Traumatic or I am being dramatic (and should put it back in the box)

[ConfusedSoShutUp]

I have recently had a scary health incident. All well now.

But this has "reactivated" (for want of a better word) some stress/anxiety/trauma? from my childhood. I have been exploring this a bit with a couple of books, and am down for some NHS talking therapy - probably CBT in a few weeks. And I keep having doubts and telling myself just to put it back in the box now I am better, ignore it, get on with life and shut up.

So I would like other's views please? Validation maybe that it was pretty awful? Or maybe reassurance that it was normal and I could safely put it away again. Are the books just confirming a bias of mine? That I have just "hooked onto" a word (fawning from trauma response) and made it bigger than it was - I just need to get a grip.

Short story of my life age c10 - 16 yo...in the early 1980s. My mum used to yell horribly at my older sister - and it would descend to violence. Clouts around the head, back of the legs, elsewhere. I remember her once breaking my sister's spectacles in a particularly violent rage. The violence was rarely directed at me...I was the golden child (my sister hated me for this). But most of what I can remember was hyper vigilance - to make sure mum/sister were not pushing buttons. I would do the little jobs (taking washing upstairs) to prevent mum getting cross. I would watch mum's expressions and moods, and I could tease her, joke her or do the jobs to get her out of her mood. It felt like it was down to me to "fawn" mum - to keep everyone happy at home. And yes, I was scared with each of these rages. In case I got hit. In case it was really violent (deadly) this time. Would we get split it. It made my hearth pound and I felt shaky and nauseous until I had calmed it down. I was such a suck up.

It is obviously longer/more complex than this (emotionally distant father, 100% continuation on the fawning into the remainder of my life, both at home and work, family relations etc, periods of "mild" disassociation, occasional panic emotions it stuff not done,). But above was the bare bones.

So (sorry so long):
YABU- I should just put it back in it's very small box? I was not the victim of child abuse. It was a fairly normal '80s upbringing. Logically I know I am safe.
YANBU - it was a bit shit, and probably worth talking to someone.

No, this sounds traumatic and emotionally abusive. Seek help.

Look up CBT and the mood and anxiety disorders it has an evidence base for -
if it’s childhood adverse experiences that you wish to address, CBT is unlikely to be the therapy of best fit -
have a think about what your problem focus should be on therapy for you, and your therapy goals - that should help you ensure you have therapy that suits the need -
therapy is like medication - different ones / doses for different problems -

Yes, talk to someone who can reassure you that it wasn't your fault, you were a kid trying to do damage limitation, etc. Now that you're an adult you can distance yourself - don't let your mum make you feel like that kid again, taking on the appeasement role.
Anyway, yes, talk to someone, even if it's just a friend or your DP (or sister?? Maybe she needs help with it too). And then, once you've come to terms with it, then you can put it back in its box.

That was not a normal 80s childhood. Get therapy now before it really comes back to bite you on the bum very very hard.

Boxing up childhood trauma has a tendancy to pop back out of the box when you least expect it and bite you on the face. While you were not the victim of your mother’s physical abuse, you witnessed it happening to your sister. There was also the constant threat of violence potentially happening to you. It might be good to talk to your sister about what you both lived through? And also talk to a therapist?

I don't think it could ever really be unreasonable for any person to seek therapy or support for their mental health if that were affecting their day to day life or if they'd experienced a situation that had affected them, putting things 'in a box' isn't necessarily healthy nor are you obliged to do it for yourself or anyone else. It sounds like it would be a natural next step for you given you're exploring some of these ideas yourself and trying to process them.

A person can have a good life in the present time and still get a lot of benefit from unpicking and reframing the past with a professional, there's no shame in it and I would personally stick it, press on and see what comes of the CBT sessions. Perhaps keep a journal to note how you are feeling approaching them including these thoughts that you should put it back in a box so that you can make the practitioner aware that that's something you're experiencing.

It was not a normal childhood BUT it was also my childhood in the 80s (until my grandparents took me in, and even then, my parents were unstable). My father would get in shouting rages and abuse my mother (he hit me in the face just the once and then the grandparents mostly took over).

The point is that if my DH raises his voice, I need a lorazepam, and I’ve been in therapy for a decade (and this is a lot BETTER than I used to be; I used to dissociate to get away from the sensations of my heart pounding, dry mouth, etc. Unfortunately, I have an autoimmune disorder that has a lot of the same symptoms and I feel like it’s taken a full decade to figure out if I’m physically sick, mentally sick, or just fucking sick of it, at any given time).

Oh that’s horrible for a child to live with, for you and your sister. How utterly stressful, I’m so sorry.

What books have you’ve been reading?

You were (and still are) the victim of child abuse, and it is very likely you have PTSD as a result of it.

This was way more than 'a bit shit'. Your mother was horribly abusive, not only to your sibling, but to you as well. Very much so. You spent the whole time terrified and trying to keep the peace in an attempt to prevent her from assaulting your sibling. There was always the implied threat that she might turn on you too.

Your father should have protected you and your sibling from harm, and he didn't. That makes him complicit in the abuse too.

I'm so sorry you are still suffering from this childhood trauma, and yes you definitely need some counselling.

I am not sure what the NHS will offer therapy wise. From a recent thread on here i have a feeling it will be CBT. Does anyone have any suggestions of what may help?

I want to jut go hypervigilant ALL the time. That need to "do" to prevent the kick off. The inability relax. The stress.

Oh I’m sorry this sounds awful.
trauma is trauma. It doesn’t matter what caused it, it still has the same impact on your brain.
regarding what your mum did, I was the older sister in this situation. I never thought about what my little sister did or might have felt in that situation, so thank you for sharing this.
look into somatic therapies too, like massages to release trauma or little ocean rituals.
mothers who can’t love is a good book to read but probably when you are in therapy.
good luck. Everyone has trauma and it impacts people in different ways. I’m glad you’ve spotted this and have access to support. Please take it and don’t think you’re not important enough to deserve it.

I'm not sure CBT would be your best option, I would specifically ask for counselling not CBT as that deals more with thoughts, feelings, and ways of dealing with those emotions.

How has it affected your sister as an adult?

I am so sorry this was your experience.

I think as we get older it's harder to keep these things 'in the box' and they fight to come out and be processed one way or another

I would look into EMDR ( I found this extremely helpful dealing with emotional flashbacks to my childhood )

Also some books that I found were very helpful

The body keeps the score - Bessel van der kolk
Complex Ptsd - from surviving to thriving - Pete Walker
Toxic Parents, overcoming their hurtful legacy & reclaiming your life - Susan Forward

Omg this sounds like me - but no physical violence in my case, extreme emotional volatility from both parents though, screaming matches and violence towards each other (throwing, Smashing things).
I had a fawn reaction too and was the best one at managing them out of their moods and I think it's done me no favours, but I'm a bit loathe to tamper with it lest the relative stability I've built comes teetering down 😬

Children who hear or witness abuse are now classed as victims of abuse even though it didn’t happen to them directly. So it’s likely that it did affect you, and it sounds like you took on a role within the family which was based on sensing your mum’s moods and trying to keep her happy in order to keep your sister safe.

I have just booked in for some EMDR and it sounds like it might be helpful for you too? I can’t say it worked for me as I haven’t had it yet but I’ve heard really good things about it for traumatic memories, PTSD and anxiety

That was going to be my question. Because a conversation with your sister could help. Agree prior that you were both effected and you need to both understand what you both went through. Ask her about the experience and how she saw you in relation to events. Tell her that many of the things you did were to stop or prevent your mother attacking her...it may be a start in helping you, because it could be the guilt that your sister was the victim mostly that is effecting you

We have spoken about it. I am fully aware and told her that being at the receiving end of this (and the other stuff) was horrific.

She said (much as @tvde said) that she never thought before the burden on me being the peacemaker.

She and I both had counselling about 15 years ago. She has had more since, and some CBT

I think we both feel the same about my mum.

Edited for typos

YADNBU op - but CBT won't help, or rather, it will just mask the symptoms/push everything back down again. You need non-time-limited psychodynamic psychotherapy (not counselling!) - v hard to get this on the NHS these days

Hi OP,

Clinical Psychologist here, with a specialism in PTSD & CPTSD.

I think you're absolutely right to seek treatment and the experiences you have described are completely normal following traumatic experiences.

The therapy modalities that address PTSD/CPTSD are trauma-focused CBT, EMDR and NET. These are NICE Guideline recommended therapies with a huge evidence base.

The posters saying CBT won't help, I presume are referring to your bog standard CBT for anxiety or low mood (often like 6 sessions on the NHS) and akin to a paracetamol for a broken arm. Talking therapy services are able to offer TFCBT, but it's important to make it clear at the assessment what you're experiencing and the links to childhood trauma, so they can allocate a therapist who is able to deliver the right treatment.

It's amazing you've taken the first step and the journey is never easy, and I wish you all the best!

I know this goes against general feelings but I would put it back in the box if you can - if you can’t then be prepared to pay for expensive therapy.
I had a very similar upbringing but all siblings got slaps/thumps, objects thrown about, anger directed at us and huge rows virtually all the time. It was almost normal to us. I also had some incidents outside the family as a child which were pretty horrific and have told no one except my husband many years later.
The only way I’ve dealt with it is to forget it and move on and live my best life. I’ve found overthinking and examining the details of my childhood and trying to make sense of things does not suit me at all and could make things worse for me. I will not let other people’s behaviour however bad spoil my life. It works for me, I have a very happy life, but of course I can’t be sure it would work for everyone.

I’m sorry that happened to you. Absolutely not unreasonable to feel the way you do.

I would caution therapy though, depending on how you typically manage your emotions, it may help or it may do further damage.

My dad was the victim of quite significant and very violent childhood abuse. He sought therapy in later years and he says it ruined his life. Brought it all to the surface and made it impossible to bury/forget/move on. He’s typically avoidant and that works for him, so therapy wasn’t helpful.

Whatever you choose, I’m sorry you had to deal with this and your recent health scare, I hope you’re able to move forward!

Thank you @ThisZippyGreenBiscuit . Spoke to my sister this afternoon (many tears) and she said similar - to push for trauma based therapy.

The thing is, I know more or less why my mum did it (her upbringing, hormones, illness, emotional state)
I know why my dad was like he was.

I know why I react like I do due to this trauma - the fawn/perfectionist to keep me safe. The hyper vigilant reading the room and people's emotions - to keep me safe.
I would like to know how to not let this overwhelm me and really come out of the box if I have a peak of stress (which we all do in our lives). As I am now safe. But life will throw me more stress at some points. I cannot and do not want to revisit and rehash this again when that happens.

That does sound traumatic. Witnessing violence in the home can be just as bad as being a direct victim of violence. It's well known now but probably wasn't so well known in the 80s. I hope the talking therapies help you deal with the trauma you've experienced.

Well I don’t want to overstep but your brain clearly doesn’t believe you’re safe at the moment. Not the logical part the reptile part.
what makes you feel good? What grounds you? Do you have a supportive group of people to be around?
feeling unsafe triggers a lot of this. You have to teach yourself you’re safe again