To be grieving a baby I chose not to have?

[EponymousEponine]

I had an abortion in autumn after an unplanned pregnancy which happened despite taking precautions. It would have been our fourth, and was a really difficult decision to reach. Ultimately it felt like the right choice because my 3 DC are all autistic with quite high needs at the moment due to not having support at school etc. It would've been a grenade in our lives so despite desperately wanting to keep it, I chose to put my other 3 babies first.

I thought that I came to terms with this and moved passed it but the closer it gets to June the more I keep (unconsciously) marking milestones and thinking of the pregnancy that never happened. I feel so desperately sad and whilst I am trying to focus on the very valid reasons for the decision, it feels very painful.

I just wondered if anyone else has ever experienced this? When making the decision I read a lot of accounts of women who had made the same and different choices to mine, but I've not come across anyone expressing how I'm feeling just now. I'd really appreciate anyone who might be able to make me feel less alone.

Yes. I felt very similar. It’s taken me about three years to get over it all really. Definitely didn’t want/couldn’t cope with another baby, definitely the right decision, still really messed with my head. After my due date I started imagining I was driving around with a baby in the car sometimes. Very much lost control!

But I’m alright now. Still aware of dates and how old they’d be but at peace with it all.

Be kind to yourself. Try to stay distracted.

Thats very sad
Do you feel that ultimately you made the right choice ?
Abortion for some women isnt an easy choice but you were focused on making the right choice for your family
I hope you get peace in the choice you made 🙏

Oh OP, i completely understand where you are with this, and it's not unusual. We can have all the best and most logical reasons in our head, and it can truly be the right thing to do, but we can still have strong emotions over it. Allow yourself to grieve what could have been, just as we all have to do when we come to any crossroads in life and can only take one path. But also be kind to yourself, and remind yourself of why this was the right thing.

I felt like you for more than a few years after a termination. It was totally the right thing to do but I thought about what the me in an alternative universe that carried on the pregnancy was doing. I think it must be different though because I had a termination on first pregnancy so was completely naive to mile stones ext and had nothing to compare back to.

I think your feelings are normal tbh. I had a termination as a teen following a rape. Its very very rare now, but I do occasionally think "what would my child be doing now"

Be kind to yourself. Allow the feelings, you are human and emotions are complex.

I'm so sorry you experienced this. I can really relate to the "alternative reality" idea though and sometimes, (as insane as it sounds) I find it comforting to think that there's a parallel me somewhere who's getting to experience everything I havent and wont. Thank you for sharing your experience with me, I truly appreciate it and I'm glad you're at peace with it all now

I had to make this choice. And have suffered loss. I still think about them sometimes. But ultimately, I have two wonderful kids with me, autistic and with struggles like yours, and I'm able to be grateful for what they've brought to my life. I've wondered what it would have been like, but I've been able ro make my peace with it over the years. I'm sorry for your loss. Its a very hard thing to choose, either way.

I think it's hard to say what's truly "right". I think if I had kept the baby it would have been a selfish choice to make considering the needs of my children and the impact on them. I do sometimes comfort myself by thinking that maybe some day when life has settled down a bit we could have another, but really I know that's not the solution - its not the same baby and it wouldn't be the same. Its just very raw at the moment still

This is such a kind response, thank you. Its really comforting to hear that its not unusual, but also desperately sad to know many other women have felt like this. I've tried to talk to my husband about it but he's just unable to understand how I'm feeling. As far as he's concerned this happened in the past and he's moved on, he's happy with our choice. I think as women we experience so much more during pregnancy that it's obviously not such a clean cut thing for us.
Thank you for your compassion

In a strange way ( and hope this isn't inappropriate on your thread op) . I'm feeling a bit like this again as I now have 1 dc and we probably aren't going to have another dc. So I keep thinking back to if we did agree to have another ( we gave our selve 6 months to sit with the feeling and talk it over). I think there is always a bit of us that thinks what if

Yanbu. I sadly had to make a similar decision when the pregnancy I was told would potentially kill me or make me very ill. I decided being mum to my alive child was more important than not being here. I do think of that potential child but I don't regret it. It was a hard decision but I'm glad I'm alive now to enjoy the child I have. I have heart issues which was never an issue until I was pregnant that second time.

I think you need to allow yourself to grieve tbh ,it was clearly a very difficult decision for you
Don't blame yourself for the decision you made
But I do hope you come to terms with the decision you made

Thank you for sharing your experience. I can't express how much comfort its given me - I have also thought about the alternate universe thing and you've made me feel less crazy. I hope youre feeling better about it all now

I had lots of tears about the baby that never was, as I did want it but not in those circumstances. I didn’t and don’t regret my choice but I did have a ball of grief and what if especially during the pandemic months when they would have been newborn. I have a child now and he has healed me mostly now x

I can't get over the juxtaposition between your heartfelt post and your username 😶 which is epic BTW

But wow I cant even begin to imagine how difficult that was for you, and at such a young age. I experienced something similar when I was in my early 20s and it was hard enough without having to also deal with this kind of decision too. You must be incredibly strong. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me, its made me feel much less alone and I hope you've found happiness and peace now

Thank you for sharing. I suspect this might contribute to my feelings - my Mum sadly had many losses and she was very vocal about the missed milestones etc (I'm actually a surviving twin so have always had a strange thought in the back of my mind about my missing brother who isnt here). I think I'm finding it difficult to reconcile the sheer size of these feelings when it was a choice i made, after seeing my mum struggle so much about losses that she would've done anything to keep. I do feel guilty for feeling this way I guess.

21 years ago today I had an abortion, I will always remember the date and feel sad. The sadness is less and we went on to have other children together. It was at 6 weeks so very early but it still makes me feel sad what could have been.

I'm glad you're here too - but what a difficult decision to make. Thank you for sharing this, I appreciate it. I think as women there are so many hardships that are almost invisible to most, decisions like yours that people have no idea we carry with us.

Yes. I had a termination when I discovered I was pregnant in a difficult situation. I had two young children and we were about to be made homeless and had no idea what was going to happen next. I would have kept the baby but not knowing what was going to happen with housing and having two children to support already we opted to terminate. I've never forgotten that baby, it was only about 5 weeks gestation so very early on. He or she would have been 22 this December.

This is very sad to read, op. It’s not unusual to feel as you do and you might find it helpful to have some counselling.

I'm so glad you are feeling mostly healed, but thank you for sharing this with me. That must have been a really challenging experience to go through at such a difficult time - you're so strong to have come out of the other side. I'm honestly in awe of you and all these amazing women who have posted, women are so bloody strong aren't we.

I think sometimes we have to accept that ending a pregnancy is a hard or difficult decision for some women and that doesnt mean its not the right decision
Take your time to to accept it was the right decision for you .

I think whatever your feelings are they are valid and real. Maybe a counsellor could help you reconcile it

It's very common to feel this way. If the decision hadn't been made to abort, your baby would be moving around and the birth wouldn't be far away.

You've already had children so you know what it's like to be at this stage in pregnancy with the anticipation of meeting your new son or daughter growing by the day.

It would be stranger not to be mourning the loss of this little one as their due date and subsequent birth and seeing your newborn for the first time approaches. I'm sure most people feel the same.

Absolutely. Just because something was the right decision doesn’t stop the grief, the ‘what if’ etc and the guilt.

You are in the thick of the pain and it will ease in time.