How often do I allow dd to have her bf over?

[healingqueen]

hoping to get more responses by making this post a bit shorter

i have posted before about dd, and i need some outsider opinions on whether i’ve let too much slide. If you know the story fast forward to the end if you want

As soon as dd met her bf, was instantly a different child, she stopped handing in homework, her attitude towards school changed and she was getting detentions for rudeness, she was truanting lessons with her bf and she skipped school a few times (she got the bus so she’d leave as normal but didn’t go). She came home having smoked weed with him the once she was 14 and i wasn’t happy . We weren’t getting along and after an argument dd went to live with her dad where she got more freedom due to his work schedule and was able to invite the bf over whenever. She was living with him for about 6 months and only moved back in after she found our she was pregnant and she was adamant she wanted to keep the baby from the off. Social services aren't involved and never have been

The bf doesn't have a good home life, he lives with his dad and brothers (his mum is still alibe though) he often says his dad doesn't care about where he is or what he does. He isn’t someone I can have a conversation with. I did when i told him that dd was pregnant and he basically said how did he know his son was the dad and called her a slag, none of his family have met baby. They’d constantly break up/get back together after him saying he’ll change etc, dd caught him out in a lie whilst she was pregnant and that was the final straw and he didn’t like he’d been caught out or broken up with and he kept waiting for dd at hee bus stop etc and got his friends involved too. in the end dd blocked him and they had no contact until jan.

He was at the birth alongside dd’s dad ans baby is now nearly 8 weeks old. i allow him to come over and i have been allowing him to sleepover, my friend thinfs this is unreasonable but i don’t know how to handle this. I don’t want to push dd away. I have spoken to her a few days ago and she has admitted they’re back together (which im not super pleased about) but has said she doesn’t “forgive” him and he knows that and he said he’s willing to prove he’s changed, he’s talking about finding a job when he’s 15 in a few weeks though i don’t know how successful that will be.

She’s said they’re not having sex but shut down all contraception talk, she recently had her 6 weeks old check though so i hope they would’ve spoken about it there.

How often would you allow him to come over? And is it U to allow him to sleep over? I’m trying to navigate this without pushing her away and i don’t know what to do for the best as whatever i do feels like it’s wrong.

And will her dad be happy having a new born baby in the house? If so - fine. Her and the baby can go there. But if you have no boundaries, how the hell is she going to have any?

I didn’t know she was having sex until she got pregnant and neither did her dad

Social services wouldn’t have done anything or even got involved due to her behaviour theyre overstretched as it is. They have no concerns about her or her ability to care for her baby

@healingqueen is she still out of control though? Or do you think you have control on her and particularly her bf? He doesn't sound stable.

This 💯!

My sister had her first at 16, then another at 17. It was a nightmare for all of us! Do your parenting duty and don’t allow him to sleep over at all!

No, she’s sensible and shes focused on her baby

He probably would be happy for her to go and stay with him because as i said he works long hours but it’d be pushing her away and ruining our relationship again and she’d be closer to her bf.

@healingqueen so it sounds like you have no control over the bf but you would like that. But if you think he's bad news and your daughter doesn't then that means she possibly is out of your control, at least? What does her dad, your ex, think?

I don’t want control over her bf as he isn’t my child

dd isn’t out of control, in the past (before she was pregnant) she would constantly say i didnt understand etc but she now says that she doesn’t “forgive” him but he told her he’s going to prove he’s changed and that he’s going to find a job etc i don’t know if it’s just fantasy plus it’s hard for a 15yo to find a job as it is let alone one with his attitude. He doesn’t go to school anymore according to dd nothing happened like exclusions she has said that he’s said he just can’t be bothered.

my ex doesn’t see the problem but also he wasn’t here and didn’t see when dd was crying over her bf whilst she was pregnant after he and his friends were bullying here etc .

OP you had lots of answers last time you posted about this, what else do you expect people to be able to tell you?

Posters on my lther thread were basically just focused on contraception and said i needed to “get her on it” and i shouldn’t expect the doctors to talk to her as it’s my job (i didn’t say it was their job, i just said she’d had her 6 week check). I’ve since spoken to her and she’s shut the conversation down. I’m askinf how often i should allow him to come over because im at a loss whatever i do feels wrong

The contraceptiin thing IS really important though.

How often do yiu want him over? He is the babys dad after all

Why didn't you know though? She's your underage daughter FFS. She was FOURTEEN years old!!

You've already let her down so badly OP
I'm sorry, but you have. So has her dad btw, I'm not laying all the blame at your door as she has two parents, but she hasn't been parented at all by the sounds of things.

Please step up and be a parent. Of course two underage kids of the opposite sex shouldn't be having sleepovers. The reason why is glaringly obvious, surely.

And you really need to co-parent a bit better with your ex.

she recently had her 6 weeks old check though so i hope they would’ve spoken about it there.

Why don't you know what they said at the six week check? Why weren't you there with her?!

She's 15 years old.

I think you missed the point of my earlier post. Him staying over at whatever frequency is contingent on her being on contraception

As in a you saying to your DD "I understand that sex isn't something you're thinking about right now and I understand that you don't want to talk to me about the options. I also know that things sometimes just happen and people have sex without planning to. So if you're going to be spending time together you need to be on contraception. When you are, we can figure out how often he can stay over here together"

Never to stay! It’s too late to prevent baby 1 but it isn’t too late to prevent baby 2,3,4 etc…

Stop worrying about your relationship with her and start firm parenting. She’ll thank you in the long-run.

So you've got five of your own children, including a toddler, and now a grandchild.

With the boyfriend staying, that's seven children to feed.

How on earth do you afford it?

she wasn’t living with me at the time.

I agree with pp - staying over is making it a very serious relationship and I think you need to make it easier for your dd to know she doesn’t have to be with him and can manage without.
Stop trying to be her friend or worry about pushing her away. You have to be very firm about contraception and boundaries. If she doesn’t like it - tough. She’s nowhere else to go and in time she’ll mature and see your pov.

Very many parents don't know that their children are having sex, so I'm unsurprised that OP didn't and that alone isn't necessarily down to poor parenting. Too many parents leave contraceptive discussions until far too late.
I went to a selective girls' grammar and a fair few were having sex at 14 (with the teenage pregnancies to show for it).

And as for her 6 week check up, OP wouldn't automatically be permitted to be present anyway, as a general guide if the child is aged 13 or over their parent isn't automatically included (especially, but not exclusively, when it relates to sexual health).

A huge issue here is that the OP's ex appears to have non-issue with how his daughter has been treated.
If the baby's dad was serious about getting a job he would at the very least attend school. He sounds like a complete waste of space and yes OP get a health visitor or anyone to have strong words about contraception or you will have another grandchild before your toddler starts school. Not to be harsh but it's the reality.

Some of my school cohort who had babies very young have gone on to become grandmothers very young, the cycle just repeats, depressingly.

Id forget about bf and let dd deal with him. Id very much encourage her to focus on herself and the baby.

Does your local council run a young mums/teen parenting/healthy relationships programme?

It would be beneficial for dd to learn what a healthy relationship looks like.

She also needs a plan. Is she going to go back to school? Is there a mother and baby education unit near you? Can she access online learning to get maths and English qualifications?

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/family-nurse-partnership-programme

He should come over for a few hours after school or in the evening. On weekends he can come over for longer. Your daughter doesn’t have to be present. His main purpose for being in your home is to parent.

he doesn’t need to spend the night. He doesn’t need to sit around and socialize. He should be coming over and watching his child while the mother gets a shower. He should do the baby’s laundry. He can play with his child, change diapers, give a bath.

while at that age there is still plenty of parenting work to do, I would not let him stay overnight. That will have to be your daughter’s shift.

the problem isn’t if they have sex. They are going to have sex. The problem is if you create the illusion of a real, adult relationship.

Right now they aren’t even fully parents as someone else is providing the home and paying the bills. They feel grown up, but they are not remotely responsible adults. If you treat them like they are in an adult relationship it won’t help them navigate this mess.

So? You're still have parental responsibility

He shouldn’t be staying over at all, but like a pp has said, use this as leverage to get your daughter on contraception;
no implant no sleepovers.
You seem so passive in all of this, you’re worried about pushing your daughter away but kids need boundaries, they push them to check they are there, to check there is a safety net and unfortunately in your daughters case there wasn’t and seems like there still isn’t.
The least you can do is protect her from having more babies, be a parent and insist on it.
She wants you to have some boundaries, she needs you to: she’s still a child.

What a shit show. Not much to be done now.

“What a shit show. Not much to be done now.”
it is a shit show, but something can be done, the op can stop her daughter being a mum of 4 before she turns 20, but she will need to grow a backbone, enforce some boundaries and protect her daughter for that to happen:
An implant works for 3 years, get her to the clinic and get one.