AIBU to decline a wedding invitation from estranged extended family?

Bennybannsider2 · 10/04/2026 14:40

I would go. I would also make an effort to look the part- I assume you think the guests will be wearing very fancy outfits.

HoppityBun · 10/04/2026 14:40

It’s a kind thought and they need not have bothered. I’d go. How you look won’t matter. All it needs is that you’ve made an effort and lots of weddings clothes are daft anyway

PopcornKitten · 10/04/2026 14:42

Well, do you want to go? It’s an invite not a summons. If you don’t go then the situation will continue as normal with you remaining estranged. If you go it will be viewed as you wanting to build bridges and restore the relationship.

TFImBackIn · 10/04/2026 14:42

They might know you won't go but would send a present. I'd just politely refuse and say something like I was going to be away that weekend, then wish them a long and happy marriage. Completely agree with you about Mrs Man's Name, though - I thought that went out decades ago.

YerMotherWasAHamster · 10/04/2026 14:45

Do you want to build bridges with them?

Have they shown any indication before this that they want to build bridges with you.

Ask yourself if they actually want you there or if the invitation is a formality and they expect that you'll decline. Or if they don't want the other family to know there's a rift and they want you to play nice.

Listlostlast · 10/04/2026 14:46

As above, do you feel like you want to go? I suspect not and you’re hoping answers to this thread will affirm that, which is fine, again as above, it’s an invitation, not a summons! It is kind of them to invite you though I think, and so if I didn’t attend, I would send a card to thank them and to wish them well rather than just a standard rsvp-no.
I don’t know what I’d do really. I haven’t seen my dad or his side of the family for many years, not for the same reasons admittedly, he was abusive to me and my siblings as children, I don’t know if I would want to put myself in a position where I’d have to be avoiding them all day, in a space where they’re the ‘main players’ iyswim. Actually no, I do know what I’d do, I wouldn’t go 😂

Original poster

NoraLuka · 10/04/2026 14:58

I wish I wanted to go in a way, but I’m worried about the judgement I’ll probably get. I’m not sure what’s worse in their eyes, marrying a Muslim, being divorced or living with a new partner with no intention of getting married 😂 I do get on with one of my aunts and at least one of my cousins, the others I haven’t seen for so long I’m not sure I’d recognise them.

If I did go I would need to look fabulous though. That would require quite a lot of effort and then I’d feel hypocritical because it would be like seeking their approval and I don’t need that.

OP posts:

ModestlyPrudent · 10/04/2026 14:59

@NoraLuka would you still have been invited if you were still married to exH?

If no, then don’t bother.
If yes, and it’s an olive branch, then go.

catipuss · 10/04/2026 15:10

Go, it might be fun and a good excuse to glam up. If they want to do the invites 'proper' that's up to them, probably trying to look posher than they are, but why not it's a wedding.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/04/2026 15:10

If I did go I would need to look fabulous though. That would require quite a lot of effort and then I’d feel hypocritical because it would be like seeking their approval and I don’t need that.

I'd be making every effort to look fabulous in a ff you sort of way. But if I thought I'd spend the day having sneery comments made in my direction then sod that, who needs it.

It is very odd that you are invited if the cousin was a small child so is this the sort of wedding that is likely to be super smart and small 80-150 people or super smart and 200-300 people where realistically your attendance or not will be noted by the relevant aunt as some sort of respectful acknowledgement but you won't really see them beyond a short interaction.

luckylavender · 10/04/2026 15:13

NoraLuka · 10/04/2026 14:38

I received a wedding invitation a while ago and the RSVP date is coming up so need to reply.

I want to say no because it says “Mrs John Smith and Mrs Bob Jones have the pleasure of inviting you to…” These are the B&G’s mothers, their first names are not John and Bob.

Also, it seems like a very posh do and I’m afraid me and DP might stand out and not in a good way. This isn’t any kind of reverse snobbery, just being objective.

Also (this might be the most relevant part) I haven’t really seen any of my extended family for 20ish years, since they disapproved of ExH for racist/cultural/religious reasons. I’ve built up my life without them and although I’m sorry for how things are I didn’t really have a choice back then.

So my AIBU is:

YABU: go to the wedding, build bridges, etc. Cousin getting married was a young child and had no influence on her parents, aunts and uncles reaction to ExH.

YANBU: stay home, you’re doing ok as you are. No need for any bridge building.

That's just the way wedding invites are worded formally. You may think it's old fashioned and it's certainly not seen as much now, but it's etiquette

BruFord · 10/04/2026 16:16

As other have said, it depends whether you want to build bridges, less perhaps with the older generations, but do you want to get to know your cousins, for example, who weren't involved in the nastiness?

I've only got to know my first cousins in recent years (I'm 51) and it's lovely. My Dad and his siblings were always falling out so we barely knew each other growing up as someone was always not talking to someone else, bad atmospheres at family gathering, etc. etc.

None of us want to continue that toxic cycle and they're really nice people.

LastHotel · 10/04/2026 16:35

I would go if you want to build some bridges.
Nothing wrong with the wording of the invite. That’s traditional.

JustGiveMeReason · 10/04/2026 16:43

I want to say no because it says “Mrs John Smith and Mrs Bob Jones have the pleasure of inviting you to…” These are the B&G’s mothers, their first names are not John and Bob.

You would be totally and completely ridiculous to not go for THIS reason.

Also, it seems like a very posh do and I’m afraid me and DP might stand out and not in a good way. This isn’t any kind of reverse snobbery, just being objective.

Ywould also BU to not go for this reason.
The wouldn't invite you if they didn't want you there. As long as you make the effort to dress up, I'm pretty sure no-one will notice whatever it is that you think will make you stand out.

Also (this might be the most relevant part) I haven’t really seen any of my extended family for 20ish years, since they disapproved of ExH for racist/cultural/religious reasons. I’ve built up my life without them and although I’m sorry for how things are I didn’t really have a choice back then.

This is the only actual valid reason for there being any dilemma.
It is up to you of course, but if you have missed having an extended family around you then this seems like a good time to start building those bridges. As you say, the cousin had nothing to do with the way you were treated then and it is she that has invited you. OTOH, if the rest of the family are racist, Islamophobes, do you particularly want to reconnect with them all or would you be better off finding your 'community' with like minded friends? After all, you can choose your friends, but not your family.

Endofyear · 10/04/2026 17:24

If you don't want to go, don't go. It's an invitation and it's fine to decline.

ThatWaryLimePeer · 10/04/2026 17:31

I would but I’d go as myself not a really dressed up or not to true to mysel version of me. Obviously I’d try and look nice but I wouldn’t go seeking approval.

Coka · 10/04/2026 17:32

Are they only inviting you/making an effort now that you have divorced ExH? How long have you been divorced?

AgnesMcDoo · 10/04/2026 17:32

It’s an invite not a summons so you can always decline.

But it might be nice to take the opportunity to reconnect. Consider it an olive branch?

OCDmama · 10/04/2026 18:38

They've worded the invite in the traditional way - it's not necessarily Uber posh, I've received a couple like this.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/04/2026 19:29

NoraLuka · 10/04/2026 14:58

I wish I wanted to go in a way, but I’m worried about the judgement I’ll probably get. I’m not sure what’s worse in their eyes, marrying a Muslim, being divorced or living with a new partner with no intention of getting married 😂 I do get on with one of my aunts and at least one of my cousins, the others I haven’t seen for so long I’m not sure I’d recognise them.

If I did go I would need to look fabulous though. That would require quite a lot of effort and then I’d feel hypocritical because it would be like seeking their approval and I don’t need that.

If they are racists which is why they objected to you marrying a Muslim, I wouldn't bother attending. They seem judgemental in lots of ways so I doubt that the wedding will be much fun for you.

ThatWaryLimePeer · 11/04/2026 14:39

OCDmama · 10/04/2026 18:38

They've worded the invite in the traditional way - it's not necessarily Uber posh, I've received a couple like this.

I thought the traditional way was from the bride’s parents.

Strugglingforanamechange · 13/04/2026 14:31

I wouldn’t go personally.
I am very close to my family BUT if I had managed for 20 years without a relationship with them then I certainly wouldn’t want to attend a family event after all that time.
Unless, of course, you do actually WANT them in your life? Do you?

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 13/04/2026 14:35

Maybe this is their attempt at an olive branch?

Nimonion · 13/04/2026 14:41

They didn’t approve of your husband who is now your ex. For me it would depend on whether they disapproved simply because they’re racist, or they disapproved because they thought he wasn’t a good person and they were proven right.

toomuchfaff · 13/04/2026 14:48

A wedding is a wedding; not a bridge building event.

If you're going to go; then go, but dont go to start building bridges, go because you want to see the cousin get married and share their joy.