To think that I am just a nuisance to my children

[redcosmeticbag]

I would really appreciate some honest responses from Mumsnetters who have parents who are troubled. I want to see how I may impact their lives negatively.

If I may set the scene. I am mid 60s, divorced, solvent but not rich, suffer from depression.

I have a daughter who lives 10 minutes away by car. I have a son who lives 90 miles away. My son lives with his girlfriend and works in a minimum wage but very worthwhile job. He struggles with depression and struggles for money.
My daughter is married and both she and her husband work in the public sector and earn reasonably well but struggle with the cost of living. They have one little girl whom I love very much.

I have worked all my life but have recently stopped as I realised I was struggling to cope. I work in a charity shop once or twice a week. I'm living in a town which is completely new to me because after my divorce I made the decision to be near my granddaughter and daughter rather than anywhere near my ex husband. I am always available to feed my daughter's cat and babysit. I enjoy doing it and they go away at nearly every bank holiday and often in the school holidays. I rarely hear from my son but he does contact me sometimes when he is struggling at work ( he has lost a few jobs due to patchy attendance). He doesn't invite me down and comes here once or twice a year. One time he was unpleasant to me and to his sister and consequently his sister doesn't really want to see him.

I don't feel that I am particularly important to either of them and I am thinking that I am just part of the wallpaper in their lives. It's friends who invited me into their homes for Christmas and Easter.

How do you all feel about your parents? Specifically perhaps those of you who have divorced parents where one is on their own and has a chronic illness. I count my depression as a chronic illness. I have not been able to recover from it despite being on many medications, having counselling etc etc.

Your son is labouring under a mental health illness.

Your daughter is stressed by money worries and balancing work and young children

Cut them some slack

Does your daughter not include you at Christmas and Easter on a regular if not always basis? That’s a real shame when she knows you’re alone and you help them.

Your son sounds unable to have the capacity to be different but you can still retain closeness via messaging/ calls and occasional visits.

I guess the question is, do you all actually enjoy being together and what is your relationship like with them and their partners?

My own mother is widowed and elderly and whilst not the easiest company I love her and try to be a good daughter.

You're likely seeing your relationship with them and your worth to them through the lens of your depression.

A couple of ideas to improve your relationships :
Do you phone them both and show interest in their lives?

Have you ever spoken with them about their experience of childhood? And listened to what they have to say? Without explaining or justifying yourself. Have you taken responsibility and apologised when you've made mistakes?

I have one remaining parent and while I invite her for Christmas and see her regularly, she's not exactly a priority in my life - but I don't feel that I was hers when I was a child, so it's fair to say it's complicated.

It’s tough isn’t it; you were their whole world when they were little and now you’re a bit part.
My advice is do the things that genuinely bring you joy, actively seek them.
Eat well, exercise well and socialise well. This is a different chapter of your life.
You did a good job as both your children are living independent lives. Enjoy being a grandma and try not to dwell on what you haven’t got.
Do your gratitude every day, it really does help with depressive thoughts and habits.

Am I reading the same post? You provide what sounds like pretty regular childcare for your daughter. Why are you apologising for yourself?

I fully understand both of their struggles as I have personal experience of both. I try to help as well as I can.
Yes, I have apologised many times to them both for mistakes I made when bringing them up. Neither of them has any time for their father who was a selfish, nasty heavy drinker. I stayed far too long in the marriage and I thought that I was doing the right thing ( which of course I wasn't). My own mother was a monster. Egocentric, clingy, needy and an alcoholic. I worked full-time and had to cope with all of this.
My depression is horrible and not something I would wish on anybody.

i too think it’s your depression talking. It sounds like your children didn’t have the best of childhoods due to the complex adult problems they were surrounded with and that probably will create genuine distance, but there is nothing you’ve said that suggests they see you as a nuisance

depression can make you feel you’re the main character but you’re likely not.

Ok. It's more clear now.
You did your best and are doing what you can to help now.
I don't think your kids see you as a nuisance but they are likely too busy to think of you as much as you think of them. I am in the same boat! Most parents of adult kids are.
Perhaps it might benefit you to do more outside your family.

My mum has some of the issues you describe. O see her 1-2 x a week. I feel guilty for saying it can be a bit draining. Are you able to plan fun/ light hearted stuff together?

Yes, fun seems to be missing.

Yes, I do understand that I am one step away from their everyday lives now and that is exactly as it should be of course. I do my best to be 'fun' when I'm with them, especially for my granddaughter who makes me laugh. They would both benefit more financially when I die.

I say this gently - if your children wanted your company they would seek it out. Children don't ask to be born, and life can be difficult. They don't owe us anything, so you have to manage your expectations.

All we can ever hope for is that our children find happiness.

Being available to them when they need support, a sympathetic ear, someone to feed the cat, is our ongoing duty as a (good) parent. What we receive in return is very much up to them.

We have to fill our own lives as best we can with things that bring us joy and fulfilment wherever that may lie.

My depression is horrible and not something I would wish on anybody.

so you’ll understand then that your son, also suffering from depression, will be suffering

Look after yourself and build a life that is not about them. Join a choir / walking group / book club. Eat well, exercise well. Fill your own cup.

Do you like your children?

Do you enjoy their company?

Sympathies 💐 OP.

Depression’s awful, and of course your reaction will be to want people who cheer you up. Sensible.

But they don’t have to be your children - anyway, sounds like they’re too busy keeping the show on the road in hard times. A lot of us are.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. This is annoying advice and the last thing you feel like, but try (forcing yourself) to do self care.

Go for a daily walk, do a course online, get a cat. 🐈‍⬛ You will feel so much better. Depression happens to the best of us, but we do know what helps.

Hmm, tricky.

What was their childhood like? What was the impact on them of yours/your DHs issues?

I love my mum. She’s a good person. However my childhood was very difficult due to her mental health issues. As a child and teen I largely disconnected from her emotionally to protect myself. I was very much parentified from a young age.

I didn’t want to be her parent. I don’t now want to be responsible for her as an adult. I care about her, and check in with her. But I keep my life very separate from her. I’ve learned from counselling that I never felt safe or secure as a child, and now I’ve built a safe happy life for myself as an adult I find it very difficult to let her in.

I still chat to her on WhatsApp all the time, but it’s quite surface level. I love her and care about her, but it’s not possible for me to feel close to her. She would very much describe herself as a burden to me and can be very self pitying.

Id be more inclined to involve her in my life if I saw her actively taking steps to improve her own mental health and behaviour, but she doesn’t want to do that.

My mums in her 60s. I couldn’t have her round if she was chronically depressed. She would drain the life out of me. No thank you.

She had a tough life my mum did and her own mum with mental illness, she wouldn’t want to burden me. She was in care etc etc but she isn’t chronically depressed. She did some inner work. You’re not as powerless as you think. You could make an effort to get better. Being around someone who is always depressed when you’re busy working with your own family is awful.

I would prioritise my own nuclear family if you were my mum. I would keep my boundaries.

i think you’ve sort of answered your own questions really, your kids had (from the sounds of it) an alcoholic father and a depressed mother.

I imagine that will have had a big impact on their emotional development.

You can be kind to yourself now though, focus on being the best grandparent, spending time with your friends, find new hobbies.

I think you have to be empathetic to your kids, I am sure they love you very much but there will also be other complicated emotions that stem from childhood.

Yes, I do understand my son's depression and I believe that he has inherited some characteristics from me.
I am trying and have tried to build a life for myself. I see friends and they have been very supportive ( as I have been to them) through all of life's difficulties. They actively want to see me as I do them. I am an only child of a very dysfunctional background. My greatest sorrow is that history seems to have repeated itself despite my best efforts.
Thank you all for your candid but kind comments. I hope my children will maintain a relationship with each other throughout their lives. I was always longing for a good family life.

Please believe me when I say I have tried and am still trying to get better. I am compliant with medication, have fought for counseling and don't sit in their houses like a wet week. I don't cry in front of them and if I am having a bad day, I just withdraw. I try everything in my power not to do what my mother did to me.

Do you invite them to do things with you? At Christmas etc, do you invite them to yours/make plans together? I only ask because my dad never invites me to anything, arranges anything etc, just rocks up at my house when it suits him with no notice and expects to be entertained. He had little interest in me as a child, so I feel no obligation to be interested in him now he’s older and is trying to line me up as his carer.

May I say something? I happen to believe that female friendships are very important in later life. They heal us.

Am glad you have some. Put more effort into them, learn a new skill, travel ( if you can), make your own joy. All any of us can do.

Yes if you want to be an utter doormat do this. Alternatively, value yourself and your time a bit more, and centre yourself and your friends a bit more in your life.