AIBU to want DH to reduce work for better family balance?

[Coleman93]

Context to follow but as the higher earner AIBU to want DH to take a step back from his career so we have a better balance at home and with our DS?

Both DH and I currently work FT pressured jobs (corporate so it’s definitely not life or death!) - I work over 4 days, he tends to work longer hours due to the industry. I’m in a Director level role earning 50% more than he is in a sales mgmt role. We have one DS, 4yo. We earn good money, have the usual mortgage / bills etc to pay for, nothing out of the ordinary.

I particularly struggle with the fact that DS spends a lot of time (4 full days per week feels like a lot to me!) at nursery/with grandparents, but whilst he’s been at nursery it’s worked okay. DS is happy and settled.

Facing the transition to school has us both concerned about finding available childcare, until recently I was fully remote, I now attend the office 1-2 days per week. We will need wrap around care at least 3 if not 4 days per week, plus all the school hols. (I plan to have at least 1 day per week where I work from home so can do drop and pick up etc).

I appreciate we are in a fortunate position for me to even be able to consider this because some families, due to affordability, have no choice but to have both parents work FT, or are single parent households. That is one of the reasons I struggle tbh, because it feels like greed rather than necessity that DS will be cared for by lots of people other than us.

We could afford to cover outgoings and live within our means on my salary alone but not on my DH salary.

We both acknowledge life would be easier and preferable for DS if one of us worked at least PT, and we both grew up in households where mum was available for drop off/pick up everyday and all the holidays.

But my DH wouldn’t even contemplate altering his job/trying to look for something more flexible or PT. AIBU to want him to rethink? It makes much more sense financially for me to be the main earner, even if just for a short time.

Yes we could sell our house and downsize, and cut back so we could live within our means on his salary but that feels like a lot of sacrifice for all of us so he gets to keep his job…

I love him and want him to be happy, fulfilled, etc. and imagine if he did step back for a few years he’d probably hate it and resent us both for it, which is genuinely equally gutting and infuriating, if I wasn’t earning so much more, despite absolutely loving my career, I’d do it as I truly believe it would benefit us all during these short years while DS is little, sad he doesn’t feel the same.

He doesn’t want to contemplate it, agrees it would benefit you all if someone did pick ups but you don’t want to either. Not sure there is anywhere to go with this.

Can you do pick ups in the 3/4 days you wfh? Could grandparents do one?

OOf, this is a tricky one. There are benefits of both parents working (for them, for the family, and for contingency / the future) And, it is easy to say that the higher earner gets to call the shots, but that's not completely fair either. GP are great but it isn't really fair on them to be reigned into a permanent thing unless they are absolutely up for it. Difficult to unpick unless you understand his reasoning. You are not unreasonable to ask him to explore the options though. Good luck xx

It’s not so much that I don’t want to do the school runs but that I can’t without finding another job which would leave us in a much worse position financially unfortunately… even if I was wfh all week, I just wouldn’t get away with having DS home with me each day, plus we still have holidays to cover!

Totally agree, I do really worry about my parents, they are amazing and genuinely love my DS but are recently retired and I want them to be able to enjoy retirement and time with DS and not like it’s a chore!

Can’t help but think there isn’t a solution where everyone is happy tbh!

You may need to split holidays so you can cover them with one parent at a time , or someone takes unpaid parental leave for four weeks in the summer

If you can’t and he won’t then it’s wraparound care and holiday clubs. This is how we did it for a good few years pre covid, helped by both grandparents who did a pick up each and the odd day during holidays to break things up. Kids were happy, we had fulfilling careers and enough money for good holidays and general socialising/days out.

I think keep talking and don’t rush into anything. You can’t force him to go part time and it will cause resentment if it isn’t his decision. The situation will gradually resolve itself in a way that suits you both. Things change - you might find you can both pick up from school one day a week, one of you may lose your job or find another closer to home etc etc.

For context, we both worked full time, kids are now teenagers. I was desperate to go part time when they were young but employers never allowed it. DH’s did - but it led to him not being promoted or put on the good projects. There can be a penalty.
We muddled through (pandemic helped massively) and one day just realised that working full time mainly based from home was working for both of us - once kids are about 9 they don’t need wraparound, they’re fine if you’re in the house.

It will work out if you keep communicating and stay open to other opportunities and ideas. Parental leave for summer holidays is a godsend.

Au pair?

You’re suffering mum guilt and trying to offload it on him because you’re the higher earner. Your guilt is making you think your DS shouldn’t be in nursery 4 days a week. Your guilt is making you think a mum or dad must be there for school runs and all the holidays.

He doesn’t think the same as you because he hasn’t been bombarded with societal messaging designed to make him feel guilty for having a career and a child.

Just let the mum guilt go. Your DS will be fine with wrap around care and the two of you talk my turns to cover sick days and holidays.

You say you currently go to the office 1-2 days a week. Why is that changing to only 1 day per week wfh?
my ds did 3 days ASC, one with gps and one me. I wfh so he didn’t need to bf club. It was fine, good actually. He loved ASC.

holidays we did some weeks at holiday club, family holiday then a couple of weeks of a couple of days leave each and a couple of days with gps. It was probably no more than 2 weeks holiday club. Again he had fun there as an only child, we chose one with swimming every day and he was in heaven.
can you and dh buy more holiday? That was definitely worth it for us.

i think k you’re being quite extreme asking dh to go pt or change career, this can be managed well with just a bit of flexi and a bit of extra leave.

He doesn't want to go part time or change jobs and I think you would be unreasonable to push the issue.
Id think the same if the roles were reversed.

Is this a reverse?

As an only child he will enjoy the company of other children, he still has mum and dad time mornings, evenings, weekends, holidays. I think under the circumstances you should focus your energy on placing him somewhere that he can go for the rest of the time i.e. keep to a routine, with the same place so he knows all the staffs faces and make’s friends he sees regularly which will keep him comfortable and life in a balanced and stable routine. Rather than chopping and changing as he’s still little.

This is spot on. It’s entirely normal where I live for both parents to work full time. We picked a school for DS with great after school clubs and separate wrap-around provision. He gets great opportunities (next term, for example, he’s doing gardening club on day a week), gets to hang out with his friends after school and generally have way more fun than if he was at home. No guilt here and the fact that DH and I both work means than we can afford to do nice things when we do have time off together.

Send the mum guilt back to the 1950s where it belongs. Both parents working FT is completely normal and he will be fine.

Neither parent should feel pressured to change jobs, that will lead to resentment down the line.

You both want to stay in the roles/hours you are now so you find a way to make it work. Have a look now what holiday clubs are offered locally, what wrap around is at your preferred school. Is a nanny a possibility or a childminder for after school and holidays?

there are plenty of options there especially as your lucky enough to be able to fund them.

So why don’t you go part time and do say 3 days a week? Why should he?

Yanbu, but Mumsnet is very anti men reducing working hours for some reason. It's fine for women of course 😉

It’s a tough call if he doesn’t want to do it. You say you do four days, could you go back up to five but finish earlier? I currently work four days so I have Friday off with our son, but my plan is to do fiver shorter days when he starts school so he isn’t at breakfast and after school club every day. School holidays we will just have to make work with grandparents and clubs!

Was just thinking that if this were the other way around all the replies would be telling OP to give up work and that it made total sense for her to be the one at home. Apparently not so for lower earning men though.

The negative consequences for him (he'd hate it, he'd miss out on his career development) are just as valid as the ones you cite for yourself (you'd have to downsize, change your lifestyle). So it's not really fair to arrive at the conclusion that he should be the one to take the whole hit just because you're the higher earner.

If you both really feel that as a family you need to be there more for your DS then you both have to work out a way that involves both of you compromising - probably a bit of everything - he takes a career hit to a lesser extent and you find a different job that pays a bit less but is more flexible, and you take some financial hit. I suspect it's not worth it and you'll decide to keep things as they are but it can't work as one or the other doing all the sacrificing here.

I am for anyone reducing hours if it’s practical and it’s what they want.

But any decisions need to be made jointly and without pressure.

Could you work part-time?

I don't think they would. I think they would be telling her that it is her choice. The same goes for this lady's dh, it is his choice. If she wishes to be there more often for her dc then she may need to adapt her own work, yes she earns more but that doesn't mean she gets to make all the decisions.

I think op that you and your dh need to sit down together and talk things through. Ultimately, you'll need to decide together on a way forward that works for all of you.

YABU