How often do I allow dd to have her bf over?

[healingqueen]

hoping to get more responses by making this post a bit shorter

i have posted before about dd, and i need some outsider opinions on whether i’ve let too much slide. If you know the story fast forward to the end if you want

As soon as dd met her bf, was instantly a different child, she stopped handing in homework, her attitude towards school changed and she was getting detentions for rudeness, she was truanting lessons with her bf and she skipped school a few times (she got the bus so she’d leave as normal but didn’t go). She came home having smoked weed with him the once she was 14 and i wasn’t happy . We weren’t getting along and after an argument dd went to live with her dad where she got more freedom due to his work schedule and was able to invite the bf over whenever. She was living with him for about 6 months and only moved back in after she found our she was pregnant and she was adamant she wanted to keep the baby from the off. Social services aren't involved and never have been

The bf doesn't have a good home life, he lives with his dad and brothers (his mum is still alibe though) he often says his dad doesn't care about where he is or what he does. He isn’t someone I can have a conversation with. I did when i told him that dd was pregnant and he basically said how did he know his son was the dad and called her a slag, none of his family have met baby. They’d constantly break up/get back together after him saying he’ll change etc, dd caught him out in a lie whilst she was pregnant and that was the final straw and he didn’t like he’d been caught out or broken up with and he kept waiting for dd at hee bus stop etc and got his friends involved too. in the end dd blocked him and they had no contact until jan.

He was at the birth alongside dd’s dad ans baby is now nearly 8 weeks old. i allow him to come over and i have been allowing him to sleepover, my friend thinfs this is unreasonable but i don’t know how to handle this. I don’t want to push dd away. I have spoken to her a few days ago and she has admitted they’re back together (which im not super pleased about) but has said she doesn’t “forgive” him and he knows that and he said he’s willing to prove he’s changed, he’s talking about finding a job when he’s 15 in a few weeks though i don’t know how successful that will be.

She’s said they’re not having sex but shut down all contraception talk, she recently had her 6 weeks old check though so i hope they would’ve spoken about it there.

How often would you allow him to come over? And is it U to allow him to sleep over? I’m trying to navigate this without pushing her away and i don’t know what to do for the best as whatever i do feels like it’s wrong.

Crikey, this is a bit of a pickle isn't it OP?
As they've already had a baby, my initial thoughts were that not letting the boyfriend stay over is a bit like slamming shut the stable doors once the horse has bolted BUT, your daughter is still very young (I'm assuming 15?) and obviously, you want to protect her from what could be a toxic relationship...how does the boyfriend treat your daughter and their baby now that he is a dad?

I'm struggling to understand why Social Services arent involved. She is a child with a child.

I would not be allowing a 14yr old to sleep over at all. Even if they do have a baby. You need to speak to your DD about contraception and not just hope that the GP did, or she will be having a second teen pregnancy. Boyfriend can visit during the day, he doesn’t need to stay overnight.

If there is a stable home life, SS do not need to be involved. A friend of mine's daughter got pregnant at 15, had the baby and lived at home. The home was safe, my friend and her hubby helped their daughter out and the baby was loved and well cared for :-)

So you think they won't have sex during the day if they want to? My friends daughter got pregnant at 15 and she never spent a night with her boyfriend! They used to do it during the day when they were "watching films" in her room.
The only way to stop them sleeping together is to supervise them at all times really.

I wouldn’t tolerate the shutting down contraceptives talk. She’s living with you and you are funding everything. I’d set basic ground rules including her being on long term contraception. There’s another poster on here who ended up with her teen dc pregnant again. I’d say he can visit in communal areas but no sleep overs at 14 or 15.
Can dd get support via any teen mum and baby initiatives or groups.

I think you and your DDs dad need to be on the same page with whatever you decide is acceptable. If you put rules in place she doesn't like, she needs to not have a 'better option' at her dad's.

If your DD and her BF want to have sex they will, outside of your hone, possibly in risky situations. So IMO letting the BF sleep over is irrelevant. They have had sex, they will have sex again. The important thing here is contraception, ideally long lasting like the implant, plus condoms since God knows if he's loyal to her.

My advice is to give her permission while she still thinks it's yours to give. If she won't listen to your advice around contraception, your bargaining chip to get her infront of a GP or nurse with the advice and solutions, is your permission and acceptance of her relationship as it stands in whatever form she wants it to be.

This will also allow you to maintain a good relationship with her to keep her safe and support her through a very difficult adolescence

This is all round great advice OP 👏

I don't know what country you live in but I would have thought that the fact children of 14 were having sex, let alone having a baby, should be of interest to social services because of the fact they are children and there is a legal age of consent.

I can’t really understand why you’d let him sleepover, they’re 14, it’s not okay.

Unless you want another grandchild?!

Id allow supervised contact once a week if this was my 14yo dd.

What happened to your other identical thread from a couple of weeks ago OP?

Totally see your point about their ages etc. I'm in the UK. I can only go off my friends experience really, she, her daughter, the boyfriend and his dad all had a "meeting" with what may well have been SS (I can't remember the specific organisation as it was over 10 years ago at the very beginning to discuss how they planned to manage the situation - everyone seemed satisfied with the answers during the meeting…and that was it!

For me the overnights aren't about sex. Teens will have sex anytime and anywhere, as we all know. Where there's a will there's a way.

The overnight stays to me is about letting a 14 year old have such a serious relationship. She is already responsible for a baby at 14 but that doesn't mean she should be thrown into adult relationship status with him too.

Also given you are housing his baby why should you also provide a roof for him even one night a week too?! I'd not even be letting him stay for tea, never mind staying over FFS.

I'm curious how her Disney dad feels now she's ended up having a baby. Would he let her go stomping off to his again if you said no overnights?? Or would he now be more on the same page?

OP she NEEDS contraception. They WILL be having sex. 🤦 Maybe you could ask the HV to come talk to her? She is still a child at 14. It's sad she's also now a mum too but she is still a child and personally I'd be expecting her to use some sort of long term contraception.

Social services aren't involved dd was spoken to to make sure she wasn't being coerced into keeping the baby and to make sure the sex was consensual and after that they had no concerns . they are under the age of consent but that wasn’t a red flag to them or anything as they’re the same age just about 3.5 months apart. She’s 15 and he’s 15 in a few weeks

When she got pregnant my ex hadn’t allowed any sleepovers but he was out of the house working long hours so say if he only got back at about 8pm she had plenty of time to have bf over even when she’d be at school all day

When he’s over he does help with baby more now he’s almost 8 weeks old and bigger . At first he wasn’t doing anothing but dd was also exclusively breastfeeding to begin witch so there wasn’t a lot for him to do with a tiny baby in fairness but now he’s a bit bigger he seems more comfortable holding him and he gives him bottles etc when he sleeps over he does do one of the feeds in the night. He treats dd ok and took her on a “date” to nandos recently (using gift cards from christmas apparently) i am worried about her having gotten back together with him after how he treated her but i know disproving of the relationship will only push her further away and i am glad she’s been honest with me even if she did shut the contraception conversation down. But also no matter if they’re together or now he is the dad and should be in his life whether i like it or not as even if he loses interest atleast dd can say she tried to keep a relationship going

Bring your daughter to a NHS sexual health clinic and get her contraception sorted immediately. Preferably something long acting like the implant that she won’t have to remember.
you cannot risk a second teen pregnancy.
even if you ban the boyfriend staying over they can have sex in the daytime unless you’re supervising your daughter 24/7 which isn’t possible.
is there a social worker or an NHS teen family health nurse looking after your daughter that you can ask for support

I think you need to actually parent your daughter unless you want baby no 2 making an appearance in 9 months. You've been too soft by far.

I do parent dd but it’s hard as she’s also a mum and I don’t want to push her away or anything

i want to keep our relationship open and not her be pushed closer to him like before

How can you push her away now? She’s got nowhere to go. And yes you absolutely do need to step up massively as a parent. To all your kids.

Suspect your dd is going to end up with several more kids over the next couple of years though

Why would they be if there are no safe guarding risks?

@healingqueen obviously they're still very much children and it's difficult to negotiate this. But no, I wouldn't be allowing him to stay. He's already called her a slag and probably having some influence over her. I would be putting stops on further influence but at the same time talking to her about how she sees the situation and being there for her and GD.

Teenage pregnancy isnt a new thing obviously its far from ideal ,but as long as the baby is being cared for what exactly do you expect social services to do?

Well i would dispute there were no safeguarding concerns.
From what OP has said her dd was out of control after she started her relationship
with this boy. She was having sex at 14. Perhaps if social services had been involved at that point the pregnancy might have been avoided. The age of consent is there for a reason. To protect children and if OP was unable to parent her child then perhaps timely intervention might have helped.
Given this is 2 children who are now parents to a new born baby then I also think there has got to be concerns over the welfare of the baby.

She does have somewhere to go. She could go to her dads like she has done before

Her dad also lives closer to this boy so she’d be even closer to him literally.

Wwll i aasume socisl services have done risk assesments ,and are not going off some random persons opnion.