To be angry at my elderly mother for being in this abusive situation?

[Endofmyropenow]

My Father has always been a difficult person. As a child, I remember him being very shouty and emotionally unbalanced. He could be a very generous and supportive dad, but looking back I also see he was bullying, and had strange ideas.

He always spoiled holidays by having what are best described as tantrums or meltdowns. He’d lose his temper at me and my sibling for what was normal kid stuff. Days out often resulted in us being in tears after being shouted at or smacked.

My childhood was walking on eggshells. Looking back it’s obvious he was abusive. He had a traumatic upbringing and I suspect he is autistic which would’ve been very misunderstood as he was growing up. Any suggestion of therapy led to him calling me crazy and hysterical.

my dad worked away a lot, so that’s what made my childhood much better than it might have been.

unsurprisingly my mother was also unhappy. I told her even as an 8 year old to divorce him but she never did. I’ve encouraged her to leave many times since. But there’s always been an excuse. I think because of her generation, there was a genuine fear of not being able to provide for her kids, the stigma of divorce and just fear of leaving.

fast forward to now. They are both in late 80’s and my dad just gets worse as he declines physically and mentally. He is so nasty to my mother and he shouts and screams the most awful things at her. He’s a hoarder and their once lovely home is messy and dirty. it’s a large home, but he has refused to move out even though my mum has been wanting to down size for years. Now they are stuck in a home which has too many stairs, and is too much for them to clean and maintain.

my mother is now incredibly depressed. She isn’t able to drive anymore so is stuck in the house with my father.
here’s the AIBU…

I feel awful for my mum and want to do all I can to help, but I’m so angry that she has stayed with him and didn’t help herself when she could. She is now stuck in a living hell. If they’d split up I wouldn’t bother with my dad at all now, but even events like Easter means my kids and I have to spend time with him because otherwise I can’t spent time with my mum.

when my mum starts crying and getting upset, I feel such anger towards her as it feels partly self inflicted. I know I’m being unreasonable, but how do I stop feeling this way?

Yes YABU.

I dont think I know many 80yr old who had been through an abusive marriage all their life who would at 80 decide to upsticks and divorce.

She is valid in being sad, depressed but still not being strong enough (probably the wrong words) to leave, especially at 80. Especially as his health is declining there is probably some guilt in there too. Very complex thoughts for her I'd imagine.

Maybe, as his health is declining, is it time to look into social or residential care for him? get your mother out of his orbit in that way?

Go pick up your dm and spend time with her in your home. No reason you need to see your df...

Could you practically support by having her move in with you? Otherwise I just can't see an 80 year old being able to divorce and strike out on their own, especially one who has been conditioned by years of abuse.

Really sad situation all round, sorry you have to deal with it OP

I’ve asked her, but she won’t move. I can’t even persuade her to leave him for a week’s break. She says he couldn’t cope on his own ( but I think he could). I also have a sibling who could care for him.

We live miles away so requires a minimum one night stay. My mum refuses to come to mine ( even if I collect her) without him.

I might look into that

I would be equally as angry but nothing is going to change now at their age , can you take your mom out alone ?
I think i would have to find a way to compartmentalise things as there is nothing you can do about it until one of them has a medical crisis or dies , that sounds harsh i know but when people 'make their bed' it's their problem but when you are a decent caring person as you sound sometimes others problems become your own which is really unfair and a burden.
You are absolutely not unreasonable.

This is such a hard situation for you. Your feelings are completely understandable and valid. My mum was in a very hard situation in her later years and despite my offers of help and her constantly telling me how unhappy she was and how much she wanted things to change, she never actually did anything and died without resolution or improvement of the situation. There comes a point where you just have to detach and accept that they are never going to change. You don't have to be their emotional crutch and you don't have to validate years of abuse by giving either parent your time and emotional energy. Remember, none of us asked to be born and you don't owe your parents anything.

Do you often blame victims? Direct your anger at your sperm donor, and get your mum out of that situation

They are both in their LATE eighties OP?

I sympathise, but in my experience it's unlikely she'll leave. Fear of the unknown will be worse than fear of the (known) abuse.

Very, very sad.

I don't think this is quite fair. OP has suffered a traumatic childhood and understandably has complicated feelings about both parents as a result. She knows anger towards her DM isn't "reasonable" (are feelings ever really unreasonable?), and she's come here for help.

Thanks for the supportive messages. It’s been very hard to watch and just so sad for my mum. But it feels like she actively blocks my ( and DSis) attempts to help

@Endofmyropenow your whole family has been negatively impacted by your Dad.

Wouldn't it be more effective to challenge his behaviour directly, all 3 of you together (Mum, sister and yourself)?

He's bullying you all, your Mum is a victim too.

I'm so sorry you're in this nightmare. I was in the same situation a few years ago, both parents are now deceased.

Yes I used to be furious with my DM for staying in her situation, I begged her to leave him many times.

I sort of made my peace with the situation when eventually I realised she was conditioned to her situation by living most of her adult life with him, and that she came from a society where women didn't leave their husbands. One of her sisters left her own husband and went back to her parents, who told her she could stay a week and then she had to go back to him. The phrase they used was "you've made your bed, now you may lie in it".

As to what you can do, there's not a lot of point in torturing yourself with if onlys. She won't leave him. Is there any sort of elder care service in her area who could maybe pick her up one day a week and bring her to a centre for company and some lunch? I'd be involving social services somehow, just to get your parents on their radar. Good luck OP.

Your frustration is understandable. It is easy when you are on the outside to say just leave. Your mother knows no different and has been ground down by years of his behaviour. All you can do is be there for your mother. Visit. Take her out for trips and enjoy the time you have with her. My mother remarried when I was a teenager. My siblings and I very quickly left home once we were 18. He is a nasty horrible man. And I often wonder why my mum stayed. She made her choices and I respect that. She is very much of a generation is subservient. Or my mother is. Her father was very authoritarian. And she has been conditioned to ‘serve’. And I have made peace with her choices as much as I don’t like them.

@Endofmyropenow

I just wanted to echo some of what @Greenscreennightmare said.

My mum is 82. She has been married to my step dad for 40 years. He never was the most exciting man on the planet but he's been a good husband to her.
Unlike my father to whom she was married for 20 years by the time their divorce went through.
I'm 60 now, but I don't think I realised what a remarkable woman my mother was.
She finally left my father when I was 18. It took her years to get to that point. Divorce really wasn't a common thing when I was growing up. She was held back by the church, the fact that she left school at 14 with no qualifications and was married with a baby at 17. I come from a very working class family, the men worked, the women stayed at home.
I remember my mum always worked, for 'pin' money. My father always held the purse strings. The housekeeping money went on the table on a Friday, his name only on the mortgage.
When I was about 11, she got a job as a dinner lady, a teacher took a liking to her and encouraged her to apply to college. It took her 3 years to do it but she did. And learnt to drive. My father would boast to people about his clever wife but he hated it, did nothing to help her and everything to try and stop her.
I remember her saying to me that college was the first time anyone knew her as her, not Bob's wife, Eric's daughter, Ted's mum.
She qualified as a nursery nurse at age 38 and for the first could get a job which supported her and her children.
But, she couldnt get a council house because we were housed. She couldn't get a private rental because she had no financial history. She couldnt get shared ownership. And she couldn't get a mortgage because she was a woman with no financial record, and women just didnt get mortgages. In the end, a friend from her church whose son was a bank manager pulled a lot of strings to get her a mortgage. My father fleeced her in the divorce. But we left. Then I found out for years she had been squirreling away household things at my nan's so that one day she would be ready.
When I was growing up I didnt know anyone else with divorced parents. Single mothers were stigmatised. Women were held back by religion, social conventions, lack of qualifications, lack of access to housing and means to support their kids.
It took my mum over 5 years of planning and scheming to get away. Plus a very big favour - from another man. I do feel she had amazing strength of character.
Not everyone has that. Thats not a criticism. Women get ground down by circumstance. Sometimes its easier to stay. You get used to it, you are ground down.
Its easy to look back and ask why didn't she leave. I still see threads here every day from women who can't see their way to leaving, when there is so much more support available.
I think if you can try and see things from her perspective and how life was for women you might be able to make your peace with it.
I will say that watching my mum's life play out has been the biggest influence on my life. I never wanted to be like her. It took me a long time to realise just how remarkable she was, what she sacrificed for the 'sake of the kids'. We were lucky that she did get away.

I bet your mum is just as remarkable, in her own way, if you can open yourself up to her experience, in the context of the time she lived in when she was young.

@Ted27 thanks so much for sharing your story. Your mum sounds like an amazing and formidable woman.

it is helpful to understand the context. My mum is from a similar background. My aunt ( mum’s older sister) was persuaded to go back to her financially abusive husband by her father. My mum spoke to a family friend who was a solicitor in the late 80’s and he talked her out of it because it was awful for the kids.

we forget how different attitudes were even relatively recently

It’s very difficult to leave an abusive marriage. I think there are a lot of stats around it and when people do leave they quite often go back.
for an outsider looking in it can feel ridiculous that they stay. The trouble is , the person that’s been abused doesn’t have the rational thought processes because they have been brainwashed to feel this is what they deserve, need etc.
try to see that it’s deeper than not bothering to leave.
it’s even harder for you because you lived it and escaped it. I get your frustration and anger you’re in an impossible situation.

I'm watching a similar situation unfold with my grandparents. Married very young, grandad has always been a bit of a dick but it's really ramping up lately. Gran has always complained but the idea of leaving him (for any reason at all) is completely off the table.

It's sad and frustrating, we're helpless. Thankfully he's not physically abusive - just hoping that won't change as he keeps declining and getting angrier.

Yes let's blame the victim.🙄

Your feelings are 100% valid @Endofmyropenow

her decisions blighted your childhood and continues to impact your life.

Reading your post, I did wonder if some of that anger you feel is also linked to your childhood experiences. There is a reason that domestic abuse of a parent by another parent is considered child abuse - because ultimately the abused parent is not managing to protect their children in that situation. It sounds like maybe you were more affected than perhaps you realise.

Obviously it's a terrible situation for your mother, but you as a child, is still allowed to feel angry with your mother for not keeping you feeling safe.

I think time is going to resolve the situation with your parents, but your AIBU was about your feelings towards your mother. You can get therapy to help process those, at any point.

Her mum refuses to get out of that situation. She won't even let OP take her to her home for a night as she refuses to leave her horrible husband, even for that short amount of time.

More victim blaming. Have you any fucking idea how hard divorce was forty plus years ago? The pressures? The fear?
MN ageism at its zenith. Everyone gets a free pass except the oldies.

My in laws are the same.

we only recently found out how bad it was. As well as the shouting and whatever he controlled every penny. She lived off a tiny allowance he gave her.

she couldn’t leave. She didn’t even have money for a taxi or a bus. She couldn’t leave the house without him- which got worse when she could no longer drive. She had no money, no resources to walk away.

the house, their money, everything was in his sole name. He had her bank cards and she was only allowed then in certain circumstances. She could only charge her phone if he said- people would have to call him to speak to her.

all presented as her being “useless” and not able to function without him. He had everyone convinced, even her.

in the end we were in a position to buy a house with a granny flat in another area, literally went there, put her and a suitcase in the car and moved her. Called social services the next day, sorted her pensions being paid into her own accounts.

that is what it took. She’s much happier and in her words “relieved”. She honestly thought she’s only get away from him when he died.