Is this rude and would you end a friendship over it?

[Chocaholick]

Not dramatically, more just a gentle ‘let go’ thing, because I’m wondering if it’s run its course.

My friend and I have been very close since age 10, have weathered all the storms together, she’s the funniest person I’ve ever met and we just generally click.

She got married 3 years ago, I already had 2 children at that point. But since then it’s like she’s withdrawing from me. She takes ages to reply, often cancels plans to meet up, and when we do agree something I get messages asking to meet later, or to convert it from an overnight to an afternoon thing.

She and her husband were supposed to stay with us this weekend, we’ve had it planned for months. A few days ago I got a text saying they needed to stay home on Saturday so could they just come for Sunday. I said ok, annoyed as I had cancelled much needed overtime to spend the weekend with them. Then last night ‘can we come at lunchtime rather than the morning’. Yes that’s fine. Now I’ve just received a text saying they’ll be an hour late. No apology or reason.

I’m fed up now. I have 2 small children, a full time job, a dog and a disability and yet I make time for her and am ‘hosting’ today (she doesn’t really do this). I’ve spent a small fortune on food and drinks which now probably won’t be needed.

I know I’ll be told to have it out with her, but I just get the feeling there’s nothing up per se, she’s just become a bit inconsiderate. I have noticed some friends think because I have kids now, I’m transformed into a maternal Mother Theresa type who just wants to give give give and host them while they carry on a fun party lifestyle. Like I have nothing better to do than sit at home waiting for them to get in touch.

Just a moan really but would you call time on this one?

It would probably be a good idea to have a quiet chat with her at some point. People’s lives change, however given that this coincided with her getting married and from personal experience some partners have an impact on relationships. Mine tried to ostracise me from friends and family.

I wouldn't have it out with her but I would relegate her.

Don't be the instigator for the next few months-see if you hear from her.

Let her be the kisser, not the kissed and see what transpires. If the friendship falls away then it's no loss to you as you were paying top dollar for something that became an inferior product.

I would stop trying to do things as families together. It's very possible that her new FH isn't interested in getting to know you. Just you & her on a small meet up, just a drink or brunch if that is all she can do. But I'd definitely try & leave the door open & show her you still care as over50&fab said there could be pressures on her in her marriage & long-term she may well need you.

Maybe she’d prefer a one to one meet-up.

Do you think she could be ttc/ going through tests/fertility treatments? Not to excuse your friend’s behaviour but it can become all consuming.

I don’t think an hour late is too bad if they are coming to spend the whole day with you but if tjey are supposed to be coming for lunch and you have it all prepared then it’s rather rude.
But looking at the bigger picture I think perhaps you could take a close look at her hisband, how he behaves, how she responds to him and if she has changed in any significant way.
He might be controlling, or she might be totally happy and loved up, so mich so tnat anything else is not very important to her at the moment.

I understand your hurt and frustration particularly as it seems to be a recurring theme.

Personally, I would keep the door ajar with her as she is a very old friend, which is rare and you might one day live regret ending things.

BUT, I would see how things go and not take plans too seriously.

Friendships change over time and often do a complete circle, so hopefully this one will.

Second this, do you ever just have you and her catch up? How old are your dc? At the moment due to ours ages toddler and 8, it’s not possible really to have any adult catch ups unless manage to somehow distract and still the focus has to be on toddler for safety readons

I don't think you need to call time on it but you do need to accept that the friendship is changing and match her energy.

Don't suggest or agree to anything that means you are cancelling over-time or commiting big blocks of time and try not to take this personally. Just let it shift down a gear or two for a while. I think this is normal in long friendships and different phases of life.

If you like her and like spending time together then dont cancel the friendship.
Maybe 1.1 coffee or lunch would work
I have a very flaky friend and have tried to change my expectations so I dont buy a plant for a present for example as I end up having to keep it as she cancels amd dont buy or prepare lots of food that we as a family wouldnt eat or pop out just before she arrives as she is always late/changes plans etc
It is frustrating I do get that

Does she live far away, is there a reason it needs to an overnight thing? Do you see her without your partners? Maybe her DH isn’t as keen on socialising with your family as you are with her. I only really enjoy one to one socialising and not for too long.
Maybe he’s controlling, maybe she’s trying for a baby and having no luck, it could be anything.

Yes I would say 70% of our meet ups or plans just involve us two, and not the kids/husbands (my kids obviously)

Reading all replies, thanks for responding. I’m reluctant to throw just an old and precious friendship away but I’m hurt by this one.

Then tell her.

I’d tell her not to come today now then wait
and see if she arranges anything next. If not then Id let it drift

I really feel for you.

I think your friend, by her behaviour is hinting that she doesn't feel the same about your friendship.

Yes, I would feel hurt and would have to tell her as much. She isn’t being a good friend or decent person. Cancelling last minute is rude and should always be avoided unless there’s an actual emergency. If someone has a pattern of cancelling, they’re probably just a rubbish flakey person. The fact she reduced your time together from the full weekend to a couple of hours on Sunday is pretty naff and selfish behaviour.

I'd meet her with the same energy.

Late replies. No offer to host. Cancel or change plans last minute. See how she likes it.

How she deals with it will tell you everything.

Or just back off now?

It does sound like you are giving a lot to this friendship and not getting much back.

when you meet up what do you generally do?

People change though, and that’s ok

I completely see where you're coming from - the only part that's a bit unfair is that you're saying 'yeah it's fine' to all the (annoying - I'm completely with you on that) changes she makes, so if you do either have an argument about it or drop her it might come out of left field for her. I must admit I would probably have said 'shall we just leave it?' after she'd changed the plans for the second time.

You know her best, but if she is just more of a laid back person who wouldn't care if you were late to hers she might honestly not feel she is doing anything 'wrong.' However if you would soon hear about it if you ever cancelled on or inconvenienced her, she's being unfair and hypocritical.

Maybe just take a step back for a few months rather than making an immediate decisions? Don't suggest any meet ups, leave the ball in her court. If she does suggest something go if it's something you want but don't go out of your way and don't do any hosting or anything that inconveniences you or costs you a lot of money. It might be that the friendship does fade out without you making all the effort, but at least without any big falling out you can always claw it back if you do miss her. Or she might realise that she misses you which could prompt an honest conversation.

People change though, and that’s ok

Maybe, but making arrangements then messing people about isn't ok.

If it's a genuine emergency, you explain and cancel, not do what friend isvdoing.

OP, I hope the food and drink you've bought will keep or freeze so it's not wasted.

This was my first thought. Or that her husband doesn’t care for you as a friend, or doesn’t understand your long friendship.

Yes I agree and OP shouldn’t be messed about.

but it’s ok that friend doesn’t want meet with children and family, but she should say so

I would definitely withdraw from the friendship, stop hosting her and her husband, and tell her (write her a letter maybe?) how hurt you are by her flaky and inconsiderate behaviour.

Just a moan really but would you call time on this one?

Not without an adult conversation first.