AIBU to expect more from my 18-year-old about sleep?

[miraclesthree]

I have an 18 year old daughter that cannot or will not get out of bed until 1pm, 2pm, 4pm and even 7pm the other day. Her college schedule is all over the place but even on the day when she starts at 9.30am she is not getting out of bed until the afternoon. The super loud alarm clock that we bought often gets blamed, but whenever I check it, it is working properly. She has a bad habit of staying up late, into the early hours... partly because she slept all day I guess. She refuses to take any advice and doesn't really see it as a problem. But the rest of the family are on a different schedule, in bed at 10ish and generally asleep around 11pm. My husband and i often have to get up for work at 5.30am and often get disturbed after 11pm when she is doing stuff in the kitchen or doing painting homework in the garage. I've tried to explain how these late nights and sleeping days are not healthy, especially since she is on medication that is taken at bedtime and the morning. Her behavior is not conducive to peace in our family home and I'm beginning to feel that we are enabling her, but other than throwing a bucket of cold water over her, I try multiple times to wake her up but she just looks at me and rolls over. I have a feeling as well that she could be self medicating with gummies... she has had some drug and alcohol abuse in her teens. In other aspects of her life she is really responsible, like her part time job. I don't really know how to move forward with this, she has at least one more year left at this college, maybe 3... it's really frustrating me, especially when I'm home and there are so many chores to do, meanwhile she is sleeping the whole day away... As long as she is getting her college work done and maintaining her part-time job, AIBU to expect more?

I think this is just a normal teenage stage. I was the same at her age, although I'd never sleep till 7pm and would be very quiet in the house at night. But yes, I'd easily be up till 4 or 6am, go to bed in the morning and sleep till 2-3pm. I grew out of it by the age of 20 and I am an early raiser now.
As long as she does her college work and her job, it may not be a hill to die on but I would definitely have a conversation with her about keeping the noise down at night.

Missing college when it starts at 9.30 is an issue.

If she can maintain her classes, homework and job then all is fine, leave her be. But, if she’s missing college then you need to have a stern word.

If I had done this at 18, I’d have had a bollocking and told to get my act together in no uncertain terms.

Turn the WiFi off when you go to bed...

Thanks so much for your perspective, it really helps, and I want to be open to change. I feel as though I can understand sleeping late at the weekend if you've had a busy and productive week but during the week, when she could be doing more, doing even better college work and also exploring her dream job of becoming a tattoo artist... I see it as so much wasted time. Maybe, I'm stuck in my older way of thinking... because she did work a lot this weekend,so I guess these weekdays when she has time, she is just catching up on well needed rest...

Thanks for your reply. The college seems so lax here... I'm surprised they haven't failed the class, but I guess attendance only counts for so much of the grade. I will try talking to her again, since she obviously missed class this week as I was home and I noticed. But just talking to her doesn't seem to make any difference. Perhaps she needs to fail and then repeat the class... the natural consequence.

I'm afraid I don't see it as normal behaviour at all.
She is an adult.
I think even if she doesn't care about herself the fact she is disrupting
and disturbing the rest of the family is downright selfish.
If she can't behave in a way that fits in with the family routine perhaps you should be discussing her finding alternative accommodation.

It's just a different body clock. I am extremely productive at night. I have done a full day at work, did a workout at 8pm and will probably be working well into the night on my small business. I expect to be in bed by 1am and will be up around 6 to start this all over again. She is doing her college work, just not at the time you find acceptable.
Also, I have never "met" a tattoo studio which opened before midday and tattoo artists work well past 10pm most of the time so, again, productive but on a slightly different timeline.
I know it's hard to wrap your head around but try not to worry unless there are legitimate concerns around drugs.

Thanks for your suggestion... yes we do that at night, trouble is she has data on her phone and we can't really take it away now she's 18. Mostly she listens to music on Spotify, not so much social media. With her mental health issues, in the past, taking the phone away from her proved to be detrimental.

You and me both!!!

With her mental health issues, in the past, taking the phone away from her proved to be detrimental why?
if it’s for music why not a radio or old school iPod.
from what I’ve read on mn, many many teens are very guilty of emotional blackmail using their mental health as a weapon

So why are you handling things so differently?

Thank you for your response... I am definitely leaning towards your way of thinking. I want to try to be understanding and accomodating but I feel like it's getting beyond that, especially since this is the 3rd day in a row (she's still in bed at 2.30pm right now!) It's one thing going to bed super late and still getting up at a reasonable time and being productive, but living on an opposite schedule to the rest of the family is really disruptive most of the time.

Its totally reasonable to have a 'lights out at 11pm' (or whatever suits you) on a work night.

We have to be considerate of the people we live with. Even as an adult.

Trouble is her body clock doesn't match the four other people in the home and the night disturbances are a problem, bedroom door continually opening, in the kitchen making food... Staying up late occasionally and sleeping in occasionally is not a problem, I get being a teenager. I'm more concerned for her health though, I have worked in healthcare, worked night shifts, i know people who work continuous night shifts and it's not a healthy to run against your circadian rhythm.

I agree it is very frustrating but also think it’s a bit of a teenage thing. I’ve got two young adults, one who is up to milk cows at 5.30 am before getting on with the day (uni plus job plus horses) and the other who would stay in bed all day if possible and does often until lunchtime! However, he doesn’t miss college (may be late sometimes) because he gets yelled to from 7.30 am onwards, and since beginning his trade he has to be on site by 8am so I know it is possible to get up. Weekends are a lie in until football time on Saturdays or his other job on Sundays. Since working site hours there is much less staying up late on line and even if mates are around, it’s not a late finish.
Does your DD have any responsibilities around the house? Pets? I always think if I’m going to chase them out of bed, I must have something for them to do or I’m just making a mountain out of a molehill. Sure she will change once there’s a hard deadline to meet.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, we had problems in the mid teens with the devices and I believe, a lot of emotional blackmail... and for fear of deteriorating mental health we often gave in, gave her the benefit of the doubt. She'll be 19 in October and we're trying to treat her and her twin brother as young adults, giving them some independence and autonomy, trying not to micro-manage them...

I would put some boundaries in. No making food in the kitchen in the middle of the night - that’s just inconsiderate. She can always take water or snacks etc to her room before

And no missing college.

Thank you... I'm going to reinforce this house rule!

Thank you, my husband and I definitely need to sit down with all our kids to remind them to be more considerate. I sometimes wished I had a kitchen with a door and I could lock it after 11pm!

Lots of teenagers sleep late, but disturbing other people isn't ok. For their own sake, they have to learn to consider their family. Most of them with be living with a partner/room mate in the near future, and will need to get up for work. If she wants to do homework at silly o'clock, fine, but not painting in the garage if it disturbs you (and presumably the neighbours?)

I guess I'd rather discuss it with her instead of shouting and getting angry. Getting angry only upsets me and generally closes down communication between us.

She will need to learn to live with other adults as she gets older and moves out one day too.
I wouldn’t have dared do what she’s doing now! It’s common sense to be quiet at night. So definitely a lesson for her to learn. Sitting down and talking is a good idea.

Thank you for your message. I do believe there is a bit of a lack of structure and not many deadlines as such, when she really wants to get up for something she is able to... so I know it can be done. Our kids have a few chores to do, but none that really need to be done in the morning, though it would be nice if they were. Unfortunately the college schedule is kind of light and some of it is self guided online... some days they don't need to be in person at all and some days don't start until 2pm or later. My DD is so bright and such a talented artist, I often feel that if she really put the work in she could excel at so much... I guess the old age saying of "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink" makes a lot of sense here...

With such bad attendance, she may get chucked out of college. Getting up at 7pm is ludicrous. What kind of job is she hoping to get eventually as not many operate all night and then if you do sleep all day, you have no life and will also find it very hard to cope with life admin which often involves contacting people in daytime hours. I couldn't cope with a family member living a nocturnal life under my roof.