AIBU to expect my partner to help in the mornings with toddler?

[Angelagall15]

Does everyone’s partner get up with them in the morning when your baby/child wakes for the day? Or is it only you? For context, we have a 18 month old, and I have done every bedtime, night wake, and morning and pretty much everything else since she was born to be honest and he lies in every single day until about 11.30/12, he won’t wake regardless if I try and wake him or ask him for a bit of help. Today has just broken me as I was up all night with an unwell toddler and in the morning I got up and said can you get up with us as I’ve been up all night to help out, and he didn’t, proceeded to lay in till 12, and I got told to shut up. I’ve spoken to him about this so many times, given him chances and the space to change, alongside breaking down in front of him so many times because it’s draining me so much and I’m trying to be the best mum I can but this is wearing me down.
I’m a sahm which we both decided, I never ask him to wake on his days he works, he works 3-12, 5 days on and 6 off, and I know these are late shifts but he just lies in bed until late everyday he’s off and I am burning out doing it all. We don’t have any other support so he’s my only relief if you have it and I’m not getting any. I feel like he chimes in and plays the “ fun dad “ when it suits him and isn’t overly present in other ways.
Am I expecting too much, or is this common?

My niece’s DH works similar shifts and he is a brilliant Dad. He’s up with them on his non work days and gives her a rest - she works as well.

Yours is useless- but you’ve made yourself very vulnerable by giving up work. Try to get back into work and sort out childcare.

Bin this waste man. You sound more than capable to parent on your own. You don't need this layabout.

It's never a good idea to be financially dependent on a boyfriend, you have no legal protections or marriage and he probably isn't paying in to your pension?
The man is pointless, plan your future of peace and freedom.
Who owns the house?

(sorry, that's meant to say no legal protection of marriage, too late to edit now)

Give him a choice - he either gets up and starts pulling his weight or he can look after his child alone for 50% of the time when you separate.

I’ve left my DH because he was so unsupportive from the moment my waters broke (among other things less related to baby). I now have less work, less stress, and less disappointment - and all the more emotional capacity for my baby. I have a feeling that like me you’d only have things to gain if you left him. 💜

Do you actually want to be with someone who doesnt want to do any of the actual parenting work of being a parent and only wants to do the fun stuff? If your best friend started dating a man who had a child and was like this, would you think he was a good dad?

Well then yes he should be getting up and helping. Did he want a child or did he always think it would be you doing the care for them? Was he like this before?

On working days he should be up with enough time to give you a break before he leaves and to spend a bit of time with his child…. Does he not want to play with them?

on non-working days he should absolutely be getting up with them some days to give you a lie in, and up with you both some days to spend time as a family. Maybe some chill mornings too.

does he spend any time parenting and enjoying time with his child?

I’d get a job and either use nursery or work on his days off. It’s risky being financially dependent on a selfish man like this.

He’s a lazy arsehole because he can get away with it as he’s the one earning the money.

He’s not going to change.

Go back to work as soon as you can- any job- and make a plan to leave him.

As many have said, this won't change OP.

You are a SAHM and he seems to be holding your feet to the fire on that. In his world that means you do everything. He doesn't 'help' because he sees childcare as your sole responsibility.

You have to decide if you will accept this or go it alone. He probably won't step up with childcare if you split up either. If he's not interested now, he won't be afterwards.

What is your financial position?

You need to reframe, it’s not helping it’s parenting. How much parenting does he do? What work around the house?

With his job, I can see the need for the late wake ups but he needs to be helping everywhere else, and on his 6 days off he needs to be getting up earlier. It's not acceptable at all.

My husband gets up before me, changes our toddler's nappy and gets her breakfsst sorted whilst I shower, then we swap over so he can shower. On days he is in the office, he showers first. At weekends we take it in turns to have an extra hour of sleep.

Bedtimes are mostly me as I still feed to sleep (yes I know) but he does all the night wakings, 50% of bath/book time.

He also takes days off to have daddy daughter time and allow me to have solo time.

You and your husband should be a team. At the moment he isn't contributing anywhere near as much as he should. A frank discussion is needed - if you were to split up and he had your child for 50% of the time, he'd have to do so much more than he is now. Either he does it with you, or without you.

He’s a lazy bastard and you’re enabling him.

Yanbu op

My ex only ever got up twice in the night and took every opportunity to lie in after I'd got up before dawn some days to entertain the DC. Even on Christmas day. He'd also book days off work and insist I was to pretend he wasn't home so he could use his free time as he wanted (whilst I was a sahm and got zero free time).

We split up when youngest was just 3. Parenting solo on his weekends was a shock, and this soon dwindled to 2 visits a year....

When mine were little I did mornings as dh left at 6 but bedtimes were dhs responsibility (when I did night feeds ) and shared when dc got older. We also get a lay in each at weekend. I was a sahp when dc were toddlers.

What do you get out of the relationship with this arsehole?

why would you want to bring you child up to think that how you are treated is ok?

Get yourself a job and then get your ducks in a row. You, and your daughter, deserve much much more.

Another one of these men that thinks agreeing to you being a SAHM means he gets a 24 hour maid and nanny and never has to parent himself. Leave him and go back to work. He has shown you who he is.

Op, why do you have to ask if it’s reasonable for a parent to equally parent with the other parent when they’re off for 6 days in a row every two weeks?

you know it is. You know he has been an awful parent from day 1. Selfish, disrespectful, lazy, pathetic, awful role model, mean etc etc

i would rather be single. It’ll be better for your child to not grow up thinking this is normal too.

Of course he should be getting up on his 6 days off, but not with you, but instead of you, letting you have a lie in. It sounds like he does very little in the way of parenting. Let’s face it, he will not change. He sees you exhausted from parenting, and what does he do to help? Absolutely nothing. Raise your standards and get rid of this loser from your life.

Also 45 hours of work every 11 days is part time.

What about for the 6 days in a row he has off work?

HE'S NOT "HELPING". It's his child! I am begging you to please go back to work if you're not married, he could walk out tomorrow and you'd have nothing. NO one should ever be a SAHM unless married, it's so financially risky.. We both work full time so childcare split equally, as it should be. Get a job and get out of this relationship, it'll probably make your life easier.

And this is why it is easier being a single parent - not having to deal with shit dads like this