Depressed trying to parent with DH

[In2thedark]

I am having a really difficult time parenting with my DH and could use some outside perspective.

I feel like he undermines me a lot and we just aren't on the same page about a lot of things. Some examples:
• I try to teach DS good manners such as table manners, DH will sit on his phone, doesn't care about us all eating together, leaves all the dishes on the table afterwards despite me trying to teach DS some responsibility to tidy up after yourself
•He tends to act more as a friend than a parent a lot of the time. He can't be bothered with the arguing over getting dressed or whatever it is so just let's things go. I feel our DS is starting to get more difficult and it's just not helpful to let him call all the shots.
•Constantly asks DS if he wants mum or dad to do certain things, let's him choose things that you children should not be choosing, asks him who's car we are going in for the day even if we have already chosen between based on petrol or whatever it is. He will have a tantrum if it's not his choice and DH goes along with it to appease the tantrum.
•he has made comments before when I've had to tell DS off that mum is grumpy, or roll his eyes or mock the way I've told him off. It makes me feel really embarrassed and that I'm always the bad guy.
•he repeatedly tells DS not to go to mum for a cuddle, help, to play, whatever it is. Last night I was enjoying a cuddle before bed and he tells him to sit on the couch instead, which DS did, then proceeded to lift him into his own lap instead. I'm aware this sounds so petty but experiencing it repeatedly is horrible and I don't understand it. I've asked him about it before and he said it's to give me a break which on the surface sounds nice but I've asked him to stop as I'm enjoying spending time with my son but he still does it. Even things like playing a nice game, he will come into the room all singing all dancing to get him to do a different game, or say what I'm doing is boring. Whatever I do or say with DS he has to be louder and more exciting.
•Easter Sunday DS wasn't allowed to get his eggs because DH was working. I get that he doesn't want to miss out on things but he's putting his own feelings above DS. DS couldn't understand why he wasn't allowed them until today. Other times he has been working he makes such a big fuss if I take DS somewhere for the day because he wants to be there too. Does he want us to stay home bored?
• he doesn't really back me up around his parents, and will let them do things we've both previously agreed we aren't happy with just to avoid confrontation. He would rather I was unhappy with something that upset his mum, and tells me to sort it with his mum myself if I have a problem

I will also say that I think DH is hugely insecure for reasons I'm not sure of,.and I do think this could be why he behaves like this. He seems worried that DS won't like him, he wants to be his best buddy, and will do everything possible to make him happy at all times even when sometimes you need to be the parent. I feel like the atmosphere in the house is so high energy, like there's a frantic desperation around DS liking him. Simple things like me saying to DS I love you, you're such a clever boy - DH will literally talk straight after me saying the exact same thing but more gushy, eg dad loves you too you know, come and see dad, dad loves you, I'm so proud, etc. It's actually quite weird and sounds so unnatural. When DS is away to bed DH seems to massively calm down and almost back to normal.

I hate writing all this out because I think I sound really horrible. It used to make me really annoyed but I just feel so sad recently. I dont think DS is getting a good upbringing at times. DH is raising a best friend instead of a responsible adult. I've given up on a lot of things that matter to me because what is the point? Also, I've had a lot of therapy when DS was born to address anxiety so I'm fairly sure that I'm being objective around all of this and work very hard not to let any anxiety affect how I'm feeling.

This sounds unbearable. He’s constantly undermining you.

I forgot to add, which parts of this sound most problematic that I should focus on addressing? And how on earth do I do it?

I think it's ok to have slightly different views of parenting, but this sounds exhausting!

He definitely shouldn't interrupt your games or quality time with your child to take over the attention. Or undermine your decisions in front of your child.

If you've found therapy helpful in the past, maybe couple therapy (focusing on the parenting) would help here?

I guess he could go on his own, but getting your perspective would be helpful too.

He sounds really mean. The bit about telling DS to sit on the sofa and then lifting him into his own lap made me feel really sad

I think you need to stand up to him more OP.

What a confusing paren he must be for your child. He’s bound to be unsettling him emotionally and heaping a fraught and exhausting mental and emotional burden on him. You sound balanced and lovely. I’ve no idea how to intervene in DH behaving this way, but be careful it doesn’t leave long term damage to your child.

Did or does your DS show a strong preference for you? I ask because my eldest went through a really intense dad-phase as a toddler and it was really hard on me and brought up a lot of my insecurities. I didn't behave like your DH because I was self aware enough to realise it was my issue and sought therapy, but I could definitely imagine someone acting up like this if they were insecure and didn't have perspective and support with it. For me it was a mix of feeling like I was irrelevant when DH was around so I had to try harder, and worrying that it was because my DC didn't feel loved enough by me so I had to show him more.

Why does DH get to make all the decisions, eg when to have the egg hunt? You're an equal partner too. You sound rather passive OP.

It makes me sad too. I feel like he tries to put a wall between me and DS. I worry that over time DS will start to think mum isn't available, mum isn't the person I should go to if I want a cuddle because he's heard it so often.

I think I just doubted if I was being unfair to not wait until he wasn't working.

I think as a baby he did. He always came to me when upset but now I would say it's very equal. I wouldn't say he has a preference (DH has made sure of it)

I think you are under reacting to his behaviour which sounds quite abusive and very damaging.

Who spends more time doing the hands on? How are the hours split?

Sorry hit post before I had finished typing. Yes I think you could absolutely be right though. I do think he is a massively insecure person particularly relating to DS. I have talked to him before about putting his feelings above DS but it didn't land very well.

as you describe it, This is very immature behaviour on the part of your husband.

The bit that worries me is that he is not only undermining you but doing so in a way that will cause your DS to be contemptuous of women specifically, starting with you.

I’m unsure why, when he asks your son to get off your lap and sit on the sofa, you don’t say to your DH ‘he’s happy on my lap so not now’ family and assertively. It’s not like your DS is breaking a rule or something by being on your lap. Is your relationship actually more abusive than you let on?

Frankly, your DH sounds like a controlling lazy knob end.

I agree, but I think it's went on for so long that I question myself now. As DS gets older I really do worry about how he will turn out if this continues. Any time I've tried to address it, he says I'm critical and that he's just trying to help ( I don't agree that interrupting bonding time is helping).

as you describe it, This is very immature behaviour on the part of your husband.

The bit that worries me is that he is not only undermining you but doing so in a way that will cause your DS to be contemptuous of women specifically, starting with you.

I’m unsure why, when he asks your son to get off your lap and sit on the sofa, you don’t say to your DH ‘he’s happy on my lap so not now’ family and assertively. It’s not like your DS is breaking a rule or something by being on your lap. Is your relationship actually more abusive than you let on?

Frankly, your DH sounds like a controlling lazy knob end.

I do say that, but DS is now old enough that he just got up himself because dad told him to. I said he's fine here were having a cuddle but it was too late, DS was up and on the couch. The difference is I don't think I've ever once said to DS why don't you leave whatever you're doing with Dad and come to me. I would expect that if he needed a break he would be adult enough to say to me, can you please take over here..and that's what I expect in return instead of framing undermining me as "helping".

He does sound really insecure, and the way he has reacted in the past when you have tried to bring things up doesn’t bode well.

Could I ask, what kind of anxiety did you have, that you had counselling for? Anything to do with your h?

You will need to bring up this behaviour in order to change it. Is there any friend or relative you’d trust to speak to Dh and show him that other people think his behaviour is odd/damaging too? Might he take that better?

Or how about joint counselling, with a sensible therapist who supports you? Would he engage?

It spins like an exhausting way to live. I sympathise.

It’s not you. It is him.

Unless your H is willing to recognize his behaviour is problematic, there’s not much you can do.

His behaviour is awful, Your son will grow up to have contempt for you if he carries on, and this will feed into his attitude to women generally.

The underlying issue is your husband does not respect you and regards you as competition for your son’s affection.

I should have put in the original post as I know a few posters have asked - I do stand up to him at times and ask why he's doing x y z, usually it ends in a fight, he thinks I'm criticising him, and now that DS is getting older I'm feeling more embarrassed that he runs to his dad and I'm left there like a lemon.

I don't think he does recognize what he's doing and that's what makes me feel so sad and defeated. I'm doing my best to raise DS well and have a strong relationship with him but it is exhausting.

Your last line was spot on - I do feel like it's a competition with him.

Your DH is purposely trying to damage your relationship with your DS. The not letting him sit on your lap thing is disgusting. He’s also working hard to give your DS a false picture of you as a person by saying things like you’re grumpy or undermining what you say. This is all deliberate.

My guess is it stems from insecurity, but what to do about it depends on your DH and why he’s like that. My ex does this and it’s horrible. He has a suspected personality disorder and is just ‘not right’. Therefore, in his case, it’s pointless trying to explain or discuss or get him to change. However, if your DH isn’t like this, then try to talk to him about it and lay down some firm boundaries. I’d also explicitly tell him that it’s sad and pathetic he’s letting a small child choose everything just because he thinks it will make your son love him more. Tell him children grow up and realise this tactic and it actually makes them like you less.

You need to be more assertive in sticking up for your relationship with your son. Keep your wits about you and watch every trick your DH tries.

Is there any possibility your H is autistic. Mine is and some of the behaviours are similar. My H has done a lot of copying behaviour, especially when the kids were younger. So if I were doing or saying something he would just copy it. Probably because he lacked the cognition or intuition to know what to do as a parent. Might explain the strange sofa and cuddle thing. H would also see any attempt to discuss the appropriateness of his behaviour as criticism and get defensive. That’s a very common autistic trait.

Your H may not be. But there is something underlying his behaviour which is far from normal and very damaging.

If you think he genuinely has no idea about what he is doing, it could be autism. If you think he does understand and is being manipulative and deliberately controlling ( which seems the most obvious explanation here tbh) then it’s less likely to be autism.

Either way it’s unacceptable.

You are ceding ground to him, repeatedly by the sound of it.

You need to start reclaiming it. Easter is over now, so I’d look ahead to future events and recognise that he’s likely to try to control how they run and think through how you’re going to respond.

At all times you need to stay calm while asserting yourself. I would say, ‘this is how this is going to happen …’ while looking him firmly in the face.

Personally I’d call out his insecurity every time he undermines you if you can do without your DS hearing. ‘Don’t be ridiculous - he’s perfectly happy doing this. Don’t be so insecure that you’re trying to take him away from his fun.’

But I appreciate that that isn’t easy for people who aren’t naturally confrontational. You might be better trying again to say you’re not happy about what’s he’s doing and you expect him to parent more responsibly and respectfully. If he kicks off, you still have to stay calm but firm.

I agree that it is deliberate.
I've had those conversations with him before, suggested he read some child development articles.and.parenting advice online, even said why don't you look for ones specifically for dads. He just thinks I'm critical of him and everything has to be my way. He can't see how strange it is that he steps in to take DS away and why this would be hurtful. The constant arguing and tension around it is just too much. I think I will need to be more assertive and stop caring about the arguments.