To ask how a child is supposed to make different friends if the whole class is in tight groups/pairs?

[ToffeeCrabApple]

Dd is 7/y2. She had various friends in rec/y1, including one sort of on/off "best friend" - they waxed and waned in what seemed to be a healthy way and also often played with various other girls, but did always seem to gravitate back to each other. DD seems to me to be a completely normal kid gets on great with her brother and cousins and makes friends easily outside school eg on holiday club.

In y2 suddenly it seems like the whole class is in one tight exclusive pair or group or other. The "best friend" swiftly dropped DD for a new girl. I advised DD to not go chasing after them, especially if they were not kind to her "you can't play" and the like. Encouraged her to play with others, had a few play dates to help her broaden out etc.

It hasn't worked. Seemingly all the girls are in very tight 2s/3s, DD is a perpetual unwelcome third wheel asking to play. No ones invited her for play dates back. I keep calmly cheerfully saying "don't worry just find someone else to play", but everyone keeps saying you can't make kids include others etc, what the fuck do you do if no one lets you play? Her big brother has said she's ending up on her own a lot and joining him (he's kind and is fine with this). He also told me quietly he's seen former "best friend" running away from her when she asks to join in.

She was completely fine till now. Confident, sociable. Why are little girls so mean to each other?

I just don't know what to do. Asked teacher, who shuffled tables around at one point but can't do much else. Poor DD is just getting sad and her confidence is drifting away.

Have you reminded her there are boys in the class too, and they might be fun to play with?

Were any of the play dates promising? I’d just invite someone again. I know it’s usual to go one host each, but there are various reasons some families might not want to host and they might be nothing to do with your child.

Talk to the teacher again, there might be more the school can offer like a lunchtime club to support her make new friends. Is there just one Year 2 class at your school?

I’d keep trying with play dates.
Keep encouraging her to play (with boys too!)
Does she do any after school clubs?

The teachers / school need to handle this better. Encourage kindness , tell kids that it’s not ok to exclude someone from games, a kindness bench where a kid who is lonely will go to sit and a bench monitor child will go and talk to / play with that child.
stop letting the children choose partners / pairs in lessons .
Is there a teacher in the playground watching what is happening ?

Of course, she has occasionally played with various boys and we had a couple to play but it never seems to "stick" or develop into more of a friendship.

This happened to me in primary school. One big group of boys who played football every lunchtime then tight groups of 2 or 3 others. (Our class was 32-36 kids).

I just drifted a bit. Occasionally I'd get closer to some kids but never very close. My biggest stress was PE every week because we had to choose our partners. fortunately I was very sporty so usually someone was happy to be with me but I worried every week. I would have appreciated it if my mum had spoken to the teacher so the teacher occasionally partnered people together rather than it feeling like a popularity competition.

I have no advice but I did find my tribe at secondary school and had a very close best friend and a good group of friends so it was much better.

((Hugs)) for your DD

They all seemed to go well, we had a couple of kids twice but then at school they play with their bestie & excluded dd

:(

Yes, just one form. No other schools in walking distance and we've otherwise been h happy with this school, she doesn't want to move or anything

Interesting she has started saying she hates pe this term, I wonder if this is why :(

It’s very normal for friendship groups to shift about. Difficult to watch them go through it, though.

Keep working with the school, extending those play date invitations and focussing on activities where she can build her confidence.

Sounds like you are a very caring family.

It could be. It was 35 years ago and I vividly remember how I felt every week. I used to spend a couple of days trying to get someone to promise to be my partner , which of course wasn't something they were bothered enough to discuss so far ahead!

I would also add -

• there's no rainbows group but ive put her on the list for brownies next yr but haven't heard yet if shes got a place. I can't volunteer week in week out at it due to my working hours but ive said I could volunteer for camps and other extra activities and can do one week a term (i will have to leave work early for that).

She does a sport club & swimming but no one from school goes (she has a nice little friend at the sport). I'm trying to get her to join the school choir as lots of kids go to that.

It happened to me in year 3-4 it was a lonely time. Things got better for me after one left one joined and a couple fell out and after the summer holidays I think. Although I got accused of taking my new friend away from someone else too! I echo I wish my mum had spoken to teacher.

As a retired teacher, you need to speak to her teacher again. Year 2 is quite young to be starting all this so her teacher needs to get a better grip on what’s going on, social interactions etc. whilst teachers can’t be on hand for all interactions and break times, they can have a lot of influence over who sits near who, who partners who etc. I’ve always liked partners in learning, walking around school, lining up etc…it helps in securing good behaviour, mentoring, socialising, mirroring….all sorts of things….its not actually about partnering or lining up. The teacher could influence things like this. Is the teacher young?
Year 2 is still a “young” year group. The teacher is still able to influence easily. You need to start with there.

outside activities, sports or guides or similar

The teacher is v experienced, really nice about it and willing to help in classroom (monitor pairs, but it hasn't seemed to translate to any improvement in the playground. A lot of the girls in particular seem to gravitate towards games for two and aren't willing to open it up a bit.

I'd love school to use PE to encourage/teach games that work for bigger groups!

It probably doesn't help that she is a young summer born in a girl heavy class dominated by early birthdays :(

I am sorry your little girl is struggling, OP. It's lovely that her big brother is so kind to her.

I think you should go back to the school and ask for more help with the playtime/lunchtime situation. I have been a school governor for many years, and schools can and do put interventions in place to help children who are struggling to make friends for whatever reason. Make it clear that you are concerned about the impact on her mental wellbeing and ask if there is more that the school can put in place.

You definitely need to go back to the school and reiterate the damage this is doing to her mental health.
There are interventions that may help and they may be children that are also struggling with friendships in Yr 1 or Yr 3 for example that they could introduce so breaktimes are more enjoyable.

The school need to be doing more- ask to speak to their mental health lead or pastoral lead if the class teacher isn't proactive in sorting out the playground situation.

Hope things improve for your DD soon, it's heartbreaking when they are struggling like this.

My parents took no interest whatsoever in my friendships and parents now are far too invested. Children naturally fall in an out of friendships and your daughter will have to learn to tough it out. Play days curated by parents are an artificial form of making friends.

Another one who says speak to the teacher about possible things that could happen at playtime. Buddy benches, having an adult modelling or extending games that can be played by lots of people.

Girl heavy classes can be tricky sometimes. Especially if they have older siblings as they start to model older siblings play earlier.

Keep up with the play dates out of school and out of school clubs.

Out of interest, do a lot of the girls who are in tight knit groups have mums who are friends? Hence they are in tight groups because they see one another a lot (holidays/ odd weekends) out of school. This can be very difficult because the mums are already established friends and naturally plan things with their friends and the kids kind of tag along but play together. It also makes arranging playdates difficult as free time is prioritised for existing "mum friends" and some people will not branch out of their group of "mum friends" and have no interest in widening their social circle.

She is in year 2.

Friendship groups are evolving all the time.

In 2 months time the groups will be different again.

Speak to the teacher about the break/ lunchtime situation.

But I think it'll work itself out.

Do you have many friends now @Friendlygingercat ? My parents also took this view and it took me a really long time to work out how to interact with people without being a doormat/ blow hot and cold / feeling like every social event was a test. Social skills need teaching like everything else.

I think it's fairly obvious @Friendlygingercat struggles with social skills.

It sounds heartbreaking OP, I hope things improve soon

Try Beavers as well