AIBU to want to hire a cleaner and to get some paid decorating help?

[Chizzit]

I feel a bit ridiculous to be starting this thread because I know what advice I'd give to someone else asking the same question ('do what's right for you and don't worry about what anyone else thinks!'). However, the reality is that I DO worry about what other people think and am worried that I am being unreasonable. All opinions welcome!

A bit of background: DH and I both work full-time, 9-5. One DD, aged 2, who goes to nursery. I tend to be out of the house from 8.15-5.45 due to commuting, whilst DH works about 10 minutes away and can sometimes WFH too. I have to work some extra hours too to keep my head above water at work (not ideal but it's an NHS mental health role and I have a moderately senior position, and I've not been. able to find any way around it); I do any of these extras late at night when DD is asleep. DH never really has to do anything outside of his regular hours. We live in a 2-bedroomed terrace, mortgage-free but pretty run-down. Relatively low-cost area. No debt and decent savings. No more kids planned. Our combined salary has jumped in the past year from about £75,000 to £130,000 due to gaining new qualifications and getting promotions. I think it's safe to say that I never expected to be in a financial position like this - it has been a sort of slow-motion shock to the system to us both and we retain the mindsets of people scraping by.

Our house is cluttered (still, despite several bouts of de-cluttering!); every room needs repainting and there are other cosmetic jobs to do throughout, from doors hanging wonkily to stains from past radiator leeks to shelves that need putting up. DH and I are also both pretty non-brilliant at keeping it well-organised. DH does DIY things and most of the cooking; I do most of the laundry and cleaning; we both help one another out as needed. But I think I can be honest and say that neither of us keeps up our end of the bargain as well as I would like. We have a lovely dog who sheds fur everywhere, which doesn't help in terms of the basics of keeping things looking nice. I can also hold my hands up and admit that I am not the best at being consistent and organised, and that I have a tendency towards crashing out in the evenings when DD is in bed rather than being productive.

My rationale is that paying a decorator for some one-off tasks would be worthwhile, and that I would really value having a cleaner weekly or fortnightly to help me to keep up higher standards. We can well-afford it. And yes, we can do all the cleaning ourselves, but it would be of value to me to feel a bit less pressure.

My DH's rationale is that paying for help like this is lazy and frankly ludicrous given that we have far more time and fewer responsibilities than many other people (only one kid; a small house); that it is wasteful; that we should either do it ourselves or accept a low standard. I chatted about it with one of my best friends the other day and she agreed with my DH. She went so far as to say that keeping your own home looking lovely should be an act of self-respect and love. She herself has 3 DCs, a full-time job, a DH who does nothing on the domestic side and she keeps her home immaculate, so I can't help but feel pretty ashamed in comparison.

YABU - sort it out yourselves, you lazy things.
YANBU - it's ok to hire some help.

What's wrong with outsourcing things you either a) don't want to do or b) aren't very good at? If I've read the OP correctly you're not claiming to not have time, so your DH's argument doesn't really make sense.

Lots of things are wasteful if you want to make the argument. Do you only buy the cheapest cuts of meat, and bulk them out with lentils or do you buy some food that makes preparing dinner quicker / easier? Do you always take a pack lunch on days out? In fact do you go on days out or do you exclusively entertain your toddler at home with various items you find around the house?!

What I would say is you're not going to get value out of a cleaner if the house is cluttered and untidy. We have just finished decorating and the deal is we need to get to a point where everything has a home - then we will get a cleaner.

I think get the decorator and DIY man in.

Once you have a nicely decorated home you’ll be more inclined to keep on top of the housework and also be able to enjoy your home.

If you still need help with cleaning from there, yes, go for that too.

Some people enjoy cleaning, hence why they do it as a job. My Mum loved ironing, I hate it. I don't see it as being lazy to make your life easier, otherwise get rid of the dishwasher, don't drive a car but walk or ride a bike instead. Surely that is also laziness. My Grandmother hand washed everything until the day she died and that included bedding. The week she died my Grandad bought a washing machine and installed a shower over the bath. He was gleeful about it.

Your Dh doesn't get everything his way, you want a cleaner, organise it and pay for it. What you are getting back is your time. Time to do other things. Maybe that will help with organisation and you will feel less overwhelmed by it all.

Professional decorators are also great and fast. It can be done whilst both of you are working instead of carving out time to move furniture, prep walls, clean and then paint.

I think some men see it as their role to do DIY or decorate and having someone in to do it is in some way emasculating. I grew up in a house where my Dad cooked and my Mum did the DIY. I came into this marriage with a lot of DIY skills, Dh didn't because his parents had enough money to afford professional decorators and handy people to fix things. Just go over his head and sort it.

Good for your friend if she’s happy that way, but personally I find what she’s saying very odd. Get the help in, and definitely don’t feel ashamed!

£130k and no mortgage?! You're laughing!

How do you want to spend your limited free time?

With your child having fun, or decorating and cleaning?

I know my answer. There's no medal for doing all the cleaning and tidying yourself.

Also you'd be helping to give other people employment at a difficult time. It's trickle down economics actually working for once.

I'd go further and get a professional declutterer in to sort the house too (or get a smallish mortgage and move somewhere bigger and nicer tbh)

oh god yes absolutely get someone in and have your whole house nicely decorated it's where you spend most of your time! Your house is paid for and you earn good money - do it.

Sorry, but that could have been condensed into 1 paragraph OP!

We are having painting done after a major renovation. DH and I are painting inside the shed, but for the house, we are paying a professional. His cutting in is so much sharper than us, plus he is much quicker. I'd prefer to pay him for 2 days of work which would take me 4 days to do myself. I agree that it can be a case of your DH feeling guilty/embarrassed that he isn't doing the DIY type things due to be a man.

As for a cleaner- why not? You work long hours, have young children and can afford it. What about saying to DH you will trial it for 3mths, 6mths etc?

Your husband is being ridiculous. He is obviously not self-aware and does not realise that, if he were capable of what he is suggesting is the best way, it would already have been done long ago and by him. He is not capable.

You are far too busy.

Your family is rich, and what you are proposing is very modest.

To put it into context, we earn a lot less and have a mortgage of around £22k per year. And much worse pensions than you.

We still use a cleaner and decorators.

Absolutely do it.

two tips:

before you start decorating really think critically about your storage. It’s so much easier to keep on top of everything when you have space for everything.

get a robo vacuum/mop. As an owner of a sheddy dog running this daily is an absolute fave changer

Professional decorators make a huge difference to the finish. We have two rooms in our house that we painted ourselves before deciding to get professionals in to do the rest. I regularly look at the two diy rooms and wish I wanted to change the colour or something to make it worth getting someone in to redo them.

Cleaners are also amazing.

YANBU at all. We had a cleaner until recently, she wasn’t all that great so we let her go. I have other financial priorities just now so haven’t got another one, but I really miss it. Having a cleaner really focuses the mind on keeping the house tidy though - we always had a tidy round the night before she came so it was easier for her to clean.

Definite yes to getting decorators in. They can do it so much faster than you. I want to give our home a freshen up, it will probably take all year to find free weekends to do it. Arranging decorators will be an incentive to properly declutter and find storage solutions for stuff.

Difficult if one of you not on board though. Why not compromise and try a cleaner for a couple of months to see how it goes. Get a couple of main rooms decorated professionally and give yourselves x months to do the rest?

We’ve had a cleaner pretty much since the start of our careers when our household income was only c £50,000, ultimately it was never about the cost or what we were earning, we were working full time and outsourcing literally buys you time, the most valuable commodity you can have.

How could you ever feel ashamed for wanting to spend less time cleaning and painting and more time with your child? That’s the way I see it.

We almost always get a decorator in, the taping up drives me mad, I’m not patient enough.

YANBU, get someone in to do the DIY and decorating. Then hire a cleaner, maybe to do a deep clean first of all and then come weekly or every fortnight. You can afford it, you deserve to have a nice home and you deserve to spend your precious free time as you please. If you don't enjoy cleaning and having a messy home is causing you to feel stressed then why not get the help if you can afford it?

You can comfortably afford to bring this joy into your life and it's an excellent investment. My condition of moving from part to full time was a weekly cleaner and a well decorated room is lovely to live in. I'm in my house a lot so it's completely worth it. I love the day my cleaners come. It's like the fairies have been. If your dh doesn't want it just outsource your bits and he can do his himself

I hate paying people for things I can do myself. Decorators especially charge a lot for what I see as quite basic work in a lot of cases. All that said, I’m with you. You’ve got great wages coming in and it sounds like what with all the jobs that need doing etc, it’s just overwhelming at this point. Get the decorators in and get the house sorted. Get the cleaner, it doesn’t have to be forever. You might feel more in control once everything is done. Or you might enjoy not having to do it! It makes no sense to keep struggling when you have the means to sort it.

Definitely do it. But manage your expectations about a cleaner - in my experience you still need to tidy and declutter really.
but I find it useful to have that weekly deadline of them coming and do a little whizz round the night before: then in theory you never have more than a week’s worth of mess!

as for decorating - absolutely pay someone! It will look better. Doing it properly is very time consuming.

Reframe it from paying for something you could do yourself, to paying someone who does like doing it and freeing up time to do things you like. I've had a cleaner for 20 years now, and they are an integral part of our life and family. I absolutely also use a decorator, handman, gardener (to cut the lawn) and a car detailing bloke. They all do a much better job and its their livelihood as independant workers who choose it that way to do the hours they want.
My cleaner also tidies and organises btw, its part of the time she has in the house each week as both of us have no urge to do it.

One of the joys of earning more should be the ability to outsource the things you don't want to do yourself. You're not lazy, just working smarter, not harder.

You work full time outside the home all day long and have work to do in the evenings and you have a dd who you only get to spend time with at weekends. You, op do not have time to do cleaning and decorating. You have time to recuperate from work and enjoy quality time with dd. You are 100% not being lazy to prioritise that and pay someone else to do some jobs for you. Tell your dh to get over himself, this is how you are chosing to live and spend your money. There really are no rules.

I’ve got a cleaner .. had her for about 10 years. I now WFh, DH is retired, and DD is well beyond making a mess around the house .. still have the cleaner though, as none of us are great at it, she comes once a week just to keep us on top of things.

I also have an ironing service

I’m a software developer, I can code most of the things I use myself (it’s surprisingly easy to set up a todo app and email client for example, I’m not talking things where I need social input like mumsnet, or info from the bank). But I don’t because I value my time!

lots of things are wasteful (a lot of people can technically bike to work for example if it’s less than 5 miles) but don’t because they value their time/energy. So why shouldn’t you?

Exactly. You have a busy life OP, use your free time wisely and enjoy every minute of it.

Easy enough to take that stance when you've no serious intention of doing it yourself, isn't it?!

I just ignore DH when he expresses opinions like this.

He's not willing to do cleaning or decorating.

We can afford to pay for it.

I just go ahead and organise it!

Gosh in your position I’d absolutely outsource everything possible. Enjoy your life! Get a professional organiser in, a decorator and then a weekly cleaner to get on top of it all. Maybe once it’s all more manageable you could go to bi weekly cleaning but you’ll feel so much better.