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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just leave ds14 to it?

30 replies

suchgreatheights2 · 05/04/2026 21:35

As always in the holidays, I’m questioning myself and how much I should insist ds14 actually spends time with us. He is a sporty lad, spends a lot of time in the garden or in the park. At home he is happy in his room either gaming or on his phone. He will come and eat with us in an evening and watch a bit of TV but other than that I feel like I barely see him.

I have younger dc (big age gap) so I get that he might not want to do days out or anything like that. But even getting him to come for a walk is a battle. This weekend I got sick of asking so I took the little ones out and when I got back 3 hours later he was still in the same spot gaming. It doesn’t sit well with me.

I have always tried to carve out one on one time with him to do things we can’t do with little ones like cinema or whatever but he doesn’t even seem interested in that now. Is this normal? How much involvement in family life do you expect your teens to have?

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 05/04/2026 21:38

I'd leave him to it as long as he's happy enough. It's a teen thing. Pushing him to spend time with you will be counter productive.

Fidgety31 · 05/04/2026 21:40

He’s 14- he doesn’t want to hang out with you !

Hr will come back round in a few years ! Leave him to it .

RoyalPenguin · 05/04/2026 21:42

This sounds completely normal OP.

Original poster
suchgreatheights2 · 05/04/2026 21:43

I don’t want to force him to hang out with us. I know it’s impractical to think he’d have any interest in kiddie days out at this age. I just feel like I don’t see him much and feel guilt leaving him home alone while I take little ones out.

OP posts:
AngelicInnocent · 05/04/2026 21:44

As long as he does other things beside gaming, let him get on and be happy by himself. Another couple of years and he'll be happy to spend time with you again.

NoctuaAthene · 05/04/2026 21:54

Yes I think if he spends regular time outside, pursues sports/hobbies and has friends he sees in real life (not just online) he's doing fine. I think it's fair to insist he has to eat meals with you and it's great if he'll watch tv or spend a bit of time chatting in the evenings but I really wouldn't insist he comes for walks with you and much younger siblings, I don't think many 14yos would be that enthusiastic about that tbh. Teenagers can spend an astounding amount of time vegging or sleeping - try not to think of it as them being lazy or wasting their time, to me it's not remotely the same as if an adult spent hours in their room gaming, I do think teenagers need much more decompression time mentally and even physically, they are still growing after all (and often a lot more active than many adults too if sporty). It doesn't mean he'll be like this for ever. Keep offering for him to engage with the family but if he needs the odd day in the holiday doing not much at all I'd allow it...

NoctuaAthene · 05/04/2026 21:59

Cross posted, OP really don't feel guilty about leaving him to go out. Some of my happiest early teenage memories are when my parents would go out to work in the school holidays (or even on occasion, off on a child-free holiday!) leaving me to my own devices at home - if I had the tv remote, snacks and perhaps a fiver to go to the shops or buy some chips I was honestly happy as Larry. I loved being grown up enough to look after myself and didn't feel remotely put out that they were off doing things I wasn't interested in and would have hated being dragged along to. I get it that you would worry about him feeling left out or as though you're favouring his younger siblings but so long as you do make time to spend time with him on his terms and doing things he'd want (going to his football matches or whatever for instance) I really doubt he'll feel that way...

Original poster
suchgreatheights2 · 05/04/2026 22:24

Thank you this is really reassuring and you’re right, there is no need to drag him out. He is very active and I don’t mind gaming because I feel he does balance it well with sports and being outdoors. Appreciate the comments I will try to stop wittering about it.

OP posts:
Jopo12 · 05/04/2026 22:24

My 13 year old totally rejects spending any time with us. We force him to watch a bit of family tv before bed, a couple of times a week we force a family dinner on him, but it's difficult!
We will carry on with this level and hope one day as he matures he'll come out the other side and want to spend a little bit more time with us.

YourShyLion · 05/04/2026 23:40

Why does he game in his room? Mine have never had tvs etc in their rooms and they're old enough to decide for themselves now but still don't watch tv or game in their rooms.

CmonBobby · 05/04/2026 23:49

With my 14yo DS, I insist on some time outside/being active and some chores every day, eating together, and some dates in the diary for family stuff.
I also limit the amount of doom scrolling, and his Xbox is limited to 2.5 hours a day which I think is enough.

Bufftailed · 05/04/2026 23:49

My DC was like this. Now almost 17 we hang together quite a bit. Find something he wants to do - a tv series?

waterrat · 06/04/2026 00:59

My 14 yr old will do absolutely nothing with me and his siblings. He would die rather than be seen anywhere in our home town with us for starters !

He is a little.better if we are away somewhere but has also refused to get up in time for family walks on holiday too

I think its very normal and part of them needing time away from parents.

I do think obviously they need a life outside gaming but I no longer worry about leaving mine at home for a few hours while out with the younger one

JMSA · 06/04/2026 01:41

The worst thing my parents could have said to teenage me was ‘let’s go for a walk.’
Just why?? Leave me alone!

Bloodycrossstitch · 06/04/2026 02:01

It might be nice to organise a day for just you and him over the holidays but apart from that I’d just leave him to it

Obeseandashamed · 06/04/2026 02:04

I could have written this myself. My teen of the same age is similar. If he’s not out playing sport, he’s in his room watching something on his laptop or gaming. He rarely wants to spend time with us but does take time out to watch his siblings so I can shower or nip to the shops etc. He eats meals with us and sometimes will watch a bit of telly with us whilst doing so (it’s a way of getting him to eat with us and stay with us a bit longer after)

SunnyRedSnail · 06/04/2026 02:10

As long as he is active and doing other things too then fair enough.

My 15 year old has to stop gaming 10pm and hand his phone over. He comes out with us sometimes. I get someome to look after his younger siblings so that I can take him out and do something with just him.

JuliettaCaeser · 06/04/2026 02:17

Not many 14 year olds enjoy family walks?!

There was a famous incident on our street when my neighbour friends 15 year old son flatly refused to get in the car to go on a family walking holiday with elderly relatives. Hes actually a really nice lad and turned out brilliantly in the end. He capitulated in the end but they paused the walking holidays for a few years.

sickofsixseven · 06/04/2026 02:35

My 14 year old won't even watch TV with us at all. The most she will do recently is play a video game with me for about 20 mins before she gets bored and retreats back to her room. The only time we really spend together is in the car on the school, running errands or getting her food and starbucks drinks, where she wears airpods and ignores me unless she wants to talk. She won't come in to shops with me unless its specifically for something she wants. We will go out for sushi a couple of times a month. Im reassured by the replies that this is normal behaviour!

PollyBell · 06/04/2026 02:52

I see why forcing it may make the adults feel better but if it is to have any benefits on the child why?

SatsumaDog · 06/04/2026 05:31

It’s normal for teenagers op and I think it’s fine to let them do their own thing. I only ask
that mine take some exercise each day and get outside for couple of hours. How they choose to do that is up to them. Eating healthily and not lying in bed all day is also not up for debate.

RoyalPenguin · 06/04/2026 07:10

Ideas for spending time with him - my DSs enjoy watching Taskmaster or sport on TV with me, and can be tempted out for something involving food, eg parkrun followed by a full English breakfast!

rockinrobins · 06/04/2026 07:14

I don't think you need to force him to spend time with you, but you do need to be aware of what he's doing, who he's with, and particularly who he is socialising with when he's online.

Have you seen 'Adolescence'? It's such an easy trap to fall into, to think teenagers are fine spending time alone in their bedrooms, and really they can have whole worlds going on that parents know nothing about.

Don't force him to do things with you that he's not interested in, but do talk to him, be interested in him, and be aware of what's going on in his life.

Also, you can impose limits on gaming and screen time. You don't have to make him do stuff with you, but you can also say it's not OK to sit there for 3 hours gaming.

RhaenysRocks · 06/04/2026 07:15

YourShyLion · 05/04/2026 23:40

Why does he game in his room? Mine have never had tvs etc in their rooms and they're old enough to decide for themselves now but still don't watch tv or game in their rooms.

If you only have one living room or shared space that can become very difficult. My autistic DS games as his main hobby...may well end up with it as his career so I've made my peace with it. He has a set up in his room otherwise my other child and I would never be able to sit and watch something, or just use tje room quietly. This was only the case from about 12+ but not realistic in most houses to keep.it out of bedrooms unless you have a den or separate space.

piscofrisco · 06/04/2026 07:30

Normal. We have one day out planned for all of us this week and that’s it-rest of the time ours will game, see their friends, and we might see them for a bit of tv in the evenings or the odd pop into town here and there.