House guests…

[houseguestsaibu]

Aibu regarding house guests?

Got family staying for a week at the moment (I know a week is hell in mumsnet terms!)
Normally I like to get up around 6/7am and sit with a coffee and my book for a hour or two till the kids are up. I don’t want to make small talk, I don’t want to talk or be hassled.
Our house guests soon as they hear me move, immediately jump out of bed and try and start conversations like why?! I don’t want to be hassled this early on in the day it actually makes the day feel a hell a lot longer too especially when entertaining guests. They don’t have kids so no need to jump up.

aibu to think it’s bad equiete to bug your hosts this early in the day?

Hmmm if they disturbed you whilst sleeping I would agree with you but talking to you after you get up...no. I would say thats normal. They are there to spend time with you are they not? I would feel guilty staying in bed after I herd you awake. Maybe just say fyi please dont feel you need to get up early because I do.

I think some people feel rude lying in bed knowing the host is up. Having said that, I’m with you - I really struggle with guests at breakfast time and just want some space at that point.

My mum used to do this when she stayed over - I also really dislike it. Can you make a coffee and go back to bed to read? That’s what I ended up doing!

They might well be muttering under their breath; "ffs, why does she get up so bloody early, s'pose we'll have to get up now - just wanna sleep for a bit longer"
So, you might be doing everyone a favour if you tell them they don't need to get up when they hear you.
And don't be polite about it, as the politeness itself often extends the duration of the behaviour.
Just tell them you sit for an hour with coffee and a book and don't want to chat at that time. 😀

Yes I do and they seem put out as I go back to bed for a bit but then I feel guilty and feel like I need to get up as they’re up, they know they don’t need to get up I have said it every day that please don’t get up because I am and I am happy for them to have a lie in especially if the kids are asleep!

When I visit them they don’t get up early so it’s a bit baffling to me. Maybe I should insist that they book a B&B next time lol! They are great guests other than this I just feel exhausted as I don’t get time to wake up properly. I am autistic aswell which they know and know I need a bit of “me” time to get me through the day!

I think it is bad etiquette to expect people to guess what your preferences are and get annoyed at them when they don't. Your preferences can be carefully worded i.e. "Maggie, please don't feel that you have to get up early to keep me company. I quite enjoy having some time to myself for an hour or so before everyone is up".

Coffee in a flask made night before and left next to your bed with your book ready for the morn. But I would say it's normal for guests to talk to their hosts when they're both up and awake.

And yet again, another simple problem that could be solved BY HAVING A CONVERSATION! Just tell them you like your morning quiet time.

I think they may feel they have to get up because you have.

Just tell them there's no need for them to do that.

I have.

I agree with PPs. They might feel they're being rude and/or lazy not getting up when you do. I'm not an early riser and always feel awkward if my hosts are up, as if they're drumming their heels waiting for me so they can get the day started.

Your guests are not mind readers, so I think you're just going to have to be explicit. Tell them they don't have to get up when you do and that you're quite happy to sit and read. Maybe mention it's what you do every morning and they might get the hint.

So you have asked them to give you an hour alone and they haven't? Yes, I think that's bad manners on their part. Later in the morning I'd try and get up same time as hosts because it makes coordinating breakfast/going out easier. They don't want to hang around waiting for me. But ar 6/7 when I know they want some solo time, I'd very happily stay in bed! Or disappear off for a run if that was in my plan.

Tell them frankly how much you enjoy your quiet hour or two first thing, and how much you really don't like conversation or company in that time!
They are family or close friends I should think so honesty about this shouldn't cause hurt or offence surely?

Then if they continue to intrude on your quiet time don't invite them to stay again!

Don’t have people to stay if this annoys you so much. It’s one week.

But I bet you’ve had a conversation in a nambu pamby (and very British way) where you’ve just said something like “please don’t feel you need to get up”. What you actually need to say is what you’ve said here “It’s lovely to have you here and to have so much time to catch up, but I really need that hour to myself in the morning to unwind quietly and prepare for the day. I know you don’t get up this early at home so there is no need to change your routine here, but if you do want to get up early while you are here, that’s of course fine but I’ll just take my
coffee to another room and have my quiet time alone.”

One question though - is that time in the morning the only time they get with you without your kids around? Because if so you probably need to carve out a different slot. Much as my parents adore my DC, I know when they visit they like alone time with me too.

No my kids are older so like to disappear off to their rooms in the evening.
It’s fine I am most likely being a grumpy mare it’s only for a few more days and they don’t stay oftern at all so really I should stuck it up!
I blame the peri-menopause. 😂

I would tell them plainly:
Susan, i need the first hour of the day to have my coffee alone and to plan my day before kids are up. I don’t like company first thing in the morning. So don’t feel that you need to get up - the official start of the day when kids are up.

If they say something back say that you know they are not early risers so they can do the same at your house.

Do you think they do it because they want your company without kids?
Or maybe they are not comfortable for any reason in their bed so waking up anyway? Some people are not good sleepers somewhere else.

I hate guests for this reason. We had two different lots over the Easter break and DH is a late sleeper, so it's all up to me. I just want to make my coffee & breakfast & have 30 minutes of quiet.

I think it's rude to tell your guests when to get up, so I suck it up. Most of our family & friends are early risers. They also smell coffee so they get up asking for me to make them one (machine with many buttons!).

I just try to limit guests staying!

People have usually been taught that considerate guests roughly follow the flow of the household and get up when their host does.

So I think YAB a bit U op if you didn’t say something like, “I hope I won’t disturb you in the mornings when I get up early to read and meditate for an hour before the day gets going at (whatever o’clock) I find it so beneficial to my mh nowadays. Please don’t feel that you need to get up when I do.”

You can’t expect your guests to be mind-readers op!

Your OP comments on a week of guests being hell "in Mumsnet terms", as if you disagree, but then you give an example of why it is difficult having guests. If you're up they might feel like they should get up of that they should make conversation. If you don't want to then you will need to stay in bed or make yourself scarce. It is difficult being "on" and entertaining all day.

I do limit guests staying, thankfully it’s only twice a year. I couldn’t cope with anymore than that we used to have DHs family stay every other month and I had to put my foot down on that one!

I do this as a house guest. It's because I feel lazy and uncomfortable lying in bed if the host is up and about. Not because I have a huge urge to socialise at 7am! Most of our friends and family we have to stay are the same.

I actually don't mind having small talk over a coffee with guests. But if I did want my own space for an hour I would just do as other posters have said and tell them that.

OP I have a friend who is similar and before people come to stay (and on the first evening of their stay) she 'jokingly' says that she's very anti social in the mornings so please don't mind if she needs some 'thawing' time before 8am. People seem to understand what she's getting at she says this works a treat.

I agree with you and I would be the same but unless you have told the guests this how are they meant to know? Could you get a drink and take it back up to bed? If you tell them they might not feel pressure to get up when they hear you as they perhaps feel bad if they hear you up and they’re not up helping.

Take your coffee back to bed.