AIBU to question parents who keep saying they are very close?

[Lampray]

I’ve noticed a bit of a pattern on here and I wonder if anyone else has too.
Quite often, posts start with “me and my son/daughter are so close” and more and more I find myself thinking… are you though?
In genuinely close relationships, it usually just is. It shows in how you communicate, how safe the other person feels being honest, and how well you understand each other. It doesn’t really need announcing or repeating as a kind of headline.
Whereas when it’s said frequently, almost as a preface to everything, it can sometimes feel like it’s being used to smooth over cracks, or even to avoid looking at things that aren’t quite right.
My own mum does this. She’ll say “we’re so close” as a reason why I should tell her things or should feel a certain way. But I don’t actually feel that closeness at all, if anything it feels like it’s used as a bit of leverage rather than something that exists naturally.
There’s a thread at the moment where someone opens with exactly that line, and is then confused about why her daughter didn’t tell her she got married. And I just think, saying it repeatedly doesn’t make it true. If anything, it can be a way of burying your head in the sand.
I also notice a lot of posts along the lines of “I don’t know why my son/daughter did this, we’re so close.” But if you genuinely can’t even see their perspective, not agree with it, but at least understand where they’re coming from, then something is missing.
Closeness isn’t just about how you feel about the relationship. It’s about whether the other person feels safe, understood, and able to be themselves without pressure or expectation.

If people say it in real life I agree with you. But on mumsnet, saying it gives useful background context (and if you don't say it people will ask anyway).

I think it can be both. Sometimes people say this and they really are, sometimes they say it and it’s not true at all - they are either in denial or genuinely think they are but the daughter/son doesn’t and the relationship is more one sided than they realise.

It’s weird when your mum is saying to you, it’s important context on an online post.

But if you’re talking about the poster whose daughter didn’t tell her she was getting married until 18 months later, I did question how close they were. I’m not overly close with my mum, but I do tell her about all my significant life events.

Couldn’t agree more. My sister in law used to bang on about how close their family is. Reality is they are SO dysfunctional and secretly dislike each other. They do the big perfomative Sunday dinners together. It all looks very splendid on the surface but it always has to involve alcohol so they can all “get through it”.

I never had to announce my closeness. We don’t do big, performances. Our bond is quieter, much more real, far more enduring. We don’t need alcohol either to bind us all.

Closeness isn’t just about how you feel about the relationship. It’s about whether the other person feels safe, understood, and able to be themselves without pressure or expectation.

Well, how are you going to establish that unless the other person comes on here to verify that they are indeed close with the OP who is their mother/sister/ whatever?!
It's simply about adding context to the post as pp said.

I would never say it in real life unless asked but My family ARE close and we do like each other and do spend time together and have no major rifts despite occasional differences.
On MN it can give context.

However I would also say BFFs family are close but they also fight ALL the time! Have endless rifts and failings out, loads of drama but yet… they are close no matter how dysfunctional. Going out for a celebration with them all can be a bit mad because you never know what’s going to happen...

My mum says it to people in real life all of the time.

In reality she has ignored me for over a year because she told her new bf that she doesn’t have any kids because he doesn’t and thought it might make him like her more.

I would say I am close to my DCs because they can come to me about anything and my home will always be their safe space.
We are not huggy or kissy and don’t share our feelings much.

I never tell people I am close to my DCs though, as surely if you have DC it is just presumed that you’ll be close to them.

Are these the same children that are bright and everyone says is beautiful?

Also different people define 'close' in different ways. Some think that in order to be 'close' you have to tell your deepest secrets and not have anything you think that doesn't come straight out of your mouth. Others will define closeness as regular contact, or the occasional gossipy Sunday lunch.

I am 'close' to my offspring, although I can go weeks without seeing them because, by my definition of 'close', whenever we meet up we carry on where we left off and get on brilliantly. But they will have things they withhold from me (probably telling themselves it's so they don't upset me or make me worry).

I always think I have a close relationship with my adult son but for me it means i'm confident that we share interests and opinions eg on politics, and, importantly we are always there for each other when necessary and have each others best interests at heart.

But. I know he has his own personal life and he doesn't share his thoughts and his feelings about his relationships and friendships. And I wouldn't want him to because I recognise he is a person in his own right.

And similarly I dont share some of my innermost thoughts and feelings with him.

I would get very uncomfortable to have a relationship with anyone who thought that closeness meant sharing every aspect of each o other's inner life and feelings.

DP would day they’re close to their family- but they see each other once/twice a year and DP/we have to travel there to see them so I would disagree. They’re happy to see us 2 weeks a year but make little effort otherwise.

Oh my goodness @Tacohill

I'm actually speechless that your DM could do that. To deny her own child's existence beggars belief. I'm so sorry- it must be devastating for you.

People may have different interpretations of what "close" means though.

To me "close" means family members who communicate regularly and openly, confide in one another about happy and difficult experiences and feelings without fear of judgement, are top of the list to be told any significant news in your life etc.

Other people will say they are close but just mean "we have never argued or fallen out" which wouldn't necessarily be my interpretation. They might be close but they might just be fairly passive or possibly tiptoeing around one more volatile character.

My MIL used to say they were a really close family but the reality was that she was a domineering character who used her wealth to bully people and her husband and kids didn't dare cross her. Once she died the adult kids barely saw or spoke to each other despite living in the same town. So the closeness was a fiction held together with a rod of iron.

Our next door neighbours seem to have one or both sets of grandparents there every weekend or they are visiting them instead. They greet each other with delight and are always laughing together and heading out for dog walks en masse. I would say they are genuinely a close extended family, it's lovely to see.

It doesn’t really need announcing or repeating as a kind of headline.

Yeah but it often does when you're starting a thread on a chat forum, so you can give some context?

Agree - on the DD not telling her mum she was married thread, if the OP hadn’t said they were close, every other reply would have been “are you close? How often do you see her!” It was just context.

Somebody who wanders around in real life announcing that they are so close to their children “we are best friends!” is odd, I agree. And probably not actually that close to their kids.

But perhaps for the daughter, getting married wasn’t a significant life event?

I think relationships are complicated. I love my mother. I also recognise she’s not someone who should have had children at all, certainly not as many as she did, and in the situation in which she had them, and with the person she had them with. She has no idea she was an appallingly inadequate mother. I have to do all the forbearing, making allowances etc because I have always been the adult in the relationship. She’s a child from a deprived, dysfunctional background who never grew up, expects nothing for herself, and expects her children to be equally satisfied either nothing. And yet I love her.

I wouldn’t say it about my children as I don’t think the parents should be the ones saying/deciding it, it should come from the children, they should feel close to me that means I’ve done what I can to create a safe loving home and relationship where they can talk to me about their feelings knowing they will be supported.
When parents say it I just think ok but does your child feel the same

Loving someone and being close to them is totally different though. I love my mum, she doesn’t know what I did yesterday. My sister loves my mum, my mum will know exactly what she did yesterday, and the day before.

My DH is close with his mum, they could each tell me what the other has eaten for tea every day this week.

I would say being close means you share a lot of unimportant and important details about your life, and getting married is definitely one of those things. I love my mum but I wouldn’t say we are close - that’s not a bad thing, I cherish our relationship, it’s just not a tell-each-other-everything relationship that I think is the basis of a close relationship.

I do get that sometimes saying “we’re so close” is just context. It can help explain why something feels particularly hurtful or confusing. But more often than not on here, it comes across as a bit performative?
It doesn’t feel like the poster is actually asking “what’s gone wrong here?” or “how can I fix this?” It’s more like they’re stating a version of the relationship that they fully believe, without any curiosity about whether the other person experiences it the same way.
That’s the bit I find telling. Not that they disagree with what their son or daughter has done, but that they can’t even see their point of view at all.
Take that thread about the daughter getting married and not telling her mum. I’d be very surprised if there wasn’t more to it. The daughter almost certainly gave a reason, even if it was something like visa issues, wanting it to be a formality, or keeping it low key, but the OP just wouldn’t mention it, I assume because they don’t want to admit that the reason may have some merit.
And I suspect that’s because, to the mum, the reason doesn’t even really register. It’s filtered straight through “but I’m her mother, we’re so close, I should have been there.” So anything the daughter says beyond that just… doesn’t compute.
That, to me, is the crux of it. If you can’t or won’t take on board the other person’s reasoning, even if you don’t like it, then the relationship might not be as mutually “close” as it’s being described.

This is interesting as that’s exactly how I’d define a close relationship. I have lots of people I love and cherish my relationship with but that I wouldn’t say I have a close relationship with. I have very few close relationships (maybe just DH and one or two others). Some of those have different interests and political views to me as I don’t think that’s a requirement of a close relationship.

How would you differentiate a close relationship and just a relationship?

Yes, I agree, but my point is that my mother might well think we were ‘close”, because she has no friends and has no context for comparison. In fact, I tell her only a set of carefully-vetted things about my life because she’s a chronic worrier and catastrophiser who can’t cope and is such a people pleaser that she assumes everyone always says stuff just because they think it’s ‘polite’, not because they mean it.

If, for instance, I had told her DP and I were getting married but didn’t want a fuss and were going down to the register office at lunchtime with two witnesses, because that was what we wanted, she would have assumed that what I was actually saying was ‘I want a big fuss but I’m not saying so in case it makes me look big-headed’ and would probably have shown up in a MOB outfit and cried because we weren’t having a 200-guest white wedding and it wasn’t ‘special’. Likewise I didn’t tell her when I had cancer treatment because she’d have immediately needed endless reassurance, and I only just had enough to keep my own show on the road and make sure my young child was ok.

I would say I am close to our adult DDs. They still confide in me, ask my advice and actively include me in their lives. We really enjoy spending time together and all share the same (black) sense of humour. But we absolutely don't live in each other pockets and we don't 'speak' every day. They have busy lives and so do I.

I feel no need to 'latch' on to them like a limpet (as my own Mum did with me) and live vicariously through them. I am the main female character in my own life, thank you.

But, I know I am their safe person and still their 'home' because they've told me (though this will naturally change as they raise their own families). When walking together they'll still link their arm through mine, or lie with their head in my lap so I can play with their hair. They know I am absolutely there for them if ever they need me.

My childhood was such that my father was a stranger to me . And my parents had no respect for my opinions or feelings. I was expected to conform to what they wanted me to think and for me to act in accordance with what they wanted. So I suppose I learnt to keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. I think over the course of my life I have had about 3 friendships that I would describe as close in the respect of sharing my innermost feelings.

So I think the main thing I've tried to maintain in my relationship with my son - as well as telling him frequently throughout his life how much I love him, which i was never told by my parents - is respect.
I feel that it's not appropriate as a parent for me to share all the inner feelings and doubts that I feel. I suppose it's an issue of balance of power: although he is an adult i am still the parent, he is still the child. But I want to respect his right for privacy. If he wanted to share things with me of course I would listen, and, if asked, advise. He knows this. He knows that's up to him. I don't want to take away his right to privacy. I don't want to take away his right to be his own person and feel the need to be someone just to please me.

And I think this is what the OP is talking about - people stating a relationship is “close” when in reality it’s not… and I think a big red flag to that should be someone not mentioning they have got married for over a year after it happened. Because even if it’s not that important as an event (it wasn’t for me, we got married in Vegas in a small chapel) but I at least mentioned it to people in my life. It’s the kind of thing that at least comes up in “what did you get up to last week” conversation.