AIBU to feel disappointed my parents forgot my surgery?

[MediumChicken]

Last week I had surgery. My parents completely forgot (and are now pretending they didn't). AIBU to be disappointed? Normally we would send the other a message in the morning wishing the other well.

The unreasonable vote bit is you getting all martyrish by saying you won't ever tell them again.

I guess so. I guess I just can't be disappointed then. Obviously it's taken more than one event to get to that.

Let's just say my mother in particular tends to be quite dismissive of any support needs I might have. She's been that way since the day I was born though. Feelings were always wrong or silly or not that bad. Except for hers. She has all the feels and everyone better know it. It is unusual for her to not acknowledge a surgery though.

I think it's the catalyst event for just backing off a bit. Not to punish her, just to practice the emotional self-sufficiency I've always had to have.

I wouldn’t even tell my mother about the surgery. I like to keep things like that private. It wasn’t major surgery so it wouldn’t bother me

Get well soon OP.
More importantly, don't fester on this. You're currently recovering and your DM has always been this way, not a great time to stress yourself over it.

The may be becoming more forgetful but not wanting to admit to it.
I've forgotten important dates I'd reminded myself not to forget, these things happen.

Focus on healing for now.

You're right. I think it's less the forgetting (that's human) and more than glossing over it that's the issue.

I do wonder if part of it is that they have realised that myself and my sibling aren't going to be as available as they wanted to do the amount of care for them they want in the future. They may have pulled away more into their bubble over that. I've tried suggesting they move closer so I can help them more, but they have made their choices.

Their memories won’t be what they once were. Hell I’m 46 and my memory isn’t what it once was!! I saw my friend last Tuesday and she mentioned she had a consultant appt the following day. Normally I would have messaged later the following day to check in on her. I completely forgot until she messaged me later in the week to wish me a happy Easter!!!!

I’m the youngest of two and I’m supposed to just look after myself! My eldest sister gets full-support (and no there’s no disability or anything). They just expect more from me, than her.

OP it’s very hurtful of them, but you’ve now realised it’s one-sided (it took me way too long to work this out in my case), but see it as a touch of freedom from some responsibility to be at their beck and call, as you no longer have to be. Match their energy - then you can’t be disappointed in the future.

Yes, I did. My mother didn't seem that interested, TBH.

If I forgot one of my kids was having surgery I would go get a mental status assessment, because that just would not happen unless something was very wrong.

I would be worrying the entire time.

Your parents are way out of the norm.

I hope you're recovering well.

Gallbladder? I sort of feel like yabu because anyone can forget but then my sister had gallbladder surgery a few months ago and my other siblings and I were on the family group chat waiting for her to message to say she was round from the anesthetic etc.

Some people are just self-absorbed. I hope you are feeling better, OP. When I disclosed CSA to my mother in my 50s, she changed the subject to someone she’d met precisely once who had died by suicide. That’s the kind of suffering she likes — nothing that makes her feel bad.

Didn't see the previous response.
Thanks for being there. I just needed to talk to someone about it this morning. I feel much better about it and can put it all behind me now.

There is a pattern there.
Time to focus on yourself and match their energy.

Reminds me of a very close old friend of mine who is a nurse.
She had absolutely zero empathy or sympathy for anyone going through any illness but heaven forbid people not be sympathetic towards her if ill.
When the penny dropped I backed far away many years ago.
She's still the same.
And wonders why her children don't visit.

Was it an elective surgery? Sorry they weren’t there for you when you needed them. Having surgery and recovering afterwards can be so hard mentally and emotionally. I hope they’ve dialled up the support now while you’re in recovery.

I avoid anything medical if I have the choice. I suppose I could have not done it but it really was sensible for my health. One of those times where you just do it for your own good and because it could be for the worse if you don't. I had fibroids removed. They did ask this evening if I was feeling okay now, so that's something.

YANBU. My parents are similar and it took me marrying DH and working in NHS to realise that this is not the norm and that families DO actually care for each other.

They never lifted a finger after my brother’s cancer surgery (parents owned a van but SIL’s dad and her terminally ill mother helped them move house in the week after his surgery instead). When I escaped DV from abroad they didn’t even meet me at the airport, let alone offer to use said van to help me and DC move - despite regularly driving it to their holiday house in a neighbouring country.

Hence I’m very ambivalent about helping my mother in her old age, harsh as it might sound.

OP, that is so hurtful. I cannot imagine forgetting one of my DC was having surgery. In fact DS1 ( who lives abroad`)had a gall bladder removal op a few months ago, and DH & I went over there to take him to the hospital, pick him afterwards, and look after him for the next few days. I think having a general anaesthetic is quite scary, and support from family is vital. I hope you did have someone with you, or on hand to make sure you were OK after.

My dad has the memory of a goldfish (always has) to the point he forgot to tell my mum I had passed my GCSEs….

I went into surgery and he was going to pick me up when I called at lunch time
by 2pm he had called the hospital (bearing in mind I hadn’t told him what ward or anything and it’s not his local)
I came out of theatre at 6pm and they told me he had called every hour to check if I was ok as he was so worried

I would be really disappointed that they forgot something like that