case wfh.

Agree... the things he's doing like running to the shop or getting a haircut or cleaning the car are all things that would eat into family life at any point whether its during the 9-5 or after. If he was heading for a 3hr pub lunch I'd probably understand

I agree. And in reality most mums pick up more of life and child stuff than dads do. I’m not saying that’s right or wrong, just a fact.

This is deliberate OP. You need a proper sit down with him where you point out that he is clearly avoiding the grunt work of childcare and taking the piss.

If things don't change I would start booking into his calendar, every day 7 am - 9 am and 5 pm - 9 pm (or whenever the troublesome times are). And some regular spot you would enjoy having time with friends.

Get yourself an evening hobby and then you will have a fair share of evenings.

He's using work as a cop out. You need to tell him no working during the evening meal prep, dinner time, bathtime, bedtime because you need him to help parent his child.

Separate to that, you need to book some time to yourself during a day when he can look after his child for an afternoon. Work out a schedule with him and see what he says.

I'm pretty sure he is going to be 'unavailable' at those times but at least you'll know what a bullshitter he is.

I don't know what people aren't getting here, it is absolutely unfair that he chooses to do whatever he likes for himself during the day when he could be working and then having to work to make that time up when it comes to the trickiest part of the day, very convenient for him! Plus he gets 2-3 hobby nights.

Meanwhile you are bringing in as much money as him, doing the housework in your "free time" and struggling with illness! I do think you need to speak to him - set out some non-negotiable times when he needs to be available to help you and he will just have to prioritise doing his work during the day to make sure he is around when he is needed.

Then I’m not clear, because you say you only work a few hours, max 3 hours per day? But that is equal or more pay as him? Ok fair play.
But I still dont see why you begrudge him getting a haircut or going to the shop - these things need doing sometime, so whether it’s during the day or in the evening or at the weekend, they need doing. I hope you’re able to get a haircut too?

I am not sure I understand your situation.
The two days your child is at nursery you do 3 hours of paid work and then do the housework? But those 6 hours a week earn as much as him, which is a reasonable amount according to you?

Your husband's hours are ad hoc, part of his role involves going to people's homes so that means he works late? That kind of makes sense. If I want to arrange an initial meeting with a tradesperson for example then I will do that when I have finished work where possible or ask for the latest time they can do it the day.

If your job is better paid and less hours could you suggest he works less and you do an extra day of paid work? Maybe on this day he could do childcare?

This! 💯

I could understand the annoyance if he was heading to the pub in the middle of making dinner or even going off for a run or something during his break from work when he could be minding the child or helping with housework but the things he does are tasks that just need to be done during a child's waking hours and could fall to either parent.

The impression I'm getting is that he's deliberately avoiding looking after the baby. There's not much you can do if you're with someone who's not a team player. You could try asking him to act more fairly but if he doesn't want to he won't.

I'm sorry.

Edit: the thing that persuades me is "He prioritises work when I need help". Also the fact you do all his life admin. He appear to be using you I'm afraid.

YANBU wanting / needing him to pull his weight. He is also the parent. YABU just letting him do his somewhat selfish / thoughtless thing and leave the being grown up bit to you.