Worried for our future as an only child

[Yuiiii]

My son is 4 and although his dad is in his life he lives far away following a rather traumatic break up when ds was 1.

He does see his dad regularly and I do my best to keep that a positive thing for ds. As a single parent approaching 40 there’s pretty much zero chance now of Ds having a sibling. I am struggling with this a lot lately. Not for me (though I would have loved another!), but I worry for DS. His dad is highly unlikely to have more children and his dad has no family other than one brother who lives abroad and has nothing to do with ds.

My family adore ds and he does have one cousin a similar age who he sees a couple of times a month as me and my sister are reasonably close. He has my parents too who see him a lot. But obviously as he grows up it will be just him. I worry for him. I genuinely can’t sleep at the moment as I wonder who he will turn to in a crisis when he’s 50. I hope he has a partner but he may not.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I know friends are hugely important but let’s be totally honest, it is slightly different to family. I did consider adopting but I think that’s a huge risk and I’m not even sure I would be considered as a single person.

Any advice or perspective would be appreciated!!

Most people get a partner at some point. There's no reason to think he won't. People with siblings don't always get on with them.

@HuckleberryJam I haven’t though… and I was his dad’s only relationship to date.

@HuckleberryJam agree not all siblings get on but it’s nice to know someone is out there who shares your genetic make up? I think

He will be absolutely fine. I’m an only child. I also have no cousins. Well, in theory, some exist out there, but I only met them a few times as a child and I could not even tell you their names or how many there are. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I didn’t have my dad around either (he died when I was 18) and I am no longer close to my mum.

Being an only child hasn’t negatively impacted me in any way. I didn’t feel my childhood lacked anything and I don’t wish I had a sibling or cousins now. I have lovely friends, a wonderful Dh and a happy marriage with dc of my own, work colleagues and neighbours. Nothing is missing from my life at all. My family is frankly a hot mess and friends have always been much more important to me.

I think the only person who will suffer from me being an only child is my mum. We are estranged and there is no one there to care for her when she needs it. Her partner’s children and grandchildren are also NC with them, so between them they have zero family. They will have to rely on paid care when they need it. But having a sibling quite likely would have made little difference. If 6 of us are NC with them, chances are the hypothetical 7th would have been too.

From my perspective though, being an only child was great and I don’t personally know anyone who relies heavily on siblings and cousins for support in their 40s and 50s. It’s partners, friends, children who are your support network as you get older.

I’m an only child. My parents were older and died before I was 30. Luckily I met dh when I was 22 an d we were engaged when my last parent died.
I won’t pretend I don’t miss having siblings/a big family but you get used to it. DH’s family are ok, some are tolerable, some I like a lot. His parents have now died too (we are in our 50s).
Im sure your DS will find a partner, maybe he’ll be more keen to meet someone as an ‘only’ and have his own children, like I did. It won’t be ‘just him’ for a long time if he has you, your sister and his cousin (and dad). You could live another 40 years!
I do agree that close friends aren’t the same as family as people will always prioritise their own people.

I'm an only child of 50 with a partner and three children, I've one aunt but otherwise noone by blood. I'm fine.

Only child here (in my 50s) with an only child of my own. I have a husband and good friends for support. My teenage son has tons of friends, and is involved in sociable hobbies where he meets people of all ages.

My own parents (in their 90s) are starting to need more from me, but they too have many neighbours, friends & former colleagues who share the support. For balance, my mum had a very dysfunctional childhood and therefore a very weird relationship with her sister. My dad had 4 siblings, and the only one who any of them actually got on with, died young. The others were actively obstructive when it came to any difficult family situations.

Everyone worries about their children, but try to separate natural worry, from projecting forward and predicting catastrophes that will probably never happen.

1. I had both my children after 40, so you may meet and a new partner and have another baby. 2.If your son remains an only child this needn’t be a bad thing. I have friends who are only children, they have found pros and cons, as with any family set up. You can have a sibling but become estranged, there are no guarantees. 3.Your son will have friends and most likely a partner, he needn’t be lonely !

I think due to a variety of factors (not least of which is cost of living) there will be significantly more families with only one child in this generation than previous generations.
There is no reason to suppose your son will be lonely as an adult because of this

I wasn’t an only but had an awful relationship with my sibling and haven’t seen them for over 20 years now.

The only time we will ever be in the same room is for our only parent’s funeral, if they even bother when the time comes.

It’s fine!

Loads of people have a family on paper - but little if anything to do with them.

as you grow up - you make your own family. Be that a partner and children or the friends that become your family.

blood doesn’t ensure anything - relationships and friendships occur throughout life and I’m sure your son will build a good network of people.

best thing you can do is model that to him now. Bring him up to be a kind, loving, thoughtful young man. Welcome his and your friends into your lives.

stop worrying about what may or may not be - he’s very little and there’s plenty of time for him to make friends and build strong relationships.

I know quite a few people worry about this but if I can offer an alternative view... sometimes having more people to involve/consult/share decisions and logistics with can actually be harder.. especially as people often live further away from eachother and have very different lives by time critical things need doing ans deciding later in life! That's even if they are all fairly normal and amicable, worse still if things are strained or difficult!

I understand where you’re coming from totally. DH and I are still together but there’s only really his parents and his sister (who has no interest in a relationship/children) on DH’s side. On my side, my brother has two girls who are of a similar age and we try to nurture that relationship as much of possible but their mother is also from a different country and there’s every chance either the family or the girls will move there at some point in the future. But there’s not much I can do about it other than try to keep myself as healthy as possible and try to bring DS up to be as resilient as he can be.

I think that often people make their own family and siblings are distant. Not always but that's common

This comes up so often, and is pointless. We make our own connections in life, and friends are often very much more important than siblings...... we make an effort to stay in touch with friends as adults, but not always with siblings.

OP, it's not up to you to give him "people", it's up to him to do it for himself (if that's what he wants).

Lying in bed worrying about this? Talk about inviting stress!

Even if you "gave" him a sibling, there's no guarantee they'd get on or indeed, sadly, that they'd live long enough to be a support in a crisis after you've gone. They could go before you.

I’m one of three. I rarely see my brothers - one lives overseas and one has a very chaotic lifestyle with a lot of issues.

I have an amazing group of friends who are always there for me in a crisis. I also have a supportive boss and work colleagues which helps a lot.

YABU to think having siblings guarantees you “better” support. Siblings (like any family) can be a curse as much as a blessing. If you had another child and they ended up having severe physical or learning disabilities then your son could then have the burden of looking after them once you weren’t around to do it.

Only children also tend to be more outgoing, resilient and good at making friends because they don’t automatically have playmates.

Nope. I live in fear that my sibling, who ive not seen for a decade, will call me out of the blue and ask for a spare organ and I'll have to either decide to say no, which will feel awful, or yes, which carries risks and the potential for lifelong impacts on me and my family.

I also know one day our last remaining parent, who my sibling treats appallingly, will one day die and they will be as difficult then as they were the first time round.

We lived together for less than 10 years and despite loving my sibling, they are unkind, unloving and the albatross around my neck.

Thank you SO much for these replies! I have been in such a state about it and I genuinely feel like I’ve got more of a perspective reading these replies.

I was desperately lonely growing up as an only child with a single father however I had no contact with any of my cousins aunts or uncles despite my dad having been one of 8, and seldom saw my grandparents.

I think I had a really idealised view of families though and realised quite late in childhood that people with siblings often didn't even like them.

If anything it probably made me more adept at making friends because otherwise I would have nobody to play with.

I was determined to have more than one child myself and my younger two are close but my older son really couldn't have cared less about having siblings, frankly he would probably rather have had a dog.

I think the best thing you can do is make sure your son has plenty of social opportunities and a good education so he will hopefully be financially independent.

I'm 50, I have a sibling but the person I'd turn to in a crisis is my DH. I wish i was an only child tbh as i dread having to sort out my parents estate with my sibling. I longed for a brother or sister when i was a child apparently - but then it really wasn't all it was cracked up to be and I spent much longer regretting it! DS is an only child and is so thankful for that.

Nope. no one longs for someone to share their genetic make up. People often long for close bonds but they can be with anyone and may not be with your sibling even if you have one.

You make it sound like children are always best friends with their siblings. Mostly they don't want to play with them, they simply have no choice!

He can't miss something he doesn't have and if anything he might get jealous if you had another. I loved having my mum's undivided attention as a kid.

People make friends with those they have things in common with. So your child will do the same. Your family, you can't choose and who says they'd be close or particularly fond of eachother.

@Charliede1182 thank you. We are trying to
make sure he is set up in life generally in case he doesn’t find a partner so at least that side of life will be eaiser for him. What would you recommend outside of ensuring making friends?

@BillieWiper i suppose it’s moments when playing and im washing up or cooking and i think it would be so nice if someone else was there to enjoy playing while im doing the essential jobs