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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow my child to not share.

45 replies

novadandypowder · 19/06/2008 08:41

I was at a stay & play a couple of days ago, and my dd, 2.7, got on a trike (she's only just learnt to pedal) and rode it round the back of the building. When she appeared at at the other side, another child had magically appeared on the trike and the mother was pushing them both. I thought my dd was ok, so I stayed with my ds, but when I looked around again the mother was talking to my dd. I went over and it turns out that she was trying to get my dd off the trike so her ds could use it. I was a bit miffed by this as we'd only been at the place for 5 mins, and there were other trikes her ds could have used. I also thought it was a bit off that the mother was trying to do it as my dd will of course be a bit intimidated by an adult. I intervened, very politely, and the mother got really annoyed, saying that it would be nice if they could have shared it.

And that's what really annoys me sometimes. I don't think my dd should have to share all the time, especially when there's enough equipment to go round, and she'd only just started using it. I also get annoyed when other kids take her personal toys at the playground without asking and it seems we should just accept this. If my dc's approach anything that's not theirs I tell them not to touch it. To me it's about respecting other peoples property and personal space.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable, anyone else have an opinion?

OP posts:
moopdaloop · 19/06/2008 08:44

yes YABU and YANBU at the same time

(sees both sides - head explodes)

LyraSilvertongue · 19/06/2008 08:44

I don't think you are being unreasonable.
If my DSs want to use something another child is playing with, I tell them they have to wait till that child is finished with it. i certainly wouldn't take the toy away from the other child to give it to my DS. That's just teaching them that they should have whatever they want, whenever they want it and stuff everyone else.

micci25 · 19/06/2008 08:49

agree with lyra my dd1 is bolshy enough to try and kick people off toys herself! i always limit this to her asking 'when you are finished can i have a go please?' but she is never alllowed to take a toy away especially if there are more there.

although tbh there are more isnt really gonna cut it with 3 yo as they will always want the same one! the shiniest or biggest or pinkest or whatever.

idontbelieveit · 19/06/2008 08:49

I think yanbu to want your dd to have a turn and if there's enough stuff for everyone then the other mother could have let her have a good go first, she probably would have been bored of it anyway after a few more minutes and her ds could have then had a turn.
But, yabu to take personal toys to a place where other children will see them and want a go when you're not prepared to share. If you don't want your dd to share her toys, don't take the toys to the playground. Most kids this age just don't have the self control to leave other people's things alone.

duchesse · 19/06/2008 08:54

People can be so bloody precious about their little darlings. Of course it's not OK to evict your little one from the trike. She just didn't want to fight her child over it. That sort of thing used to really drive me nuts at M & T. It's not sharing, it's highway robbery carried out by an adult. She could have fetched a different trike for her kid, but s/he wanted that one because your daughter had it.

fawkeoff · 19/06/2008 09:01

i can see both sides of the argument, but it is an important lesson for her to learn as she goes through life.....things cant always go the way we want it to...and we all have to adapt to our surroundings, I am not saying she should have had to get off the trike, there was enough equipment for her DS to use...but as regards to being pissed off at other children playing with her toys then i think YABU......not all children bring toys to the playground and they just want to play......i dont see any harm in it....and i encourage my children to share

LazyLinePainterJane · 19/06/2008 09:03

YANBU.

IMO, these sort of places enable children to act these things out themselves, learn to be social and share, but to do it on their own. They have little spats and they pull and want the same thing, but it's all part of learning to be around others. That's all pointless if the adults are refereeing all the time and "getting things" for their kids.

There is a woman who goes to one of my P&T groups who is always hanging around the cosy coupe, waiting for it to be empty so she can get it for her (3YO!!!) DS. She gives you little looks when your child is on it, as if to ask you to get them out so her DS can have a go!

Ridiculous.

stillwaiting · 19/06/2008 09:05

YANBU. Your child should share but handing stuff over when you haven't had a turn is not sharing.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 19/06/2008 09:06

I agree with Idon't believe. If we take toys to a playground, M&T group then I always tell the dc's that they can take them but have to realise that there will be other children there and will probably want a shot.
YANBU about the woman at the stay&play though that was just someone that didn't want to have to say no to her dc so she thought she wouls shift yours.

mazzystar · 19/06/2008 09:09

yanbu re the trike thing. how is her child going to learn to share if his mother just gets everything he wants from other kids. from say two or so i reckon there's a degree of working it out for themselves that needs to go on, unless someone's been hogging the best thing for forty five minutes.

yabu to a degree re taking own toys to a communal play space though. my children would not expect to use someone else's bike at the playground, but I think any toys taken to playgroup/nursery/other folk's houses are pretty fair game for sharing, and have taught my kids to accept that if they choose to take their own things along

Doodle2U · 19/06/2008 09:11

YANBU.

There are times to share and times, like you describe, when not.

If you got on a bike for 5 minutes and another adult came along and told you it was his turn, you'd tell him to feck off, right? If there was only oone trike and 20 kids waiting for a go, then maybe....

missblythe · 19/06/2008 09:14

That's not sharing! That's taking for your child to let her child have a go!

Mungarra · 19/06/2008 09:16

I do think that children are expected to share in ways adults aren't. I often see child A playing with a toy at a toddler group, child B snatches it, child A cries and child A's mother tells child A to share it. I think child B should learn not to take toys and to wait until the first child is finished with it (considering we're talking about toddlers, he'll be finished with it in about 1 minute).

If someone took my cup of coffee from me and started drinking it, I wouldn't feel that I needed to 'share' it. Sure the cup belongs to the toddler group, but no one would expect me to share it, but children are often told to share with the snatchers. In other words, they're being taught to be pushovers.

I teach my children not to take toys from other kids, but also to defend themselves a bit.

harpomarx · 19/06/2008 09:22

Mungarra, if I am child A's mother and I tell child A to share it, what I am really saying (in my head and with my eyes) is 'child B's mother, please tell your child to stop snatching and give my child back her toy!'

we just grin and bear it sometimes cos it's not done to tell other people's kids what to do.

Original poster
novadandypowder · 19/06/2008 10:59

Glad we're mostly in agreement re: the trike.

However, I'm miffed that some people think my dd should be expected to share her own toys in a public place. Why should they become public property? If the other kids dont have toys that's their problem, why should they try to snaffle my dd's? I've had a child taking a bucket and spade out from under my buggy before, that to me is not sharing. To ask first yes, to take without asking no.

OP posts:
MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 19/06/2008 11:07

NDP - agree - my child's spade was taken by another mother to give to her child this was a complete stranger at a public sandpit.
If I left my mobile next to me, would a adult assume they could just share it without asking?

notnowbernard · 19/06/2008 11:10

I don't uderstand why you don't like other dc using toys at playground etc?

IME it's a bit of a free-for-all in the sandpit... help yourself to the bucket and spade type thing

I'd have a hard time explaining to my 22m old why she couldn't use the (not being used) spade in the sandpit

And similarly wouldn't stop another child using hers

So think YABU regards this point

StarlightMcKenzie · 19/06/2008 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dylsmum1998 · 19/06/2008 11:12

it is hard, i have always taught my dc to ask before taking others property but when they are young they dont always do it- they are too young to completely understand and can be somewhat self obsessed i like that its looks fun to play with so off they trot to get it. they are not being rude they just dont understand properly. however can see why its frustrating for you, their parents should be watching them and helping them to understand this.
my dc also learnt to let others shre their toys when we are out and about if they are not using it, its good for them to learn to share regardless of where you are

nooname · 19/06/2008 11:13

I agree with consensus re trike, but a bit surprised with consensus that toys at public parks should be a free-for-all.

DS is used to nursery where all toys are shared but (he is now 2) I have always taught him that toys at parks are not shared and he can't just grab other kids toys.
So I agree with OP on both issues.

Re the trike mummy - I have a friend like that, I would just feel sad for her and her child that she can't just let him get on with it.
Kids need to sort themselves out (within reason) in this sort of scenario - I find it pretty sad when the parents always pile in.

CountTo10 · 19/06/2008 11:15

She shouldn't have expected your child to get off the trike. She should have said that we share and take turns and he could go on when it was his turn. That's what I do with ds1 and if he throws himself about having a tantrum so be it. On the personal toys front, I know what you're saying but kids are naturally curious and will always want what they do not have. I always let ds1 take something out with him but I explain that he's going to have to accept other children will want to look at it - if he's not going to like that then its his choice whether or not he takes it or not. The only thing I have put my foot down with was his special blanket and bear which he used to take everywhere with him - they were no go items. I've also respected that with other children though.

wotulookinat · 19/06/2008 11:18

YANBU. The one and only time I went to a playgroup, another mum took my son off a trike and put her child on. My son had only been on there for a minute and there wasn't a queue for it - no-one had been on it for a while. My poor little mite just stood there and looked at the woman. I didn't know what to do and wondered if it was a normal way to treat a new person. I never went back.

notnowbernard · 19/06/2008 11:30

I have honestly never been bothered that other chilren have wandered off with a bucket or spade or whatever belonging to my dc

It's not like they're stealing them

And if my dd has been playing with them I would encourage to share

wotulookinat · 19/06/2008 11:35

That's a bit different to removing someone else's child from a ride-on toy and plonking your own child on instead.

notnowbernard · 19/06/2008 11:37

OP mentions this in first post