Can't your mum help ?

[Alltgetreesarebrown23]

aibu to ask people please not to casually say 'can't your mum help out' or 'go stay with your mum' when women have problems, usually with babies and partners. Not everyone has a living mum, a healthy mum, a mum in the same country etc. And if it was that simple, chances are the OP would have done it! We don't all have the same lives

I think most people say have you got a mum, family or friends who can help. I think people are fully aware not everyone has family

It's literally on a thread today, I just didn't want to derail it

Why ask though, do those posters asking that question honestly think that the OP would not have thought to ask them, if they could, before asking a bunch of strangers on the net?

I think you’d be amazed by how many people fundamentally don’t understand that their experience is not universal.

I work in workplace mental health and have supported thousands of people over the years, and it is fascinating how many people casually assume that everyone has their life set-up, or that everyone thinks like they do, or that everyone believes and values the same things.

Because a lot of people are embarrassed to admit it or have become estranged due to the abusive partner. Most mums will be there for their children when needed so I don't think its a bad thing to encourage or remind them of that. My dd was in an abusive relationship and it ruined our relationship for a time but I was absolutely there for her when she came back

And it’s sexist. The grandads are amazing ‘help’ for childcare and all sorts in our family. My 80 year old dad was the main choice with my dds for ‘playing Barbies’.

I also hate this. It's really common. I also hate when someone mentioned their MIL babysitting "can't your own mum do it?"

Is it really likely that someone posts with a problem and someone saying that makes them suddenly remember that they have a mum who is ready and willing to drop everything to help?!

It bothers me for a different reason - it's the assumption that the solution for one woman's problem is another, older woman.

In fairness on here posters always ask "where is the father?"

I've just realised I've took this thread completely the wrong way I thought you meant escaping domestic abuse not babysitting

I read it that way too.

I don’t think it’s particularly helpful. If you have a kind and willing mother you don’t need a stranger on the internet to point out this support option. If you don’t then it just highlights isolation or loss further at a difficult time.

I hate it too. My mum died in my twenties, dad is in poor health and my DH's family live abroad so it's just us and always will be. So often when my babies were small people seemed to assume we had family available to help and it is so upsetting to be reminded of how alone you are when you feel vulnerable as it is.

This is what I thought when I read it.

We need to try to stop assuming that only female relatives should help with childcare.....

I don't think it's necessarily wrong to ask whether people have family that can help - not everyone has living family they still see, but for many people it is a valid suggestion.

But phrasing it as "do you have family or friends who could help?" would be more appropriate.

It happens in real life too- I was asked the same thing more than once by HR at work when I needed time off for a poorly child.

I've seen it used for everything from domestic abuse to women not being able to get away for an hour for a hair cut. When there is a dad in the picture

Yes, I was similar. It got so bad I was wondering was it even possible to have a baby without your own mother on hand! It is though.

My reply would be completely different to these 2 very different situations. I would never ask about mum helping for childcare unless it was an emergency. For escaping domestic abuse I would always encourage asking for mum, family or friends help.

Totally agree. Apart from the obvious (not everyone has a mum, or likes their mum), there seems to me to be an expectation that grandmothers are young and fit enough to help, but somehow don't also have a job or any commitments.

And, bizarrely, they all are expected to live around the corner from their adult children, which is surely quite rare these days?
And childcare is not exclusively a woman's job, as mentioned already.

The whole thing comes across as very class-based....but in a lost, lower middle-class world from the 1950s!

I’m NC with mine. I wouldn’t piss on her to put her out if she was on fire. She’s the last person I’d ask for help from.

I've had people judge me and be wary of me. Because my mum declines to help me but will help my sibling. They assume automatically it must be due to something I've done. It's incredibly difficult to try and explain a golden child dynamic to someone from a completely different perspective and experience of their own family dynamics. Many just can't comprehend. Whilst I understand every situation is different it's incredibly hard to be told that's a you issue or a communication issue when it's really not.

Be great to hear more what about your dad/Fil/grandad/bil/brother can't they do xyz. I understand some of the previous generations have been shite in this area but including men in this conversation and raising expectations is how we changed this for the future.

My manager also asked me and wasn't the least bit apologetic when I explained why that wasn't an option. It's one of those privileges people don't even recognise. Even a close friend of mine who knows about my family circumstances didn't understand why I was so sleep deprived looking after my 3mo and 2yo while my DH was away on a business trip for a week. Turned out she'd never actually even looked after her child overnight alone because her mum came to stay whenever her DH was away.

You can’t police langague to take into account everyone’s personal circumstances

But why ask ‘can your mum help’ why not dad, sister or brother? Why assume that firstly the person has a mum who is alive, willing and able and ent assume that even if they did they’d be the person for the job.

I have had it in real life, when declining a social occasion due to lack of childcare. Yep, I’ll drive my kids 160 miles to be cared for by an ex alcoholic with Korsakoffs. Sounds like a plan.

I agree. If someone has the option to ask a mum it would have already been done. The "where's the father" "why can't your DH do it" comments are pretty shitty too. Yes, some people may lack common sense but the majority of people would have already explored the obvious answers. The comments along them lines sometimes just come across as a dig.

This.⬆️⬆️⬆️
I can’t be the only person sick of being told what we can and can’t say incase we upset someone!