AIBU to expect more from my 18-year-old about sleep?

[miraclesthree]

I have an 18 year old daughter that cannot or will not get out of bed until 1pm, 2pm, 4pm and even 7pm the other day. Her college schedule is all over the place but even on the day when she starts at 9.30am she is not getting out of bed until the afternoon. The super loud alarm clock that we bought often gets blamed, but whenever I check it, it is working properly. She has a bad habit of staying up late, into the early hours... partly because she slept all day I guess. She refuses to take any advice and doesn't really see it as a problem. But the rest of the family are on a different schedule, in bed at 10ish and generally asleep around 11pm. My husband and i often have to get up for work at 5.30am and often get disturbed after 11pm when she is doing stuff in the kitchen or doing painting homework in the garage. I've tried to explain how these late nights and sleeping days are not healthy, especially since she is on medication that is taken at bedtime and the morning. Her behavior is not conducive to peace in our family home and I'm beginning to feel that we are enabling her, but other than throwing a bucket of cold water over her, I try multiple times to wake her up but she just looks at me and rolls over. I have a feeling as well that she could be self medicating with gummies... she has had some drug and alcohol abuse in her teens. In other aspects of her life she is really responsible, like her part time job. I don't really know how to move forward with this, she has at least one more year left at this college, maybe 3... it's really frustrating me, especially when I'm home and there are so many chores to do, meanwhile she is sleeping the whole day away... As long as she is getting her college work done and maintaining her part-time job, AIBU to expect more?

Disturbing sleeping people is rude - and this would be true in a house share as well as with you.

It's worth thinking about what kitchen noises are most audible in other parts of the house and what soundproofing you can improve in the bedrooms. You should be able to open the fridge / run a tap for a glass of water / open and close cupboards for snacks without making much noise. Appliances are more complicated - kettles are noisy, toasters and microwaves ding, the hob might be ok as might the oven.

A compromise might be that if she's coming back after dinner time there will be a plate of leftovers she can reheat in the microwave so she doesn't have to cook very late.

Sometimes being nocturnal is the way somebody's body works the best. Sometimes it's a way of carving out enough alone time - can you agree that if she's awake in her room during the day you'll all leave her alone to work on stuff that requires concentration.

She does need enough sleep - blackout curtains would be a good idea.

May be worth looking at things like delayed sleep phase syndrome and other diagnosable problems with sleep. She may be awake because she can't fall asleep until much later on.

I don't think you'll get very far with a health / morals based argument about being awake in the day time being preferable to being awake at night. Go with it being 'different' and not in itself a problem so long as she's not keeping other people awake with noisy cooking, is getting enough sleep and attending college / work as needed.

My DS had a period like this when he was out of work and yes, he did have to grow out of it fast once he got a job. I was not chill about it at all. It's one thing disturbing the rest of the family at night and causing you to have to creep around at day, but to be on a completely different schedule to 90% of society really limits what they are able to do and who they are able to interact with f2f.
I would tolerate her going to bed a bit late and getting up a bit late (say 11am if there are no other commitments) but absolutely not 2.30pm or 7pm. You are not helping her by letting her do this.

FGS.

Your house, your rules.
Why are you letting her get away with all this?
Although she is your daughter at 18 she is now an adult.
Insist that she behaves like one.
She is effectively your tenant/lodger etc.,
Not the home owner, or bill payer.