to allow my child to not share.

[novadandypowder]

I was at a stay & play a couple of days ago, and my dd, 2.7, got on a trike (she's only just learnt to pedal) and rode it round the back of the building. When she appeared at at the other side, another child had magically appeared on the trike and the mother was pushing them both. I thought my dd was ok, so I stayed with my ds, but when I looked around again the mother was talking to my dd. I went over and it turns out that she was trying to get my dd off the trike so her ds could use it. I was a bit miffed by this as we'd only been at the place for 5 mins, and there were other trikes her ds could have used. I also thought it was a bit off that the mother was trying to do it as my dd will of course be a bit intimidated by an adult. I intervened, very politely, and the mother got really annoyed, saying that it would be nice if they could have shared it.

And that's what really annoys me sometimes. I don't think my dd should have to share all the time, especially when there's enough equipment to go round, and she'd only just started using it. I also get annoyed when other kids take her personal toys at the playground without asking and it seems we should just accept this. If my dc's approach anything that's not theirs I tell them not to touch it. To me it's about respecting other peoples property and personal space.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable, anyone else have an opinion?

YANBU - I don't think that your DD should have had to share her own trike.

As a middle child of 3 the whole sharing thing can be a little over rated. Some toys should not be for sharing.

Should explain my main issue with personal toys in public places. I get that it's lovely for dc's to share, but I usually have a problem when it's time to get the toys back. If someone hasn't asked to use them and they've been taken away from where they originally were my dd gets really upset, especially when she sees a child she doesn't know using them. She's a very shy child and won't go up to ask for them back, so it's usually down to me to reclaim them. Often there is no parent/carer around so I have to ask the child direct. This has sometimes resulted in tears from said child and I'm made to look like a big evil monster, just for wanting my childs toys back. I want to take toys for my dd to the park, I don't see why I should leave them at home just because other kids might want to play with them.

At the weekend we were at the park with friends, and another child took a spade away. My friends ds (5) went up and took it back because he wanted to play with it. The father of the child asked in a really horrible if it was his, to which I replied 'yes' as I had been watching the events unfold whilst trying to get my ds to sleep in his pram. The father knew the spade didn't belong to his ds, but he was treating it as his own.

Sorry, this seems really petty when I write it down, but it makes trips to the park so unpleasant.

When it's time to go, I just gather up the toys as I gather up the rest of our crap belongings we seem to find it necessary to take to the park

If another child has a tantrum because I'm taking our toys back, that's an issue for their parent to deal with, not me

I say something along the lines of "We are leaving now so DD2 needs her toys back... thankyou for playing with them nicely"

See if ds1 appears with something I know isn't his I make sure its ok with both child and parent that its ok first cause I know what you mean with the hometime thing spoiling outings.

I'm mostly in the YANBU camp.

But If you don't want your DD to share her own item, you've got to hover over her 100% of the time, until the moment when she doesn't want to use it, and then swoop the item up and put it out of reach of any pretenders. This is what I do.

It sounds like the other parent may not have realised it was YOUR DD's personal item, although if there were other trikes available (that presumably are to share??) then I don't know why she insisted on sharing the partic trike your DD was on.

I hate it when kids bring personal 'hot' items (like pretty tricycles) to parks, etc., and I have to spend loads of time pulling my toddlers away & explaining that it's not an item to share. So when MY kids want to bring something, I take responsability for hovering over the item, or else try to persuade my LO that they have to share if they must bring the item along.

Parks are tricky. It's difficult for little ones to distinguish between the communal park equipment and personal trikes, bikes and scooters. I always tell my DS that it isn't his and he must ask who it belongs to, but would never refuse someone who wanted to ride on his bike (unless he was on it!).

The only exception I make is for footballs. If you leave a football unattended in the middle of a park then you have to accept that someone is going to kick it!

Agree with flack about sharing personal toys. If you don't want your dd to share or think she would get upset, then don't bring or hover.

In the same way I would not try to get your dd (not my child) off a toy she was playing on, I would be very reluctant to intervene to take a toy off another child (who had already got hold of it) even if that toy belonged to my dd. An adult is intimidating to a child and it is not fair to take something from them. If it was really really important, I would try to hint to the parent to do it instead. But you really don't want to go there.

My SIL allows nephew 4.5 (only child until recently - baby not mobile yet) to put away most of his toys and only have the grotty ones out so that my DSs can't play with any of his favourite toys when we go over there. I always make my DSs (almost 5 and just 3)share all their toys with him when they come to our place. If my DSs try to look in the toy box which is in full view and bulging open showing nice toys, she asks them to leave it alone as nephew doesn't want them to play with his toys. I think it's a bit 'off' personally. I know she is trying to avoid a tantrum from her DS ( and they are spectacular ones!) but I think that's part of growing up. I don't mind seeing him have a tantrum - he's my lovely nephew after all, and I know full well that's what kids that age DO! I think she should should bite the bullet, make him share, and deal with the tantrums - the more he has to share the better he will get at it.

Does anyone think I am being unreasonable here?

Absolutely not marge, next time I would wait until she goes to make the tea then open the toybox loudly saying 'what's in here, this looks fun'. You never know, he might surprise you!

marge2, I think that is very enlightened behaviour. But I see you have 2 children (as do I).

Once you have 2 or more children, you realise that so long as they play together, there will always be tantrums and squabbles over sharing toys, the most desirable toy suddenly being the one that the sibling has, and so on.

I don't take toys off one and give to the other, however poorly one dc has behaved to snatch it. Instead, I let the tantrum run its course, and say to other: 'look, sister is sad. Can you give it back/let her have it once you have finished with it?'. Even my ds (21 months) will usually relent after 5 minutes. They generally understand and respect taking turns, after the usual tears.

So in short, I agree it is good to start learning to take turns early.

Spades are one thing, but if your child takes a really desirable toy to the park (eg, a doll's pram or buggy) expect to be unpopular with the parents who have to spend the rest of their park visit pulling their child away from said coveted toy, especially when the owner has left it in full view...

DS2 who is just 3 is actually far more likely than DS1 who is nearly 5 to give in and pass the toy over. I guess he had to share from the word go and DS1 had a couple of years of no in-house rival. We do the oven timer thing. 5 minutes each with whatever it is. The one who is waiting usually forgets anyway and/ or the one who has the toy usually gets bored with it before the beeper goes.

(My two have been known to fight over a tummy ache. 'I've got a tummy ache' ' NO I'VE got a tummy ache' - give me strength!!!)

marge2 - I think your SIL is being a bit off too.

At 4.5 your nephew should be getting able to share without having a tantrum (assuming he is NT )

He needs practise doing this - your SIL is doing him no favours, I feel.

If your children aren't allowed to bring 'pretty bikes', scooters, pushchairs etc to the park, where exactly are they supposed to use/play with them? We don't all have private rolling acres.
Completely agree that 'sharing' is often a euphemism for 'give that to my PFB', and that children are expected to share in a way no adult would find acceptable.

I agree that children should share but the mother of that child clearly lets them have everything they want which will come back and bite her when they get older. I always say to my dc that if someone else is playing with it they have to wait for there turn , i would never try and get a child to hand something over!!

my sil is just like woman who would take my child off trike to put her child on, I often hear its cos her child is a baby 2yr 6mth when my ds2 is only 1yr 9mth this been going on since ds2 was born have heard every excuse going -he baby, he tired, he does not have to share at home (he 4th child but other 3 are 13+)he poorly, its all really cos she won't upset her ds4 because he screams and throws paddy what's more annoyin is rest of her family agree it's anything to shut him up but my dd1 and ds2 should not have to give up toys they are playing with unless he had them first prime example at christmas toy santa had 5 books her ds4 had 3 books my ds2 had 1 book and my dd1 had 1 book - dd1 was playing with toy first then her brother wanted book so she shared with him when her cousin wanted one she gave him 1 too there were 2 books left which of course were given to cousin cos he makes most fuss when he carried on whinging rather than being ignored or told tough he was being greedy he was given all 5 books because it shut him up my ds2 and dd1 were upset over this selfishness but went to play with another toy but guess who wanted that toy this goes on everytime her ds4 is around I am always deemed as nasty for sayin no me and dp argue frequently but will never get better as the whole family are like that!!!

Point taken MsD, neither do we . There's ways and ways of doing things though and it's good to see both sides of the story... (Poss options are not to leave desired object in sight, make it unavailable to other children in a playground, etc; and even in heavily urban areas most playgrounds have areas which aren't absolutely full of other kids. Also, my DDs always preferred a walk or scoot along the pavement to using the thing in the playground where there are lots of other things to do anyway.)

Marge, I think your SIL is being a bit off too. If we have guests my dc are expected to share everything. I would also expect my dc to share when we are out with friends, or if we are at a m&t group and an item belongs to the group (and she isn't forced into it by a parent!).

I was a bit worried about my dd becoming a bit of a pushover though, as she doesn't fight back when anything is taken from her. She's at pre-school so she's beginning to toughen up a bit and she fights with her brother for things, but it's such a fine line to tread.

I do hover and collect personal belongings when she's finished playing with them .

Back to the original point, I would be most severely narked at the mum talking to my dc like that. Had the trike belonged to the other child and my dc was hijacking it, well, that would be different.
This incident stinks of the all-too-familiar over-protective mother who goes off and fights their kids battles and is very successful in raising a spoilt brat forthwith.
Kids learn through a degree of conflict, not through having some intimidating adult piling in. Who does the interfering old cow think she is?
In my experience, whenever an adult intervenes in a dispute between toddlers, it takes twice as long to blow over. (obviously if the scenario involves blood I might mediate!). Left to their own devices, kids soon lose interest.
Personally my approach seems to frequently culminate in the "if you can't play with it nicely, then nobody's having it" solution and the offending item is removed from both parties. That way there is no favouritism.
I suppose that's not exactly poles apart from the 'not bringing the thing in the first place' issue.

YANBU re the woman with the trike! I've met mums like this and their offspring are usually more than capable of doing their own bullying anyway! I sat open mouthed as a parent cajoled my 20mth daughter to hand over a toy so her 3 yr old would stop having a paddy and slapping her (his mum) in the face!! The fact that my poor little girl crumpled in a sad heap was neither here nor there- her little dictator's needs must be met!

I'm rarely organised to bring lots of toys to the park, and certainly not organised enough to keep track of them, so I don't worry about other people borrowing often. My kids do, however, have a penchant for aboandoned scooters etc, but I try to discourage it, unless the parents are standing saying it is ok! (note to self- bring more toys to the park!)