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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my dad to babysit?

31 replies

Martiniolives · 09/04/2026 21:57

My mum and dad sometimes offer to baby sit my 15 month old but the idea makes my stomach knot up.

My dad wasnt weird with me as a kid directly (well, he did weird stuff like watch porn om the laptop in communal areas and come into the bathroom when id be in the bath..). But he never molested me or anything. But as i got older, when i was an adult, weird things would happen. Hed touch my bum after rubbing my back or hugging me. He introduced me to a friend and they both made it very clear theyd been discussing me and my looks prior. Recently i stayed with my parents and he was in the guest room so when i walked in in a towel post shower he was there. He apologised but he knew so?

I havent ever told anyone this not even my husband as im scared it would ruin our family and i suppose i dont want to even think about it. But your dad touching your bum while youre going through a traumatic event (my dog just died he met us at the vets)... thats not on is it?

Anyway, sorry im venting now. That was many years ago and i have a daughter now. I should never ever leave her with him right? I dont know how to broach this. My nephews love him and are often with him and he never seems to act weird but.. it gets my heckles up and my stomach starts to hurt. I dont know.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 09/04/2026 22:01

I would trust your instincts. Unfortunately i am a survivor of csa and never left my dd alone with my stepdad but my sister left her girls with him because she believed he wouldn't touch them. She was wrong and luckily he died in prison.
A feeling is enough you don't have to vocalise it just make an excuse.

Pinkflamingo10 · 09/04/2026 22:06

I’m sorry this happened to you.
Trust your instincts here and keep your children away from him. Your children’s safety is your top priority, and you don’t have to justify your choice to anyone.

ModestlyPrudent · 09/04/2026 22:10

Absolutely don’t risk it. As a parent your number 1 priority is to keep your DC safe. Whether he would or wouldn’t is irrelevant now, you have your concerns and that’s enough to never leave your DC with him.

Ilovecheeseyah · 09/04/2026 22:12

Trust your intuition. It is sadly spot on.
all the best and let us know how you go. Big love to you

Bunnybackinherwarren · 09/04/2026 22:13

I would make sure df never saw your dc again .. Dc get abused in plain sight ime.
Your dm didn't notice his behaviour around you. She wouldn't now would she?
Yabu not to be sharing your worries with your dh.

Credittocress · 09/04/2026 22:14

You sound very brave. Trust your gut. I wouldn’t let your mum babysit either, she didn’t protect you when you needed it.

carrotcake1234 · 09/04/2026 22:16

Trust your instincts please. I had very similar experiences with my father and could have almost written your post myself but he was also a very loving dad so I felt conflicted and excused alot of behaviours. He then went on years and years later to abuse my son and I will never forgive myself for not trusting my gut. Please please learn from my mistake x

LizandDerekGoals · 09/04/2026 22:16

Credittocress · 09/04/2026 22:14

You sound very brave. Trust your gut. I wouldn’t let your mum babysit either, she didn’t protect you when you needed it.

This.

Pinkgin00 · 09/04/2026 22:16

Trust your instincts they are spot on, your dads behaviour is very inappropriate. This must be really difficult, can you not open up to your husband about this?

WhatNextImScared · 09/04/2026 22:17

Credittocress · 09/04/2026 22:14

You sound very brave. Trust your gut. I wouldn’t let your mum babysit either, she didn’t protect you when you needed it.

This is what I was going to say.

Original poster
Martiniolives · 09/04/2026 22:18

Bunnybackinherwarren · 09/04/2026 22:13

I would make sure df never saw your dc again .. Dc get abused in plain sight ime.
Your dm didn't notice his behaviour around you. She wouldn't now would she?
Yabu not to be sharing your worries with your dh.

No. Shes a raging narc

Re the last part. I know. But how? How do i tell him. Hed never want to see the man again, the fallout would be awful. But i know i should. After our dog died and he did that i was pretty catatonic for weeks, i wrote out a letter to him (dh) but never gave it to him in the end. Had nightmares, said i needed therapy. But we moved house shortly after and i never did. I did what i always do and just swalloed it all down, bottled it up until it hurt less

OP posts:
Original poster
Martiniolives · 09/04/2026 22:19

carrotcake1234 · 09/04/2026 22:16

Trust your instincts please. I had very similar experiences with my father and could have almost written your post myself but he was also a very loving dad so I felt conflicted and excused alot of behaviours. He then went on years and years later to abuse my son and I will never forgive myself for not trusting my gut. Please please learn from my mistake x

Im so so sorry

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/04/2026 22:22

If DH asks, just day your don't feel comfortable with your dad babysitting. It also means you can't leave baby with your mum and considering what you've said about her.. you wouldn't want to.

JLou08 · 09/04/2026 22:30

Watching porn in front of children is sexual abuse. So is touching your bum, you could try and dress that as accidental touch but with all the other stuff, I very much doubt it was. You're right to not have him babysit your child. I'd reduce their contact too (well I'd completely cut contact but you may not be ready for that) as when your DC gets older your father could find ways to be alone with them.

Credittocress · 09/04/2026 22:35

I think you do need to tell your DH. What would happen if there was an emergency and he rang your parents thinking they could help with childcare for example.

I wonder if this is something you could speak to your GP about. Book a double appointment, speak with them privately and say you need to tell your DH to protect your child and can they support through the conversation?

Shypinkpiggypants · 09/04/2026 22:53

Credittocress · 09/04/2026 22:35

I think you do need to tell your DH. What would happen if there was an emergency and he rang your parents thinking they could help with childcare for example.

I wonder if this is something you could speak to your GP about. Book a double appointment, speak with them privately and say you need to tell your DH to protect your child and can they support through the conversation?

Please tell your DH incase your dad manufactures a reason to be alone with your child and your DH isn’t aware .
Your child is your priority. You have to protect them.

I have also had my dad slap my bum.
It turns my stomach. I have had some moments I have tried to bury but he made me uncomfortable. I would never ever leave him
with my children without me.

Your mum may leave him alone with your child while they babysit …. Please please talk to your DH. Do this for your child.

Fontet · 09/04/2026 23:39

Tell your husband immediately….talk to your Mum…..protect your daughter and also your own wellbeing….trust your gut! Bless you and please take care of yourself and your daughter x

snowibunni · 10/04/2026 01:37

Talk to your husband, but don't speak your mum about it. She's not going to agree with what you feel/ say - she will change the narrative - it will all be in your imagination .

Don't leave your daughter with him ( or your mum). Be wary about her being jiggled up and down on his knee, tickled, play fights etc.

Teach you DD body autonomy, the correct names for body parts, that she doesn't have to accept touch/cuddles etc.

Creamyes · 10/04/2026 05:14

You poor woman.
No absolutely never allow babysitting.
Why are they both still in your life?

Move, cut them off.
Being around them is so bad for you.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/04/2026 06:27

You lose absolutely nothing by cutting your parents off. Your mum is a raging narc and your dad touches you sexually. They should never be around your child, even with you and your husband being present, never mind babysitting. The pair of them are utterly disgusting and repulsive.

Imagine never having to be in their company again. It will be such a weight lifted off your shoulders. If they try and make things difficult for you, you can threaten to go to the police because incest is a crime.

Original poster
Martiniolives · 10/04/2026 08:20

Creamyes · 10/04/2026 05:14

You poor woman.
No absolutely never allow babysitting.
Why are they both still in your life?

Move, cut them off.
Being around them is so bad for you.

I actually moved hours away and then they did too. Said they liked the area and now theyre one road over

OP posts:
Bunnybackinherwarren · 10/04/2026 10:51

Tell your dh. Let him take the reins in keeping your family away from your df...
If you aren't brave enough I bet your dh is.

Bunnybackinherwarren · 10/04/2026 10:52

Alarm bells that they followed your moving. Wonder who's idea that was?

L0V315 · 10/04/2026 11:29

Martiniolives you need support, tell your dh and protect your child.

I am so sorry that you have gone through sexual abuse from your father. Now you must put yourself, your child and your dh first. You will probably need to go no contact with both of your parents and find a therapist that can hold a safe space for you whilst you do this.

💐

Thundertoast · 10/04/2026 11:38

No advice, just wanted to say im so sorry this happened to you, and hope one day you find peace away from these awful people. No normal father would behave that way, what happened to you wasnt right.

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