AIBU to buy the kids' presents myself since MIL isn't giving them?

[Bearbookagainandagain]

Wondering how to tackle this one, as I'm getting frustrated but don't want to upset anyone either.

For background, we were celebrating Christmas with my family this year, so weren't actually going to see MIL on Christmas week.

We were back on 27th Dec though, so if her and my husband had planned anything we could have meet up. It was a bit more complicated this year because my husband was working all through the holidays, with only the bank holidays off. But again there were options if they wanted to.

Except, they didn't. No idea why, I don't think either of them has tried to organise anything. It's a bit typical, I'm the one who usually reminds my husband that we should probably invite his mum to our kids birthdays etc. I don't do more than that because I have enough to deal with with my own family. MIL is retired and could take initiatives but never does, then complains she doesn't see the kids... Husband just keeps forgetting I think (he's not very close to his mum).

Now, the current dilemma: because they haven't sorted anything since November, MIL hasn't actually given the kids (2 and 4) their Christmas presents... I don't really care, it's not about the presents, but when she asked if we had any ideas we told her about specific garden items the kids wanted.
Those items would be perfect now for the spring/summer. We would have bought them ourselves but didn't because they were supposed to get them for Christmas. Now we've had a few good sunny days, and the kids have asked about it again.

So I'm getting annoyed now because I don't really want to be begging for presents from MIL, but I would like to get those items for the kids and don't want to cause drama.

I also don't really want to contact MIL myself to set a date. Her and husband just need to get their shit together, we are available most weekends, it would take minutes to agree a date and place (hers, ours, half way - plenty of options).

As far as I'm aware, she has already bought the items.

So WWYD?
YABU - wait for MIL to finally deliver presents (hopefully before next Xmas)
YANBU - I just buy the items myself, and maybe they'll get duplicates eventually

I agree .

Just buy the items yourself and don’t mention MIL’s Christmas presents anymore. If they miraculously appear, you can say you went ahead and bought them after Easter as you assumed that the items hadn’t been bought for Christmas and tell her to return them (yes, they’ll be outside the returns period but it’s not your problem to deal with having to sell the items, let MIL have the inconvenience of that).

its ridiculous to withhold Christmas presents from little children for almost 4 months.

I agree regarding the strange relationships, although i think it balances out as we have a very different relationship with my side of the family.

I am hoping it will get better as the kids grow older, as they might be able to spend some time alone with her even if it's not too frequent.

I wasn't ignoring MD and Easter questions. He sent her flowers for MD but that's not something they would celebrate much anyway. We did something very small at home.
Easter we didn't do anything this year either, so it completely slipped my mind to be honest. The kids were with the childminder most of the holiday including bank holidays.

I actually think you sound a bit petty refusing to get in touch yourself or tell your husband to do so. You know he's a bit crap at it, I'd just say to him, we've not seen your mum and dad in ages, can you text and we'll set something up?
They are your kids grandparents bet if your mum hadn't seen the kids in a while you'd be pinging her a message, hey shall we see you in the next few weeks?

Theres no need for any of this.

Maybe you don't have that sort of relationship because you haven't built one?

This woman isn't nothing to you, she's your husbands mum and your children's grandma.

And you don't even have to message her yourself just say to DH, ping your mum a message DH, we haven't seen her in months, ask her when she has a free weekend for us to visit?

Its really really obvious you don't like her and would just like to minimise the time you have to spend with DH's family so it suits you really nicely that DH is shit at communicating. Except.... You want the presents for your kids. That's the only reason for your dilemma. Grabby much

And if you have a son OP? You and DH are modelling very clearly for him what sort of relationship he'll have with his mum when older. Bear that in mind eh. If you have a son, this is how he will treat you when he's an adult.

But you don’t have to follow their model of strange/little communication. Be the bigger person and model to them, and to your DC, what normal family relationships look like!

So you haven't seen her since November?
How far away does she live?
Does he speak to her regularly?

It really is DH's responsibility to drive this relationship, however as you have said they are perfectly nice I think you need to point out ho him that the children need more contact than this to build a relationship.

The presents is a weird one. It would probably offend her if you rebuy when probably to her mind you haven't bothered to meet up for her to give the children the ones she has presumably bought. Grandparents are often told off for being too pushy & demanding of time, I think the organisation here needs to come from your DH. If his mum hasn't done anything wrong then he seems to be treating her quite badly.

You can’t force a relationship with people who don’t want one. I have a very close relationship with my family, DH’s family aren’t close at all (DMIL died, DFIL remarried and is focused on his second wife, DH and DSIL have never liked each other).

We have invited them over, they usually say no. We lived overseas, they never visited and weren’t interested in doing Zoom calls. We see them at Christmas and they are more than happy with that - DFIL spends the visit sneering at DS’s achievements, his wife spends the visit sneering at DH’s career and trying to get me to agree, and DSIL spends the visit telling everyone how hard and awful her life is. I hang out with the kids to avoid the adults. Honestly the less exposure DS has to all of that, the better.

Buy the presents, but don't whitewash MIL's reputation with that one. The presents are from you.

Don't be sorry, it didn't trigger me at all. It's just at EVERYTHING you've said that your MIL could do, you could do just as well. So if you chose not to, then it's fine that she choses not to too. To be honest you are probably much busier than her, so you letting her know when you are free makes more sense.

I would just buy it and your Dh can communicate that they’ve been purchased in case they were considering them for future presents. I’d otherwise stay out of it. Let them organise something between them. They surely are not going to come bounding over to visit in May with Christmas presents to open. If they do buy a duplicate in the future, your Dh can inform them you already have that and they can return it or you can sell it.

Absolutely don’t dress up that any of this is from grandparents though. We used to do this with Easter eggs and advent calendars. For a couple years, MIL would buy them and bring them over. Then she stopped bothering and would send dh money and ask us to buy them. Then she asked us to buy them and she’d send money (but didn’t) - I don’t personally care but dc always liked getting them from her specifically. Now she doesn’t even mention it and I just buy them and say they’re from us because I can’t keep up this dance.

I don’t owe her anything . Says it all .

How far away does MIL live?