To be grieving a baby I chose not to have?

[EponymousEponine]

I had an abortion in autumn after an unplanned pregnancy which happened despite taking precautions. It would have been our fourth, and was a really difficult decision to reach. Ultimately it felt like the right choice because my 3 DC are all autistic with quite high needs at the moment due to not having support at school etc. It would've been a grenade in our lives so despite desperately wanting to keep it, I chose to put my other 3 babies first.

I thought that I came to terms with this and moved passed it but the closer it gets to June the more I keep (unconsciously) marking milestones and thinking of the pregnancy that never happened. I feel so desperately sad and whilst I am trying to focus on the very valid reasons for the decision, it feels very painful.

I just wondered if anyone else has ever experienced this? When making the decision I read a lot of accounts of women who had made the same and different choices to mine, but I've not come across anyone expressing how I'm feeling just now. I'd really appreciate anyone who might be able to make me feel less alone.

I think these feelings are normal.

I had to have a very late termination many years ago due to a medical problem. I had no choice and my gp surgery organised it all for me. It was the only option I had as I had to stay alive to look after my DC. But the guilt and grief was awful.

It was on a prominent day and every year I sit quietly and remember.

YA so NBU.

I've not been in your situation, but my DS is autistic and I did make the decision a number of years ago that if I unexpectedly found myself pregnant I wouldn't continue the pregnancy because it wouldn't be fair on DS rather than because I didn't want another child.

I always wanted two children, and I think there'll always be a part of me that is sad that for various reasons that wasn't the way my life went.

You chose what you felt was right rather than what you wanted. Be kind to yourself, that's a tough situation to be in.