Is this rude and would you end a friendship over it?

[Chocaholick]

Not dramatically, more just a gentle ‘let go’ thing, because I’m wondering if it’s run its course.

My friend and I have been very close since age 10, have weathered all the storms together, she’s the funniest person I’ve ever met and we just generally click.

She got married 3 years ago, I already had 2 children at that point. But since then it’s like she’s withdrawing from me. She takes ages to reply, often cancels plans to meet up, and when we do agree something I get messages asking to meet later, or to convert it from an overnight to an afternoon thing.

She and her husband were supposed to stay with us this weekend, we’ve had it planned for months. A few days ago I got a text saying they needed to stay home on Saturday so could they just come for Sunday. I said ok, annoyed as I had cancelled much needed overtime to spend the weekend with them. Then last night ‘can we come at lunchtime rather than the morning’. Yes that’s fine. Now I’ve just received a text saying they’ll be an hour late. No apology or reason.

I’m fed up now. I have 2 small children, a full time job, a dog and a disability and yet I make time for her and am ‘hosting’ today (she doesn’t really do this). I’ve spent a small fortune on food and drinks which now probably won’t be needed.

I know I’ll be told to have it out with her, but I just get the feeling there’s nothing up per se, she’s just become a bit inconsiderate. I have noticed some friends think because I have kids now, I’m transformed into a maternal Mother Theresa type who just wants to give give give and host them while they carry on a fun party lifestyle. Like I have nothing better to do than sit at home waiting for them to get in touch.

Just a moan really but would you call time on this one?

I'd be worried about her relationship tbh.

At this point I'd be saying to her that it's not really worth anyone's time or effort coming, so don't bother.

Thanks everyone. They eventually turned up, nearly 2 hours late, stayed a few hours then left. I enjoyed her company as always but it did feel very ‘popping in’. They had to drive over an hour to get to me, so it felt a bit brief. I’m going to be taking the advice re stepping back and from now on she can do the running. I won’t be arranging or facilitating meet ups any more.

Have only read OP’s posts but it sounds to me like her DH may not enjoy spending time with you?

This is what I’ve done on a few occasions. Made it obvious that I am not that impressed and taken a step back.

E.g for the weekend I might have said “I know it can be difficult to juggle but just to let you know I turned down overtime and cancelled other plans on Sat to see you. Anyhow, it’s probably not worth the hassle just to do Sunday afternoon and you’re obviously pretty busy so why don’t we give ourselves the time back and cancel. Let me know when you might be free after summer.”

That way she knows she’s pissed you off, you’ve set a boundary and it’s on her to arrange the next one. IME the good friends do realise and put the effort in.

This is so sad.
Why not talk to her first? Ask her about what is happening and try to find out the reason for it?
Do you want to keep what sounds like a long and precious relationship?

I don’t want to do a big drip feel but essentially I’ve always been the slightly more supportive, accommodating friend and there have been times when she’s not really ‘shown up’ for me. I don’t know if I now have the energy to spend my time trying to elicit from her what the matter is when a) she will probably say nothing and b) we are close enough that if she wanted to tell me something, I think she would.

I’m not cutting her off, just stepping back.

But if you've always been the accommodating one, you've contributed to the dynamic where she expects that from you, and you never tell her when you feel your efforts are unreciprocated! For instance, unless you tell her you cancelled overtime and bought a lot of food and drink which weren't needed for a weekend visit that became an afternoon, she's not going to know.

I mean, you can't train someone to see you as having no needs of your own and then complain when they do!

i would just send a txt with it was lovely to catch up. We must do it more often but then just leave it up to her to organise. And when she tries to change plans just say it doesn’t suit and you will catch up some other time. She will either value your time or the friendship will dwindle.

Yes it’s rude and yes, in your shoes, I would let the friendship fade away. I cannot stand this sort of interaction, just reading your experience made me annoyed on your behalf. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how disrespectful people can be of my time, and I really value friends who are straightforward and reliable. I just do not have the time to badger ‘friends’ who cannot commit to spending time with me, no matter how delightful their company. Let her go.

You would be very unreasonable to pull back without talking to your life long friend about it, and giving her the opportunity to change things together. What is there to lose? Say you fall out based on the conversation, that's just the same outcome as drifting apart.

For all the people telling you to talk to her, I wouldn’t bother. She is telling you with her actions how much she values your time and friendship. Very little.

I’d just take a step back and commit less - arrange things that don’t inconvenience me (sorry, I can’t say no to the overtime; sorry, I can’t host but happy to meet out). Let her initiate things for a bit. I’ve done that with three friends - two have basically disappeared from my life and one is only interested in phone conversations and never suggests meeting up. So be it. It’s easier than having a one sided friendships.

Dont have it out but maybe think about a way tlu can how you feel over text afterwards. She may not realise and it's useful information for her. If you value her that's the least you should do before being more distant

I wouldn’t say anything, wait for her to contact and then if you do meet up arrange a venue half way between you both.

Well you are acting like it’s all totally fine with you when she changes plans last minute. You should say something like: ‘oh no that doesn’t really work for me! I’ve made all the arrangements for you to spend the weekend! We planned this months ago, what has happened? It must be serious!’
I can’t bear it when people keep me on standby as if I have no other possible plans. So don’t let her do this. Don’t invite her to stay if she’s likely to cancel and perhaps do things just the two of you, if you still want to.

Yes, I wouldn't waste time having a heartfelt conversation or monologue with her about it. But I would use my reactions to set boundaries, ie wait for her to contact you or initiate a meeting, and say no if it doesn't suit you.

Unless it is something to do with her DH, in which case a friend might be concerned enough to try and find out? He could be the controlling, separate partner from her friends type.

I don’t think it’s her DH.

I just feel like she’s not really had any serious life responsibilities and therefore she’s a bit dismissive of mine. She’s the youngest ‘child’ in her family and has lovely parents who dote on her and she’s very used to being cared for and focussing on herself. I think it’s played into a bit of a lack of self awareness when it comes to other people and what’s going on in their lives and the role she plays in it, and while this was probably masked in our youth and as younger adults, it gets more prominent as the years go by and I’ve had to adapt to various life challenges.

Why not just say no sorry that doesnt work for me when she starts changing things? She's very rude.

I definitely will in future; as I said, this is where me being the flexible accommodating person ends.

Sorry if this is a dripfeed (and it doesn’t affect your responses’ validity at all), but just to give another example, she turned up to meet my youngest child (who was a few months old at the time) high, and openly said she had just eaten some hash brownies (I had NO idea she did this, before anyone says anything! She dabbled at uni but hadn’t mentioned it for years).

I told her she couldn’t come in and I get the impression she thought I was overreacting like a petty suburban housewife.

She just doesn’t seem to ‘get’ that we are no longer 17.

Wow. Let’s consider and make all the possible scenarios for why a person is rude and inconsiderate…. you know most often people are just showing you who they are with their actions. It really is that simple.

It seems to me your friend is cutting down on the friendship, so the matter could eventually be decided for you.
Sometimes friendships just fade because lives change; sometimes they can be revived, but ultimately, it takes two to want to keep a friendship alive.

@Chocaholick "I think it’s played into a bit of a lack of self awareness when it comes to other people and what’s going on in their lives and the role she plays in it"

Fuck that. Have you really got the time for someone that doesn't give two shits? You're both in two very different places now. Life moves on, things change. This friendship might've worked when you were teenagers out clubbing together, but who stays like that forever! Recognise it and move on.