To be angry at my elderly mother for being in this abusive situation?

[Endofmyropenow]

My Father has always been a difficult person. As a child, I remember him being very shouty and emotionally unbalanced. He could be a very generous and supportive dad, but looking back I also see he was bullying, and had strange ideas.

He always spoiled holidays by having what are best described as tantrums or meltdowns. He’d lose his temper at me and my sibling for what was normal kid stuff. Days out often resulted in us being in tears after being shouted at or smacked.

My childhood was walking on eggshells. Looking back it’s obvious he was abusive. He had a traumatic upbringing and I suspect he is autistic which would’ve been very misunderstood as he was growing up. Any suggestion of therapy led to him calling me crazy and hysterical.

my dad worked away a lot, so that’s what made my childhood much better than it might have been.

unsurprisingly my mother was also unhappy. I told her even as an 8 year old to divorce him but she never did. I’ve encouraged her to leave many times since. But there’s always been an excuse. I think because of her generation, there was a genuine fear of not being able to provide for her kids, the stigma of divorce and just fear of leaving.

fast forward to now. They are both in late 80’s and my dad just gets worse as he declines physically and mentally. He is so nasty to my mother and he shouts and screams the most awful things at her. He’s a hoarder and their once lovely home is messy and dirty. it’s a large home, but he has refused to move out even though my mum has been wanting to down size for years. Now they are stuck in a home which has too many stairs, and is too much for them to clean and maintain.

my mother is now incredibly depressed. She isn’t able to drive anymore so is stuck in the house with my father.
here’s the AIBU…

I feel awful for my mum and want to do all I can to help, but I’m so angry that she has stayed with him and didn’t help herself when she could. She is now stuck in a living hell. If they’d split up I wouldn’t bother with my dad at all now, but even events like Easter means my kids and I have to spend time with him because otherwise I can’t spent time with my mum.

when my mum starts crying and getting upset, I feel such anger towards her as it feels partly self inflicted. I know I’m being unreasonable, but how do I stop feeling this way?

My mum was similar to yours, Op. My dad was difficult, sneering and nasty to her, and us, always. I think with women of that generation divorce was not to be countenanced. They saw it as a failure on the woman's part and felt that society would judge them. Also many women were not equipped to be self sufficient both materially and emotionally. I too longed for her to leave the miserable bastard but of course she never did. her marriage was a source of pride (!) to her. It's hard not to see it as all a bit pathetic.

You have to leave your mum where she is and step back - she's never going to listen and I guess she won't change now at her age.

I could have written this op, except both my parents died young/er.

I’ve had a lot of therapy - I think you will end up doing so too and you will discover that this is not the only thing you are very very angry with her about.

as ‘lovely’ as eh is - and I’m sure she is - she subjected you to a horrendous childhood.

Oh pipe down!

have you any idea how hard it is growing up in an abusive household?

as parents we have ONE job. Protect our children

@Endofmyropenow feelings are valid. She’s entitled to be angry at her mother. Then and now.

we can be angry at parents who failed to protect us AND comprehend an abusive environment. We are here to support @Endofmyropenow right now, not her mother. Let’s focus on her rather than telling her she’s U.

No, I won't. And yes, I do know: from experience. The blame belongs with the abuser, not a selection from his victims.

I’m so sorry that you and your sibling are dealing with this.

I’d advise you to contact the Adult Social Care team (start by ringing Social Services) in their area and explain that you’re concerned about their living conditions (the hoarding, etc.) and would like to arrange a care needs assessment. Your Mum will need to agree to this, your Dad might kick up a fuss but if they turn up to assess your Mum, he won’t be able to do much about it.

Do either you or your sibling have Power of Attorney?

@Endofmyropenow

You are not being unreasonable to feel angry and sad about this situation.

I am not sure you can do much except offer to help your mum if she wishes to leave.

@Usernamenotfound1

I am so sorry to hear about your mother's experiences but glad you got her out.

Oh God, OP. I could've written most of your post. My parents are now 90, still together because at this stage she's very frail, depends on him for everything and is unable to leave. She left a few times when my sibling and I were children, taking us with her, but always went back. Our childhood wasn't good, to put it mildly, but as an adult in my 60s I realise what she's been through in the 67 years they've been married is far worse. It's made her a very difficult person too, to be honest, and she couldn't protect me or my sibling when we lived at home. They have at least downsized and the hoarding has been dealt with. I can't even talk to her privately on the phone because he's so controlling he insists on listening in. She can't use a mobile and isn't allowed to use the landline to call me, partly because I live abroad and mainly because he has to know everything. They are quite wealthy so international calls wouldn't be a cost issue; it's all about control.

I'm sorry, OP, I've no advice but I wanted to send empathy and solidarity. It's awful. The only way I cope is living long distance and being low contact. I hear you

A friend had an elderly relative in an abusive marriage and she only got out when they both needed to go into residential care and were placed in different nursing homes. The last few years of her life were peaceful and pleasant.

I would probably be angry at her choosing to stay too. But it is her choice. Not an entirely free choice but not an entirely forced one either. In some ways she's has been a bit of a coward, taken the easier route when she had more resources and it's biting her in the arse now. But it's her life, not yours. She got to live it and that's what she chose to do, over and over again. I understand her feeling she couldn't leave when her children were kids (though women did, including my own mum who would be 88 today and it was far better for me that she did, despite growing up in poverty) but she had decades after that and just stayed with it. That was her choice. A difficult position to be in but not an impossible one. I don't really think it's reasonable to be making excuses for her. Yes, she had a really shit hand, yes your father was abusive and vile, yes, there were a lot of cultural messages telling her that leaving would be a disaster, but she still had agency, she had plenty of examples around her telling her that she could leave, you gave her plenty of opportunities. She still chose to stay. Even now, by the sounds of it, she chooses to prioritise her husband and frame her life in terms of his life. That is her choice. I think you need to learn to accept that.

Something else to think on - Is it possible some of the anger is really anger at your dad that you've redirected because your mum is a more accessible/approachable/important figure to you? Any chance of redirecting that back at him?

I don't think the OP is asking how to get her mum to leave this shit, it's obvious that's not going to happen now. The question is, how not to resent that she didn't. And I don't think you have to - you get to care about your mum and help where you can and still resent that you, yourself, are stuck still having to deal with your shitty dad when you otherwise would not. It sucks for her and it sucks for you.

Here's my point though. Should you really be taking your kids there much? As in, for special occasions etc? Because why should they have their Easter ruined by this man shouting and bullying? Why should they have to deal with him? If you could see it at 8 I'm sure they can too. If it were me I'd see your mum but keep the kids out of it as much as possible - and certainly on special days. Yes, your mum will be sad about that. But that's the breaks; her feelings, or yours, don't trump your kids' rights not to have this hanging over them the way it hung over you.

thanks everyone for the kind and thoughtful replies - I’ve read every one and they’re hugely helpful.

@BruFord I have power of attorney but haven’t had to use it. I think it’s a good idea to get care services involved. It’s too much for my mum to deal with.

@DramaAlpaca thanks for your post. It helps to know I’m not alone. Agree I think I need to put some distance in.

@RawBloomers agree I’m deflecting a lot of my anger. My mum really did what she thought was for the best. My DSis is actually a lot angrier at my mum than me. I understand my DMs position more, but it still makes me angry. I just try to hide it from her.

@UnreliableNarrators I’m definitely keeping my kids at a distance. They are young teens now, so I don’t want them to think this is acceptable

My parents dynamic was like this except it was my mom who was the toxic one. I don’t blame my dad for staying with her. She was (and still is) quite vile to me. You can’t blame the victims in this scenario, it’s your dad’s fault and nobody else’s. They didn’t have access to all the information we have today on how to spot abusive relationships, it was all just largely accepted as normal.

My mum in a similar situation but her and my dad fall out, he is nasty and then it is all ok again apparently. This has been going on for 50 years. My mum did leave but went back. I do have empathy for her but also know she does not or cannot fully understand the consequences of this dynamic on me. I have stepped back and I do listen to her but let much of it wash over me now. I cannot change it, i cannot help her and it is very damaging to keep trying for me.

yanbu to have anger and resentment for your Mum for not protecting you in your childhood. Your Mum was a victim, yes but you were a much younger and more vulnerable victim who didn’t have a choice.
As for now, you’re going to have to accept that this is what your Mum has chosen and will continue to choose unfortunately. You can’t change it or them so concentrate on making your own life as happy and joyful as you can. You have already sacrificed enough time being caught up in your parents drama.

Don’t blame your mum OP.

My parents are similar. I’ve just lost my mum. I made my peace with the situation prior to her death.

She has taught me so much about strength and endurance.

I miss her everyday.

I'm so sorry for you both. The abuse you have both suffered at your father's hands has left a legacy of complex emotions. You both feel for your mum (what a tragic waste of a life she's had) and are angry that she didn't step up and leave so the abuse didn't mar your own life.
If I were you I'd get some professional help to deal with feelings and work out how to relate to your mum going forward. Because this is her life now until the death of one of them, and for your own wellbeing you need to find a way to accept that. The only thing you can do for your mum is let her talk and offer comfort, as its too late for anything else.
I hope your life has positives and other healthy relationships to off set this.

I’m about 20 years younger than your mum.

Ive recently divorced after a long and unhappy marriage.

The thing is I felt I wasn’t “allowed” to ask for a divorce, no matter how unhappy I was. I could only leave when he decided he’d had enough of me.

Luckily that day came. Once divorce was mentioned, I had no hesitation or fear of the future. So if like your mum, you’ve been bullied most of your life, it’s difficult to remember that you have any choices.

I wonder if this is the state she is in? Would that help with the anger you feel?

can you do practical things, see GP for depression, therapy, CBT?

Perhaps work hard to get more support for your DP, even get him into care.

Just a thought - perhaps INSIST she comes to visit etc. if you MAKE her do something, then perhaps your DP can be cross at you instead of her. Don’t underestimate her level of fear.

Op I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Co dependency is incredibly powerful - well done for breaking the cycle with your own marriage.

'I’ve had a lot of therapy - I think you will end up doing so too and you will discover that this is not the only thing you are very very angry with her about'

My parents are in a very toxic and codependent marriage, and therapy has been invaluable in helping me to understand the impact it had on me, and helping me to separate from my parents emotionally. I highly recommend it

Oh OP, I have boatloads of sympathy for you. I completely understand your anger towards your mum. Yes, no doubt she has been a victim of a highly abusive man, but her failure to act meant that you were a victim of it too. Now you're offering to take her out and she says she won't even leave the house without him. Putting it bluntly, that's seriously messed up, and you probably can't even begin to unpick everything that's going on. What can you do? You can't change either of them, or their marriage. It's such a horrible situation and I really feel for you. I hope it's helpful to know that some of us on here really do understand

This is such a sadenning thread.

My mum divorced DF back in the early 80s. He isn't actually that bad and a very active, helpful husband but does have a level of ASD which can be a bit frustrating. He had a good upbringing, my grandparents were fab so no residual childhood trauma. We had a good life and she should have stayed with him.

DM then married my step-dad who is very good looking, intelligent etc and it was all good while he was working. He lost his relatively high powered job and at this point his need for control became obvious. It also turns out he is a deeply selfish man with a level of residual childhood trauma. my DM was still working plus expected to deal with all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, gardening etc.

Roll on years, my DM is elderly and very unwell, she is now very isolated as they moved away. He is basically neglecting her, doing the bare minimum. He sits all day in his "office" and she is just on her own all the time.

It is very sad but she chose him and also neglected us, her DC, somewhat as kids because she was so busy doing things with him away from us.

So I am leaning more towards 'she's made her bed, let her lie in it'. Your DF was physically abusing you and your DM did not stop it.

This thread also makes me so glad I am single. I have lovely DC who will hopefully look after me in my golden years. It is way better to be single than unhappily married.

The thing is - and it's a really important life lesson I think - is that neither experience nor the emotions it generates is a zero sum game. Two things - or three, or four - can be true at the same time, and they certainly don't cancel one another out.