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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fed up of my ex and to go home early?

31 replies

feduplppp · 05/04/2026 13:22

Basically I have a very strained relationship with my ex with whom I share 2 young children with.

He lives in a different city around 35 minutes away and often complains how far it is and how much he spends in petrol (only visits once a week for a few hours).

I booked a place for me and the kids in the city where my now ex now resides for Easter so he could spend time with the kids and visit his family etc.

The first night he went out clubbing with his brother.

Second night he was tired from looking after them and went home before their bed time.

Today he rocks up at 1pm after a full sleep and rest.
I was woken up multiple times as usual.
He is 5 minutes away.

By this time the kids were getting tired and ready for their nap so I told him not to bother.
He has to go early anyway as again he is going clubbing with his brother.

I am furious, I was promised I would get to have a lie in, time to myself etc.

But as usual it's on his terms.

I want to go home to be honest as I am just so fed up.

I want to go through a formal way now as I find my ex is just so unreliable and useless.

The man is mid 40s and acts like a 20 year old I am so fed up of dealing with his laziness.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 05/04/2026 13:27

Stop trying to facilitate the relationship. The more you do the less he will do. He will vanish from their lives but you can’t stop that. It us who he is.

Passaggressfedup · 05/04/2026 13:29

They are no formal ways to force him to be a reliable dad.

Myfridgeiscool · 05/04/2026 13:30

Go home to your own comfy bed OP. I’d make no more effort.

Original poster
feduplppp · 05/04/2026 13:37

He does see the children every week but there is no set schedule.
One of the children is an awful sleeper I paid for a sleep consult last year and I have a strict routine but weekends this goes out the window because of his timings vary so much.

I am exhausted.
He still gets his life whilst I have made sacrifices whilst his life remains the same.

I want to stop him contacting me as he will contact me daily, I want him to go through a parenting app for any communication in relation to the children.

OP posts:
Starbri8 · 05/04/2026 13:38

Go home if you can , know that you are a fab mum , it’s on him …not you . Get everything off of him that you are entitled too , go the legal route for access . From now on facilitate nothing for him . Know you have done your best , look after yourself and your babies . He’s failed you are going to thrive . ❤️

DelphiniumBlue · 05/04/2026 13:50

Hang on, youre saying he only lives 35 mins away but moans about the cost of petrol to visit his own DC? And you actually went to the effort and expense of renting somewhere closer to him to facilitate….well, nothing, as it turns out.
Itsounds like you have done more than enough to accommodate his totally unreasonable demands.
He needs to get real. 35 mins away is less than most people’s daily commute. He clearly is able to drive, so why can’t he drive to yours and deal with bedtime as a regular thing? The answer is that he is too lazy and self centred to put himself out for his own children.
YWNBU to do whatever you want, and if that means going home now, do it .
Does he contribute financially? Clearly, with all this clubbing, he has plenty of disposable income, so I would expect him to be paying well over the CMS minimum recommendation.
What is he contacting you daily for? Just don’t pick up, and tell him use the parenting app.

YourWildAmberSloth · 05/04/2026 13:52

feduplppp · 05/04/2026 13:37

He does see the children every week but there is no set schedule.
One of the children is an awful sleeper I paid for a sleep consult last year and I have a strict routine but weekends this goes out the window because of his timings vary so much.

I am exhausted.
He still gets his life whilst I have made sacrifices whilst his life remains the same.

I want to stop him contacting me as he will contact me daily, I want him to go through a parenting app for any communication in relation to the children.

So he's basically controlling you, by having you running around according to his whims and wishes. He is acting that way because you are letting him. Formalise visitation so that there is a set schedule. Do not travel up to his city, let him and his family come to you. Stop waiting for him. You are a single parent, you need to work out what is best for you and the children. They need consistency. He might end up not seeing them I'm afraid, and I suspect you are tying yourself in knots trying to prevent that from happening. You need to stand up for yourself and DC, he isn't going to change and it isn't your job to make him become a reliable responsible father.

DuracellbunnyAPlus · 05/04/2026 14:00

Go home now, and the message him to say that all future arrangements will be via a parenting app. I would suggest you then pick a time each week which suits the children, and tell them that they will be available then.

Then block him, other than one email address and the app.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/04/2026 14:01

Go home. Don’t bother to tell him so he is ffing inconvenienced tomorrow if he shows up. Find your inner rage and for the love of god tell him to fk off to the far side of fk and then fk off some more.

Go formal legal routes and don’t let yourself be sweet talked into whatever suits this self centred ass

INeedAnotherName · 05/04/2026 14:08

He's doing this deliberately to fuck with your mind. Let that sink in.

Send him one message to tell him to use the court approved app only from now on. Send him a link so he can't say you told him the name wrong.

Block him on everything else.

Let him start the court proceedings, just sit tight and do nothing in the meantime. I bet you a pound he won't pay for the solicitor or costs as he's too tight.

Claim CMS.

Stop facilitating a controlling and manipulative man to have access to children. Only a fool will think they will be "safe" from his abusiveness. He's damaging them right now with not turning up at the hotel.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 05/04/2026 14:10

feduplppp · 05/04/2026 13:37

He does see the children every week but there is no set schedule.
One of the children is an awful sleeper I paid for a sleep consult last year and I have a strict routine but weekends this goes out the window because of his timings vary so much.

I am exhausted.
He still gets his life whilst I have made sacrifices whilst his life remains the same.

I want to stop him contacting me as he will contact me daily, I want him to go through a parenting app for any communication in relation to the children.

You can't change his behaviour, but you can change how you respond to it. If he sees the DC at weekends, you only need once a week contact with him. So don't read his messages except for the one day and time you've decided to set aside for it, hang up when he calls, protect your headspace from his interruptions.

blackpooolrock · 05/04/2026 14:34

What difference would it make it he used a parenting app rather than messaging directly?

Why don't you set down set times for him rather than him rocking up when he wants? Get something from a solicitor to try and get him to agree to whatever it is you want.

RainyRainyRain · 05/04/2026 14:51

Im confused why you would book and pay for a place closer to this loser? Why?

Sensiblesal · 05/04/2026 14:53

Its only 35 mins away, get yourself home.

tomorrow have a day out, you & the kiddies & have some fun.

stop making all this effort for a man that can’t even drive to see his kids on a regular basis.

you are way too nice, you have facilitated this whole weekend when he should be looking after them with no involvement from you in his time.

why is he not collecting them on a Friday & returning them on a Sunday night/to school on Monday at least every othet weekend. In addition to the midweek, this should be the minimum.

get contact to be through one of them apps for arranging contact & make the absolute waste of space actually look after his children

ChurpyBurd · 05/04/2026 15:02

I booked a place for me and the kids in the city where my now ex now resides for Easter so he could spend time with the kids and visit his family etc.

You tried. You literally laid everything on a plate for this man to have a nice Easter with his children, and he couldn't be arsed

Learn from this, it's not the distance, it's HIM. It's not that you're trying to keep them apart, it's HIM. It's not that you make things difficult, it's HIM.

Grant him no more grace, and definitely never again spend money that could have gone on you & the kids, trying to do anything to make life easier for this man.

ReadingCrimeFiction · 05/04/2026 15:04

YANBU.

You need to start drawing some bounaries. Remember, he won't respect those boundaries, they're for YOUR benefit, not his. So you decide what is and is not acceptable and you have a very clear knowledge of what you will do outside of that.

So, you tell hi you want to agree set times or weekends. You agree what those are. If he doesn't show up, you take the kids and go out. If he turns up later, you tell him he can't take them etc etc.

You do have to accept however that if you do that, the chances are his time with the kids will decrease even further. So make sure you've got whatever child support payments in place, or go through CMS asap.

Cheese55 · 05/04/2026 15:13

He's not interested by the sound of it. Your kids won't be harmed by not seeing him so really dont bother chasing him.

Flyingeyeball · 05/04/2026 15:20

A 35 minute drive is no excuse not to see your children properly FFS.

OP, go home, and never go out of your way to facilitate contact again.

Offer SET, routine contact on a pattern that is doable and in the kids best interests and only offer contact during those times. If he skips it, he skips it but he can't swap and change.

Block him on everything except a parenting app. He can use that or nothing.

Time to get tough and protect your peace and sanity as well as protect your kids from being messed about.

He will either stick to contact or not but you will have offered and will soon know where you stand.

BinNightTonight · 05/04/2026 17:28

You need to stop making the effort, as hard as it is. If you want a coparenting app then you can download one and tell him that all communication must go through there, Our Family Wizard is a good one but you'll need to pay (unless you get a year free for example via mediation)

In your shoes, I would suggest mediation to get some consistent, reliable contact. Get something drawn up and then have a solicitor look through and sign it to make it legally binding. Its much easier to have something in writing than not knowing if and when he is going to show up.

Original poster
feduplppp · 05/04/2026 18:14

He basically blames me for having to move away.

He blames me for his family not seeing the children regularly, none of his family have ever visited us and I have made it clear they are more than welcome to visit anytime.

They expect the kids to visit them, and with my ex only coming once a week and at times when he is working weekends (dosent come at all) it's not possible.

I have suggested a parenting app a lot of times but he refuses.

It's the lack of schedule and consistency that really bothers me.

Even towards the end of the relationship when the youngest was 10 months old, I was doing everything.

He blames not living in the same city as a reason for him not seeing them more.

He has now just advised me that he will be taking me to court and how he is going "to tell them everything".

I asked what did he mean?

He said me stopping his access and stopping his family from seeing them.

He makes no sense at all.

OP posts:
ReadingCrimeFiction · 05/04/2026 18:24

Oh, actually, him.telling you he will "take you to.court" is BRIlliant.

So, first, he wont. Its a control tactic. But you get to act as if you do think he will. "Great, I know the courts like parenting apps so I will start using it" or "let's let the court settle this as clearly we cant".

BecUsr in the very very unlikely event he does take you to court, you have done NOTHING but behave appropriately so the kore crazy he is, the kore it works for you. You didnt move away. You dont routinely not turn up for contact time. I assume you are paying all child related costs.... yiu are golden!

Flyingeyeball · 05/04/2026 18:27

Let him crack on.

Tell him their first suggestions will be:
Set routine
Parenting app
Mediation.

He's lazy and selfish!
Set up an app, give him all the log in info, and leave him to it.

grumpygrape · 05/04/2026 18:36

Mediation will be before it gets to Court

SpryCat · 05/04/2026 18:37

So he blames you for his own and his parents failings and anything else he can think off. Stop jumping through hoops in the hope he will ever be the father your DC deserves. He would never take you to court because that takes effort and the only thing that man has energy for is himself!
I would go home without letting him know and only let him message through the parent app.

aWeeCornishPastie · 05/04/2026 18:37

Don’t even bother let him come to see them if he can even bring himself to do that. He is a waste of space