AIBU to feel disappointed my parents forgot my surgery?

[MediumChicken]

Last week I had surgery. My parents completely forgot (and are now pretending they didn't). AIBU to be disappointed? Normally we would send the other a message in the morning wishing the other well.

Thanks for some of you who voted. I'd be interested why some think I'm being unreasonable.

I know I'm not the centre of their worlds, I just think of me having offered to travel hours to stay with my parents to look after my mother after she had surgery. I did travel hours to visit my father when he had surgery. I was also quite anxious about my surgery, so felt like good wishes were the least you'd hope for from parents. I guess I just won't bother telling them when I have the next surgery in three months. There's always been a lot expected of me (eldest child thing) but it only goes one way. I have enough on my plate, so time to get a bit more distance and less responsibility for extended family myself.

Yes, it’s natural to feel disappointed but shit happens. It’s a shame they haven’t owned it and apologised. Pretending they didn’t forget is probably making things worse. Anyway, don’t dwell on it, instead concentrate on your recovery. 🌺

Yeah, if they'd been, "Oops, forgot that was today." It would have felt a lot different. Then I'd probably have just said, "Oh well, they're human." Instead I got a text that night about my mother's new plants doing well. It was obvious they'd forgotten or they'd have said, "Hope it went well today."

I can’t imagine my mum forgetting I was having surgery. But if she did, she definitely would have felt bad and apologised.

Perhas this is your message to drop that rope if you are too involved.
People can forget things, its human.
But if there is a pattern of onside expectations etc., time to just pull back and match their energy.

There is a pattern of 'if we pretend there isn't a problem, there isn't' sweeping things under the rug. It wouldn't have been an issue at all if they'd just said, "Oh, that was today. So sorry, I totally lost track of the day." It happens. It's more that it carries a sense of, "Oh, I forgot, how awkward, we'll just ignore it and hope she doesn't realise we forgot" - which they obviously did.

Did you have no communication with them in the time?

There is a pattern of 'if we pretend there isn't a problem, there isn't' sweeping things under the rug.

well, there we go then

Was it open heart or minor day surgery, eg remove a mole ? If the latter I think it’s understandable

I hope you’re well / recovering! 💐
yes this hurts.

It was a full general anesthetic with a two week recovery time from the surgery. Not major but not minor either.

From the time I got into my gown to the time I was released, I didn't have my phone on me to communicate. I'd communicated about it during the lead up and told them when it was.

So what did they say when you told them you’d had the surgery? Were they apologetic?

im surprised they forgot such a big deal. that’s not like a mum. they usually remember everything medical about their children.

although as we get older menopause affects our memory, perhaps they meant to write it on the calendar, got distracted and forgot, thinking im sure there’s something i need to write down but what could it be…...

if it’s a new development in forgetting i’d give them a chance to redeem themselves by telling them the week before to “remember it’s my op next week on Monday” or whatever, and remind them again the day prior that you “will be in xyz hospital” and dates etc and see how they do this time.

if they dont seem concerned i’d ask why. if you dont pull people up for stuff at the time, they can’t learn from it. if they dont care thats a different story.

When was the previous time you had spoken about the surgery and the date of it?

Very bad form from your parents. I’d be worried about my dc having surgery. I’d be wishing them well on the morning of the op then checking in after at the very least. It blows my mind that they forgot!.

im sorry op I’m an eldest child too. We are supposed to just look after ourselves aren’t we lol. I hope your recovery is going well xx

I’d be disappointed too but didn’t you remind them? I’d have said the day before my surgery is tomorrow.

As someone who also has had surgery recently ( full anaesthetic also) I understand why you’re hurt. It’s very daunting when you’re putting on the gown and signing your approval after being informed of the risks. Only those who have experienced that will know what that feels like. It does sound like your parents forgot, otherwise theyd have been anxious about your surgery and needing to know once you were in recovery and doing ok. Are there any memory issues with them I wonder? Or are they completely self absorbed? I think I’d be terribly hurt realising that I’m not a priority for them and I’d pull back,

I just had to check. They said, "Glad you had a chance to recover after." And that was that. They had clearly forgotten.

To answer other questions. I talked to my mother about it during the weekend but she didn't sound that interested then. They had been sent the date and told I was preparing for it. Maybe they underestimated it or something. I don't know.

My mother is 70. Well past menopause and still perfectly sharp. Menopause is my area these days. :-)

Thank you for the good wishes on this thread. Makes me feel a little more seen.

They are becoming more self-absorbed. I think it comes from sitting around home most of the time. Maybe their world has just got smaller. There are no memory issues.

I hope you're recovering well too.

It sounds like they have you a shame response. Deflect it onto you and lie. What probably has upset you is that they haven’t said sorry and repaired their mistake.
if it sticks with you, talk to them about it. Say that it has made it worse that they haven’t acknowledged they messed up and said sorry. Just say that that really hurt. Then leave it as they may come back with another shame response saying you’re too sensitive , over reacting etc. some people don’t repair situations and that’s not healthy.

I’d be hurt as well OP. I have adult children and I’d be horrified if I forgot something so important that they were going through.

Is this out of character for your parents? How old are they?

That's exactly what they'd come back with. If they'd just said, "Oh sorry, totally forgot that was today." Then I wouldn't have felt so let down. They are human and I can overlook them forgetting, but at least be honest about it.

They're 70 and very sharp. No memory issues.