Cousin had stopped speaking to me after potentially being outed as gay?

[concernedlass]

Me and my cousin are quite close, we have always been there for each other and our parents are extremely close as well.

Over the bank holiday weekend I had heard through the grapevine that he had been sleeping with and old school friend.

Everyone in our town has been gossiping about it.

I text my cousin asking him if he was OK and then relayed to him what I had heard.

He was quite abrupt in his reply which was "I am not interested in these silly things" and then stopped texting me back.

I do remember many years ago as a teen that he had confided in me about kissing another boy etc but I just thought he was messing around.

He hasn't been online since then (WhatsApp).

I am a bit worried about him and just want to support him.

This

Instead you sent message telling him he's being gossiped about being gay, knowing he is someone who has been suicidal in the past, likely over being gay in a homophobic family/community, then essentially left him to it other than a benign 'I'm here for you' follow up message.

Go.See.Him. And.Make.Sure.He's.Okay.Now.That.You.Have.Done.This!

And you thought you'd tell him you'd heard his private business through the gossip mill?

That's helpful.

What a horrible town you live in is what first struck me.

Why text though?

Why not ignore the gossip?

All you've done is conform that people are gossiping about him.

I just don't think text was appropriate for the conversation you wanted to have.

Op was fishing for more gossip on the pretence of caring about her brother she's as bad as the rest of them

yup, only gay in the village

I really feel so sorry for this man who has to put up with gossipy, small minded neighbours and homophobic relatives.

Texting was not the best way to approach this OP. Offering your support face to face would have been better.

I do hope your cousin moves to a more tolerant and respectful place where he can live his life free of judgement. I would bet that his mental health will improve drastically once he is far away from that suffocating environment...

Homophobia still unfortunately exists.
So I can understand why he is cautious.
I know you meant well OP , but telling him that the town is gossipping about him and asking if he is "ok" isn't exactly coming across as a positive reaction to the news that he's in a new relationship.
Your auntie sounds horrible.
I'd just text him again, say sorry if you have upset him and that you love him.

The main issue here is incongruance. He is uncomfortable with his sexual orientation and wants to keep it under wraps, which is his perogative.

The fact that you think he should be more open, and think the community he lives in should be more liberal, is beside the point.

Why? Because as the OP has explained, his mother is homophobic.

This is where message sending is so damaging. Use the old fashioned way. Go for a walk or drink together and gently broach the subject.
as it is now too late for that, still meet in real life and apologise if you came across as accusing or insensitive

Yet here you are op gossiping about it online.
Ffs if hes gay hes gay, you and others deal with or not, if you or family cut him off for it, i think you would all be doing him a favour.

My only response to the grapevine would have been, so what, it's none of your business. Why bother your brother with this petty minded shite.

How very odd and backward. It’s like the 1950s. Why didn’t you have his back and say to the gossip mongers it’s none of their business. Why are you havering on about him kissing a boy 30 years ago, sounds like you’re too invested in the gossip.

Outside of the Middle East, I don't think there are too many towns where everyone is gossiping that a man in his 40s might have slept with another man

This about sums it up.

You have a relationship with this aunt? Probably shouldn't

Oh no, we cant upset Mrs Bucket. Ignore the stupid ignoramus.

Little Britain.

Not surprised he doesn't want to speak to you, you partook in gossip and then relayed it back to him. Not sure what response you wanted from telling him. He knows who he's sleeping with or not so doesn't need to be informed.

Bloody hell.

mnetters think they know everything, plenty places and cultures are homophobic🙄basic still but loads on here live in tiny bubbles.

i have a cousin who is gay (I think - this was told to me by another cousin). I kept it to myself for years.

hes in early 50’s and he’s never had a relationship and v ill with alcoholism, not working, lost his property and now living with his mum. She’s now very depressed and and calling my mum about his abusive behaviour. I haven’t told my mum as she’ll tell everyone and it would be appalling for him and his mum (she of course knows but not something she’d talk about).

op - tread carefully. I know others like him. Don’t push him. Create spaces for him to talk if he wishes.

Don't worry @howrudeforme - the OP isn't genuine coming back.

Op this is a sad situation for him he can’t come out because of his mum and the gossiping is going on if she heard it would she believe it. Would he be best telling her before she hears it on the grapevine. I would send him another message I’m sorry you are being talked about but I thought it’s best you knew so you’re aware. Cuz it doesn’t matter to me I just want you to be happy please let’s catch up properly no judgement here.

I thought my cousin was gay and said nothing. I let him tell me in his own time. People said nasty things before he came out and I would put them straight and told them it was none of their business and what they were saying was wrong (not about him being gay, they were being homophobic).
It sounded like you contacted him to be like "omg ive just heard xyz". If so, that was wrong and being part of the gossip.