AIBU to want DH to reduce work for better family balance?

[Coleman93]

Context to follow but as the higher earner AIBU to want DH to take a step back from his career so we have a better balance at home and with our DS?

Both DH and I currently work FT pressured jobs (corporate so it’s definitely not life or death!) - I work over 4 days, he tends to work longer hours due to the industry. I’m in a Director level role earning 50% more than he is in a sales mgmt role. We have one DS, 4yo. We earn good money, have the usual mortgage / bills etc to pay for, nothing out of the ordinary.

I particularly struggle with the fact that DS spends a lot of time (4 full days per week feels like a lot to me!) at nursery/with grandparents, but whilst he’s been at nursery it’s worked okay. DS is happy and settled.

Facing the transition to school has us both concerned about finding available childcare, until recently I was fully remote, I now attend the office 1-2 days per week. We will need wrap around care at least 3 if not 4 days per week, plus all the school hols. (I plan to have at least 1 day per week where I work from home so can do drop and pick up etc).

I appreciate we are in a fortunate position for me to even be able to consider this because some families, due to affordability, have no choice but to have both parents work FT, or are single parent households. That is one of the reasons I struggle tbh, because it feels like greed rather than necessity that DS will be cared for by lots of people other than us.

We could afford to cover outgoings and live within our means on my salary alone but not on my DH salary.

We both acknowledge life would be easier and preferable for DS if one of us worked at least PT, and we both grew up in households where mum was available for drop off/pick up everyday and all the holidays.

But my DH wouldn’t even contemplate altering his job/trying to look for something more flexible or PT. AIBU to want him to rethink? It makes much more sense financially for me to be the main earner, even if just for a short time.

Yes we could sell our house and downsize, and cut back so we could live within our means on his salary but that feels like a lot of sacrifice for all of us so he gets to keep his job…

I love him and want him to be happy, fulfilled, etc. and imagine if he did step back for a few years he’d probably hate it and resent us both for it, which is genuinely equally gutting and infuriating, if I wasn’t earning so much more, despite absolutely loving my career, I’d do it as I truly believe it would benefit us all during these short years while DS is little, sad he doesn’t feel the same.

Absolutely no one would say that to a woman who posted “my DH is pressuring me to give up work because he earns more, but I don’t want to.”

The responses would be “if he wants someone at home, he should bloody well do it”.

OP, I do think you’d be unreasonable to push this if he doesn’t want to. I wouldn’t want to. And I wouldn’t want to be told I should.

Sorry, but yabu.
Nobody, male or female, should be dropping hours/leaving their job unless they want to. They definitely shouldn't be doing it on the say so of a higher earner.
If it's important to you that someone is at home you need to look at ways for you to achieve that, not put it on him. If it is important to both of you it should be a joint effort.
Can you move your hours around/drop a few so you are available for school pick ups. Or can you drop 1 day a week, so you are available 2 days?

I have been a SAHM for almost two decades to four DC. It's only been possible because we based a mortgage on one income only. It meant there was no pressure for me to hurry back to my job.

It can be done if you cut your cloth accordingly.

Yanbu. Could he not ask for some flex at work so that at least he could do one pick up eg by starting early or compressed hours? I think it would be seen as a no brainer for a woman to do so or go part time in this situation.

alternatively, as it seems the money is there but time isn’t, could you find a nanny who could bring ds home, give him a snack, do his reading etc so that he could have more settled time at home even if not with a parent. It might suit a retired person looking for some extra money or a parent who could bring their own child.

I'm in a similar situation to the OP (but I imagine we both earn a far bit less than them). Interesting that I never clicked about mum guilt. I think you're right in my case. A frustrating situation to be in

You can't make him but if I was him I'd jump at the chance, reducing my hours was the best thing I ever did

Is a nanny a possibility? Then your little one could come home after school rather than on to another child care provision (especially if they've been at breakfast club). I don't think either of you are unreasonable. It's a tricky time when they go to school as pick up is earlier than a usual office finish time. Have a really good look at all your options as a pp said once they are juniors age they are pretty able to start sorting themselves out after school and dont need the same amount of supervision.

You can ask but if DH says no you need to find an alternative when DS starts school.

Is there a breakfast club you can drop him off at? Is there an after school club? Many children at DC school go to one or both. Could the GP’s do any school picks ups? There are probably more GP’s than parents doing school pick ups at DC school than parents. There will be many events where parents are invited to attend during school hours - at DC school many of these are attended by GP’s or parents alternate and attend by taking a half day. Many children do not have anyone to attend.

If your DH were to go part time will you be topping up his pension so it’s the same as it is now? Will he still have the same amount of personal spends? Will he be able to live the same lifestyle he does now with the reduction of income? Are you expecting him to take on more of the housework etc because once he’s dropped DC off at school what is he going to do between then and pick up time?

Is he reluctant because he enjoys his job? If so, it’s unfair to expect him to reduce his hours.

I think this is pretty awful of OPs DH not to want to spend more time with DC, plus it would be more cost effective for him to reduce hours as he's the lower earner.

My DH did this and it was fantastic for all concerned. He's only dropped half a day a week so minimal impact on pay, pension etc but it feels sufficient in terms of impact at home.

Plenty of mothers and fathers don’t want to reduce their hours for a variety of reasons, despite technically being able to afford it. They aren’t all awful parents.

Is it pretty awful of me to work full time even though I’m the lower earner and we could afford to live on DH’s salary?

My husband and I both work full time and have no family anywhere around us (immigrants) and it’s been mostly totally fine. I would stop relying on your parents and just figure out a wraparound plan that works (and so glad you’re already aware you shouldn’t be working and parenting simultaneously!)

My husband and I prioritised jobs and a house that were close so both worked full time in 4 days. Is flexing either of your hours an option? Meant we only had 3 days to cover each week.

I know it feels impossibly far away, but this stage is quite temporary- in a few years you’ll be glad you both kept your careers going.

All this being said because he already said he didn’t want to go part time so put that idea aside and work on a solution for your challenges.

If he likes his job then that’s up to him. He probably gets more from his role than he would spending time with the children

Just use a childminder. Then it's just one person consistent daily. It frees up grandparents to enjoy their retirement

2 days asc, a day with grandparents picking up and 2 days where you pick up sounds do able.

in the hols can you and your dh take a day off each annual leave so in 12 weeks of hols (not including Xmas week as presumably you both will be off) you will use 12 holiday days each on childcare. (Possibly 6-10 if you take into account the other bank hols and 1 or 2 weeks family holiday.
Then in school hols dc could go to holiday club 2 days or if grandparents can manage a whole day, 1 day hc and a day with them. (Which you could do on your wfh day and pick up a bit earlier?) and the day with the person on a/l and a day with you.

Could your DH do compressed hours. Full time hours in 4 days per week or 9 days per fortnight? Or 4 long days and one half day between school drop off and pick up?

a couple i know do compressed hours. he takes a friday off and she takes a monday off. tues-thurs they do one daily pick up or drop off each (ie start work early and finish early to do pick up, or do drop off and then start work late and finish late) and wrap around childcare is working fine. they take turns to collect sick children. it’s not all on her.

if you and dh could do this - or even drop a half day a week each (thats not very much) - then you’d earn almost the same as now and have a little more time in hand so you wouldn’t have to work so early/late to make up for your days off. but make sure youre not doing the same amount of work for less pay. it happens so frequently abd is not fair. the discussion heeds had at the time and put in writing what is to be dropped.

The alternative would be to change 9-5 to 8-4 for one parent and 10-6 for the other if that’s enough time to do drop off and get to work.

youll need something in place for summer so youre right to think about this now as places fill up quickly once available.

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. Definitely not pressuring him just to be clear - sharing my thoughts here but certainly not putting it to DH this way, I wholeheartedly agree there should be no double standards when it comes to men/women and reducing hours.

I am already 4 days p/w and have made lots of work related sacrifices over the years that DH hasn’t which I think is where my head is at - not expecting him to do something he doesn’t want to but I am a bit gutted he doesn’t want to despite flagging that he’s worried about school and our DS spending so much time in the care of others.

Loads of helpful reassuring and suggestions about working and using wrap/childminders etc which has helped alleviate some mum guilt! Thanks all

You will find when they go to school that there are very few kids who have one of their parents at home. ASC, childminders, holiday clubs are all pretty standard.

Yea he needs to put his money where his mouth is and move to 4 days / compressed hours etc, just like so many women do. He needs to commit to doing the school run at least 1 day / week. How he makes that work
is up to him. Hardly much to ask

This is true but it’s usually a mix of all those things. Very unusual to have a SAHP parent but also very unusual to be in childcare more than 3 days/week