to wish things were different?

[saywhat]

Its my eldests very first day at nursery today, she starts properly in august but today is her induction. She is 3 years 2 months. I would be looking forward to it, except my husband refused to look after our DD2 for the whole hour i have to be there with DD1.

It really upsets me that whenever something important is happening with DD1, i can never ever focus on just her, because i have to take DD2 with me too. Perfect example, DD1 had her appointment with GP yesterday for tiptoe walking...and i had to take DD2, whom is a terrible 2 year old and created the whole time we were there, so i could hardly hear myself think.

Sometimes i catch myself wishing i hadnt had them close together (14 months appart) and left great big age gaps so all these milestones i wouldnt feel i am missing out on from being distracted with the sibling. I was ranting to hubby and he just doesnt understand.

why couldnt he help out? it just makes more sense
yanbu imo
he needs to pull his weight

to be fair his boss is NOT the understanding sort, and i often feel guilty for even having to ask him to take any sort of time off, i dont work so we rely on him.

Last week i had to ask him to take friday off, because i developed a pregnancy migraine, its the only time i ever get them, and i dont get the pain that bad, but i do lose my vision completely in that i cant focus on anything, its just all colours and blurs, and flickers, in both eyes. It can last up to 3-4 hours and how i am meant to look after a 2 and 3 year old when that is going on, i dont know. i cant see them properly to know whats going on. He did of course take the morning off, but his boss was NOT happy and i ended up feeling worse with my stupid migraine and that DH was feeling upset because his boss was with him.

I think deep down he would help if he wasnt so worried about the repercussions, i dont blame him, i blame his boss.

I dont know anyone here at all, and there is no family nearby, so there isnt anyone else i could ask. I just wish DH could understand that things like the first day at nursery is important to me, even if he cant actually do anything about it!

he refused to ask his boss, because he knew his boss would not be amused.

He is between a rock and a hard place isn't he? I do feel for you - it is very hard. Hopefully you will get to know some other nursery mums and build up a support network.

Setting the issue of your husband aside (as a WOHM I can appreciate that it would be hard to ask for time off when your partner is already at home with the kids).

I think it's a bit strange you're so concerned about not doing things alone/focusing on DD1.

TBH, the big advantage of having siblings is that your parents CAN'T concentrate on you too much.

I doubt v. much that DD1 is worried by it, especially as your DC are so close together that she won't remember a time without her sister.

You don't seem particularly worried about DD2 - who has had to share you from birth?

You definitely need some kind of back-up - especially if you are pregant.

What are you going to do with your DDs when you give birth, and afterwards?

yanbu to wish things were different, I completely understand as mine are 19mths apart. Sometimes it would be sooo much easier to just have to take one along doctors/appointments etc. My dh is farily good in terms of booking time off if it's going to be a big big struggle with both, but there are occasions when although I could do with the help I just have to grin and bear it.

Having said that, your dd's first day at nursery is fairly important IMO, and perhaps he could have done something about it.

i get like it, because i had PND with my first, i didnt with my second. If anything my second has not had to share me, because i found bonding VERY hard with my first and naturally bonded with my second. Now i am much on the mend, all these wee things that shouldnt seem that important are to me, because i want to have special memories with her, instead of all the PND ones if you see what i mean.

and yes hubs is definately between a rock and a hard place.

i dont know what will happen when i give birth to be honest, i was trying to convince myself to have a home birth because it would mean the kids wont have to be moved and there would be no need for child care, but if i am honest the thought of a home birth totally terrifies me. I also dont know if hubs will take paternity leave, i hope so, even just for a week.

Good point HaventSlept. Ds1 is the one I have had the most problems with. Ds2 was pretty much neglected because ds1 was so demanding, and he is the most sensible, self reliant, confident one!

My DH was working over 100 hours a week when mine were small. No chance EVER of having any time off, no matter how ill I was or what was going on. Family 300 miles away, it was really hard. But I did make huge efforts to build up a network of friends - it took time, but it is possible.

But it is hard, especially being pregnant and suffering migraines.

OK - I understand more now.

Presumably you have bonded well with DD1 now?

So really you're making these things seem important because you still feel guilty about DD1 and PND.

Try to keep that perspective on it, because I don't think you can "make it up" to DD1, just move on.

To me, it feels like trying to make up for it just prolongs the artificialness of the situation.

I think you should explain to DH too, not that it will change his mind on asking for time off (he can hardly explain the situation to his boss, can he?).

But it would help him to realise why you are asking him for this help when it seems pretty unreasonable from the outside.

DD2 is NOT neglected, in any way, i have a fab relationship with her, which is why she is not forefront in this topic.

The migraines only start at this stage of pregnancy, after 22 weeksish and disappear straight after the birth. I was hoping i wouldnt get them this time because baby is a boy where as previous its been two DD's.

I have been to playgroups a few times since we moved (1 month ago), but they have just finished now for the summer, there is some nice ladies that i am hoping after the summer i might get a bit friendlier with.

Oh god - don't go for a homebirth just to make life easier for your DC if YOU are not happy about it.

You'll still need back-up childcare - do you want them wandering in and out while you scream???

Or DH disappearing on toilet duty while you're trying to push????

Also wanted to say, I feel we go through different stages with our children, close and not-so-close.

I found it hard to bond with DS1 but we are v. close now.

DS2 was "all mine" (DH in spare room) but now is currently driving me mad.

With 3 you will have to cope with this fluctuation.

its getting better with DD1, but yes i think guilt still plays a large factor and makes it hard to just move on, i suppose i feel that i need to do these important things with her, like being able to concentrate just on her on a big day for her, to try to build up her confidence in me as her mother, but thats probably reading into things too much as well. Its very confusing this parenting malarky.

I have explained to DH and he is very understanding, its not him i think is being unreasonable, but i think he thinks me wishing things were different is because obviously there is nothing much to be done, so its a bit fruitless!

Sorry I think my messages sound a bit harsh when really I DO get how hard it is for you - SO hard that 1 day alone with my 2 DS is enough to send me running back to work

Am not allowed to say "I don't know how you do it" to a SAHM (there was a thread about this recently) but what I do know is that it is a incredibly demanding job and unfortunately it is harder to keep a sense of perspective when you are with the DC all day (and pregnant too!).

In the scheme of things a doctor's appointment or even [dare I say it] a 1st day at nursery are really not that important to the child as long as they are loved and happy.

there isnt any in the wee costal town i live in, except the playgroups, the nearest big town is a 45 min train journey which i would do, but may be a little hard with three under 4!

Haventslept, your replies are fine, i feel a bit wet to be honest lol, making such a fuss, but yes perspective is needed. I suppose i thought a first day at nursery might be quite scary for a child, but maybe not!

I think maybe 2nd day maybe the shocker!

My DS started pre-school/kindergarten at age 3 and was fine the 1st couple of days but was v. when he realised he had to go EVERY day !

Also, I kind of think we build up 1st times into a big thing because WE know it's the 1st time IYSWIM - for me, banishing her sister just makes it more scary and big.

Hope you're ok.

a bit furthe, i suppose i dont worry about DD2 so much because everything i do with her, each phases etc, i have already gone through with DD1 and learnt how to handle it etc...with DD1 however there is noone before her, so it often feels like she gets all the trials and errors, i suppose i just worry more about how she is going to grow up than i do my DD2. Too much wanting to be a perfect parent maybe.

No no Saywhat - I didn't for one moment suggest that your dd2 was neglected - it was meant to be a lighthearted comment.

Honestly I do feel for you - I had PND with all mine, mostly due to exhaustion and lack of support. But I do understand that even in these enlightened times, dads can be in a very difficult situation with trying to take time off work.

The chances are that dd1 will love nursery, she won't mind that you have to take dd2 with you, and life will get easier when you get to know some other mums.

Could you afford to pay a babysitter - perhaps a student from a local childcare course over the summer?

I had a NNEB student one morning a week from the local college on "work experience". Once the boys got to know her and I was happy with her, I could ask her to help me out occasionally, for the going babysitting rate.

i am fine haventslept, honestly, i just got a bit upset about it all this morning, but as you say with a bit of perspective its not going to be that bad, i will be there, even if i cant be focussed on her ALL the time, and knowing her, she wont even care wether i am or not lol, she will love it, being the bright social butterfly she is.

Ooh perfect parent

I would love to be one of those (am a perfectionist all round).

DH brought me up short recently by telling me he thought I was doing something because I wanted to be a "perfect parent" and thought I should, rather than actually wanting/needing to.

I always feel there's someone looking over my shoulder judging (which since joining mn I realise there is !) although maybe French mamans are not so judgey [hopeful]

my DH suggested that 3littlefrogs, i thought i might ask about today at the preschool, if there is any known trusted ones in this area, for a morning or so a week over the summer. i thought maybe one morning it could be DD1, the other DD2, so i am getting some one to one time with them both before baby 3 arrives. We are going to have a look at our finances tonight too and see what we might be able to afford.

i know you didnt mean i neglect dd2 at all, i thought i would make sure noone else did though!