AIBU to buy the kids' presents myself since MIL isn't giving them?

[Bearbookagainandagain]

Wondering how to tackle this one, as I'm getting frustrated but don't want to upset anyone either.

For background, we were celebrating Christmas with my family this year, so weren't actually going to see MIL on Christmas week.

We were back on 27th Dec though, so if her and my husband had planned anything we could have meet up. It was a bit more complicated this year because my husband was working all through the holidays, with only the bank holidays off. But again there were options if they wanted to.

Except, they didn't. No idea why, I don't think either of them has tried to organise anything. It's a bit typical, I'm the one who usually reminds my husband that we should probably invite his mum to our kids birthdays etc. I don't do more than that because I have enough to deal with with my own family. MIL is retired and could take initiatives but never does, then complains she doesn't see the kids... Husband just keeps forgetting I think (he's not very close to his mum).

Now, the current dilemma: because they haven't sorted anything since November, MIL hasn't actually given the kids (2 and 4) their Christmas presents... I don't really care, it's not about the presents, but when she asked if we had any ideas we told her about specific garden items the kids wanted.
Those items would be perfect now for the spring/summer. We would have bought them ourselves but didn't because they were supposed to get them for Christmas. Now we've had a few good sunny days, and the kids have asked about it again.

So I'm getting annoyed now because I don't really want to be begging for presents from MIL, but I would like to get those items for the kids and don't want to cause drama.

I also don't really want to contact MIL myself to set a date. Her and husband just need to get their shit together, we are available most weekends, it would take minutes to agree a date and place (hers, ours, half way - plenty of options).

As far as I'm aware, she has already bought the items.

So WWYD?
YABU - wait for MIL to finally deliver presents (hopefully before next Xmas)
YANBU - I just buy the items myself, and maybe they'll get duplicates eventually

Just buy the stuff
xmas was 4 months ago
it’s not important to her or she would have done it

I would just go out and buy the stuff yourself she is never going to give the stuff to the kids and they are asking about it let her have a strop about it if she ever gets round to handing the presents over.

Just buy it.

it’s been months since Christmas.

and never give her ideas of what to buy again.

Your DH needs to get his act together

Yes, your DH should probably have been the one to contact her. But he hasn’t, so I don’t understand why you can’t just give her a friendly call and invite her over / suggest you all go there. Why is it such a big deal? Seems crazy to me.

Forget about her presents, they might not even exist, buy what you need and if you don’t want duplicates, sell or decline hers if they ever arrive.

Just buy the stuff.

If you eventually get the ones from MIL sell them and buy the kids something else with the money.

Is she annoyed because you didn't spend Christmas with her so is deliberately witholding your children's gifts?

Who does she complain to about not seeing your kids? Is it to you or your husband?

So she asks dc what they want and then doesn't bother to make sure they got them? That's awful.
Was she hoping to force your hand and visit her?
Curious about Mother's Day - did dh send a card?

Buy the items, it's after easter now if she'd brought them anything for Christmas she'd have made sure they'd have received them by now. If by some chance she has actually brought them, least they'll be a back up to put away incase if anything gets damaged.

Either you buy the stuff yourself or call her and invite her over (though I wouldn’t be surprised if she arrives empty handed). Your DH is useless and your MIL doesn’t seem to care much so in future if asked about gifts say a voucher or cash contribution to a bigger gift or whatever else that isn’t something you are counting on.

Your husband should be dealing with this! And he should just ask them outright: "hi mum, no big deal either way just wanted to check - you mentioned you might have got the kids those gardening things for Xmas? If you did, any chance you could post them on, as we were planning to get them now it's gardening season, - but don't want to spoil your gift if you've already got them"

You're all as bad as each other. It's honestly like 3 spoilt brats trying to organise a meet up!

You chose that seeing your family was more important than seeing MIL over Christmas, were too lazy to organise to go and see her another time, and yet some how blame MIL for not having giving the presents.

MIL is also too lazy to ring you and invite you over, which she absolutely could and DH can't be bothered to do anything.

If they are useless at arranging things as your H is and you’re around most weekends, why don’t you text them and say why not pop over on so and so day and time. It takes two minutes. Some people are just rubbish at that sort of thing.

I just don't have that kind of relationship with her. The way their family interacts is very very different from mine. They don't communicate at all, and it is very weird to me too.

They are really nice overall though and we do get along when we meet.

Ultimately i think the issue is the relationship between my husband, his mum and his siblings. And that was well established long before we met, which is why I don't want to get involved.

Your DH needs to get his shit together. Your MIL is probably still hurt that she wasn't included AT ALL over Christmas and even by April your DH hasn't addressed this.

You are being stubborn too.

If you purchase these items yourself, it is now too late for her to return the ones she has, so would be quite thoughtless of you to do intentionally.

I understand dealing with plans with your own families, we do that too, but I think all 3 of you should grow up so your children can have the relationship with their grandmother and toys that are waiting for them.

Since Christmas there has been Mother’s Day and Easter? Has there been any communication with respect to these days?

I'd just buy them. If The ILs then complain that they'd already bought them for Christmas, remind them that Christmas was 4 months ago.

I don't understand why you haven't invited them over, or told your DH to do it if you prefer.

Some people wait to be invited rather than drop in or invite themselves. If you know they are like that then invite them!

Just to add, not only has your DH not seen them at Christmas but there has also been mothers day and Easter. This is really on him.

Hi, sorry this triggered you.

I like my MIL, she's nice. But I don't owe her anything. She is a grown up adult who could pick up the phone and message me, and never did in the 6 years I've known her.
I did, at times, in the beginning. I make sure she is aware of our kids birthday celebrations. I think I do my part.

We alternate Christmas, this year was with my family - who actually make an effort to see us and spend time with us.

I'd be saying DH you have to arrange to see DMIL this month, suggest some dates and times/ places. Please arrange it with her today and let me know when it is.
I know I should leave it to him, but it wouldn't be done.

You seem to be ignoring the MD and Easter questions. If they are, in effect LC, then just proceed on that basis. You are in danger of showing your children strange family relationships, unless your DH takes the initiative.

@Bearbookagainandagain you, or rather both you and your DH owe your children a good example of how to interact with their GPs and the both of you need to make sure within all the game playing, that they aren't let down, as they have been.

It’s not happening it’s unlikely they will bother. If they ask again suggest something else or say we bought xyz would you prefer to transfer money or get something different.