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Original poster

To be allowing teen dd’s ex to sleep over?

37 replies

healingqueen · 03/04/2026 23:03

i have posted before about dd, and i need some outsider opinions on whether i’ve let too much slide. If you know the story fast forward to the end if you want

She was a good student in primary school and year 7 and majority of year 8, i did split with her dad over the summer of year 7 whilst pregnant with my youngest (he ended things with me) but we still remained living together and not alot changed initially for any of us, we were still in the same bed etc. But dd’s behaviour change in 2024 coincided with her knowing that her dad was going to move out soon and her meeting her bf.

She was instantly a different child, she stopped handing in homework, her attitude towards school changed and she was getting detentions for rudeness, she was truanting lessons with her bf and she skipped school a few times (she got the bus so she’d leave as normal but didn’t go). She came home having smoked weed with him the once she was 14 and i wasn’t happy . We weren’t getting along and after an argument dd went to live with her dad where she got more freedom due to his work schedule and was able to invite the bf over whenever

He’s her now ex and he doesn’t have a good home life , he lives with his dad and older brothers and it seems choatic and he often says his dad doesn’t care where he is or what he does , i’ve only spoken to him once and he said how did he know that his son was the dad and called dd a slag. he’s never met the baby and her ex has said he’s not even said anything. they had a toxic relationship theud break up and the next minute theud be in love again etc, maybe this was normal teens but i don’t know. He would also promise to do better after every breakup but it was always the same. He didn’t treat her very good during the pregnancy when they were together and dd broke up with him after catching him out in a lie. he didn’t like being caught out and wouldn’t leave her alone, he’d wait at her bus stop and get his friends to bully her etc. This causes a lot of anxiety towards the end of her pregnancy which she didn’t need

He’s not at school anymore but i don’t know whether he’s just not going or something happened as in exclusion or something, he has just said he’s doesn’t go anymore and school obviously can’t telll me due to data protection.

Now dd is 15, he’s 14 and their baby is 7 weeks (already!), after the bullying i thought he wasn’t going to be involved and i was happy tbh although dd said she wanted him to be as he is the only other person who can relate being the baby’s father. He ended up being at the birth with dd’s dad due to circumstances

Since then he’s been over pretty often, he came over on mother’s day and brought dd chocolate from the baby and he then cried to dd about how he missed his mum (she is still alive but he doesn’t see her and she doesn’t know she has a grandchild) i flick between being angry at how he treated dd and then feeling sorry for him and in that moment i felt sorry for him. He then seemed embarrassed and apologised to dd for crying and looking stupid and told her not to tell anyone and his dad would kill him if he found out he was crying especially over his mum

THE REASON IM POSTING

Since then i’ve been feeling more sorry for him but still slightly cynical that he wants dd back and that’s the reason he’s coming over and not for baby. I’ve been allowing him to come over more regularly and he’s slept over a handful of times too. DD is bottle feeding now so he gets up and gives baby a bottle when he’s sleeping over. I don’t believe they’re back together although they did go to nandos together with a gift card he had and dd did tell me he has said he’d like them to get back together but she hasn’t given him a proper answer as she wants to focus on the baby and not him especially as their relationship would be different to before and other teens and she wasn’t sure he realised that. im not sure he’ll still be involved if he gets a new gf though.

This past week i’ve allowed him to come over during the day as it’s the holidays so whatever the school situation is he’s not supposed to be there anyway and they usually do their own thing with baby here or they go for walks etc, today i went to the park with my younger dx to meet a friend and we got chatting, she asked how dd was and i said she was ok and she was home with the baby and she was tired but her ex was sleeping over tonight so she should get a better sleep if he helps and my friend was horrified and said they’re still children at the end of the day and “baby #2 will soon be here”

Have I made a total mistake?? I want to keep lines open with dd as in the past she went to her dads and we didn’t have a good relationship at all so i still want to keep her close but im finding this difficult to navigate as yes she’s a child but she’s also a mum

OP posts:
Endofyear · 03/04/2026 23:15

I wouldn't be having him stay over, no. Let him visit during the day but unless you want baby #2 on the way, I'd keep it to daytime visits. You really don't want them getting back together.

COUNCAT14 · 03/04/2026 23:30

I’m sure I’ve read your posts before. I absolutely do think he should be helping out with nights- why should DD do it alone? However, I do think you’re being a bit naive in facilitating the relationship. I’d be very wary about it. No sleeping in the same bed/room etc and serious conversation with DD about contraception.

outerspacepotato · 03/04/2026 23:35

You have younger children in the home and that would be a NO. He should not be sleeping overnight there.

Ohthatsabitshit · 03/04/2026 23:43

Are they using contraception? Are they even sleeping together? I think the biggest gift you could give your grandchild is supporting them both to grow into the best they can be. It’s unlikely they will be together but they can still be good parents with help.

InfoSecInTheCity · 03/04/2026 23:55

Yes I think you need to set some firm boundaries and have some honest conversations with your daughter. They evidently do have sex with each other, the result is currently 7 weeks old, also evidence that they don’t use contraception when they do it. They are both underage, irresponsible because they are immature and not at all ready for what they are having to deal with. Both he and your daughter appear to have had chaotic childhoods with limited boundaries. If she’s not pregnant again already she probably will be soon, it’s not uncommon for women to get pregnant within 3 months of giving birth and fertility returns within 3 weeks so if they have had unprotected sex then she needs to test.

Ibwah · 03/04/2026 23:56

this is all very complicated isn’t it? I know he has fathered a child but he is only a child himself. It sounds like he needs a good adult parent / role model but that cannot be you as your responsibilities are your own daughter and kids. You ideally need to sit down with whoever is the responsible adult for him and talk through arrangements and boundaries. I do not think most parents would agree to having a 14 year old boyfriend stay the night, let alone when they’re not together. I would not trust a 14 year old boy to take care of a baby overnight.

Original poster
healingqueen · 04/04/2026 00:03

Ohthatsabitshit · 03/04/2026 23:43

Are they using contraception? Are they even sleeping together? I think the biggest gift you could give your grandchild is supporting them both to grow into the best they can be. It’s unlikely they will be together but they can still be good parents with help.

I don't think they are even sleeping together as they aren't in a relationship

DD and baby did have their 6 week the other day where they likely talked about contraception as they did at all of mine

DD didn't mention it but she didn't really say a whole lot about the appointment just they were happy with her and baby and his weight etc

But also sex doesn't just happen over night he never stayed over at her dads when she got pregnant she just would invite him over when her dad was working and they'd be alone together but this was daytime

I just don't know what to do for the best and his dad isn't someone you can have a civil conversation with unfortunately as proven by when I told him dd was pregnant

OP posts:
LadyWhistledownsSocietyPapers · 04/04/2026 00:17

Oh this sounds awful for everyone. And they're both just children themselves. I wouldn't want to give an opinion because this is a very complex situation. The boy clearly needs support which is separate to this, and your DD needs support as a very young Mum.

I don't agree with shutting the boy out though, he is your GC father and will be a role model, whether that will be good or bad depends on the help he gets now (not that I expect you to be responsible might I add).

Is there a professional you could ask advice from? The boy most certainly needs some professional help. Non existent Mum and a Dad who sounds awful, uncaring and misogynistic.

LadyWhistledownsSocietyPapers · 04/04/2026 00:19

Sorry if I've missed it, but are SS not involved due to their ages?

SunMoonandChocolate · 04/04/2026 00:29

What an awful situation to find yourself in OP. Sadly, as you know only too well, kids don't literally have to sleep together for a girl to get pregnant, and if they want to have sex, they will, any time, any place, anywhere.

Does you DD have any regrets yet about getting pregnant so young? If so, she may be extremely reluctant to even risk sleeping with him again. However, is she on any form of long term contraception, IUD, implants, etc., or is she on the pill, or set up with some other form of protection, so that they are not solely reliant on using condoms, as we all know in the heat of the moment it's easy to get carried away, and breaking off to put a condom on, simply may not happen? If not on any birth control right now, then I really think you should insist if at all possible, that she gets it sorted, even if she says she has no intention of having sex with him, as youngsters are more likely to get carried away in the moment, than a more experienced couple. I note you say that 'they likely talked about contraception' at the 6 week check, and that she didn't really talk about it, but did you ask? If not, then I definitely think you need to sit down and have a chat with her about where she sees her future going, and maybe bring up the 6 week check which would give you the opportunity to ask if they discussed contraception, and whether she's done anything about it. Sadly, if you can't get her to talk to you about it, I think it highly likely that you will end up with another pregnancy to deal with, but you really do need to try and open up communication with her, without putting pressure on her if possible.

As for the BF, I don't think it's wrong to let him sleep over if he's helping care for his child, but I wouldn't make it too easy, and would, if at all possible, have him sleep in a separate room to your daughter. Maybe let him sleep on the sofa, and have the baby next to him, if that works, although to be honest, I'd worry he'd sleep through the baby crying, so would still feel the need to have a monitor on, so that your DD can keep an ear out, just in case.

InfoSecInTheCity · 04/04/2026 00:32

healingqueen · 04/04/2026 00:03

I don't think they are even sleeping together as they aren't in a relationship

DD and baby did have their 6 week the other day where they likely talked about contraception as they did at all of mine

DD didn't mention it but she didn't really say a whole lot about the appointment just they were happy with her and baby and his weight etc

But also sex doesn't just happen over night he never stayed over at her dads when she got pregnant she just would invite him over when her dad was working and they'd be alone together but this was daytime

I just don't know what to do for the best and his dad isn't someone you can have a civil conversation with unfortunately as proven by when I told him dd was pregnant

Edited
Show quote history

They are sleeping in the same room.

You don’t need to be in a relationship with someone to have sex with them.

You seem very passive, why would it be the doctors responsibility at the 6 week check to talk to your child about contraception? You need to approach the discussion with your daughter. You know 100% that she has been sexually active, she was either very unlucky and had a contraception failure or more likely they just didn’t use it. Your child needs you to be a parent, to help her to make the right decisions, to guide her away from the wrong ones. The boy should be given every reasonable opportunity to be a dad, to learn how to care for his child and to support your daughter, that doesn’t have to include sleeping over in her bed.

PencilsInSpace · 04/04/2026 00:37

The risk of another pregnancy is not the only thing to consider.

This lad has treated your daughter like shit. You say they had a toxic relationship and during her pregnancy he and his mates stalked, harassed and bullied her. This abusive behaviour only happened a few weeks ago.

Your daughter is not with him, he's her abusive ex. She has enough on her plate with a new baby at such a young age without having to deal with him there all the time. You need to put your daughter first and create a space (her home!) around her which is calm and safe and allows her to focus on herself and her baby.

She's still a child and she needs your protection.

He does sound vulnerable and his dad sounds like an arsehole. It would be great if a responsible adult could rescue him from that situation but for your daughter's sake it should not be you.

PurpleLovecats · 04/04/2026 00:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PencilsInSpace · 04/04/2026 00:43

LadyWhistledownsSocietyPapers · 04/04/2026 00:19

Sorry if I've missed it, but are SS not involved due to their ages?

Yes, surely there's a sw involved here, what do they say?

PinkNailPolish2026 · 04/04/2026 00:44

PencilsInSpace · 04/04/2026 00:43

Yes, surely there's a sw involved here, what do they say?

Show quote history

Probably nothing as it’s fabricated.

Original poster
healingqueen · 04/04/2026 01:03

Social services aren't involved dd was spoken to when she was pregnant to see if it was consensual and if she actually wanted to keep the baby and she wasn't being pressured or anything like that but they have no concerns, sorry should’ve mentioned that in OP

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 04/04/2026 01:19

I agree with your friend. They are still kids themselves ! And still a few years till they are both adults. I wouldn’t allow the sleeping over. I wouldn’t tiptoe around it either, if your dd wants to move in with her dad then let her but I bet your ex wouldn’t want a baby moving in.

Pinkflamingo10 · 04/04/2026 04:37

So I would bring your daughter to sexual health clinic or GP asap and get her the implant or contraceptive injection or similar.
presuming they’re not having sex is naïve.
I don’t think he should be allowed to stay overnights.

FiatLuxAdAstra · 04/04/2026 04:45

They’re babies having babies. You can’t view him like you would a grown man or her like a grown woman. They are going through all the changes into adulthood while having a baby.

You need to be more active and less passive.

Zanatdy · 04/04/2026 05:47

I wouldn’t allow a boyfriend (even ex) to stay over when under the age of consent. Or he sleeps in another room, but no way he would be sleeping in my DD’s room.

LoudSnoringDog · 04/04/2026 06:13

I would be doing all I could to keep
my daughter out of any kind of relationship with this boy. Including getting up myself in the night to help with the baby. This is such a toxic situation

Wowwhataworld · 04/04/2026 07:18

I think you should sit them both down together and discuss this. They are children playing at being adults now so won’t have the maturity to discuss this themselves. During this conversation I’d be raising sex and contraception.

SunMoonandChocolate · 04/04/2026 10:25

I can't believe how many people on here are saying they wouldn't allow the BF to stay overnight! It's very naive to think that not letting him sleep over, will stop them having sex, and the fact that he's showing signs of being interested in helping care for his child, is a good thing that should be encouraged. Of course it may not last, but I think it's important to try, and who knows, if the BF has had a poor upbringing, this may just be the making of him.

However, I think it's also important for the OP to work on her relationship with her DD, so that she will talk to her Mum about contraception, and everything else that is important in this difficult situation.

EwwPeople · 04/04/2026 10:48

First I’d make sure she’s on long term, reliable contraception.
Then I’d have an honest chat about the boy, her feelings and where does she see this going.
Then I’d focus on her plans and goals for the future and support and advise HER accordingly on that.

Yes he is a sad boy with a billion issues, however that’s not your or your daughter’s responsibility to fix , if they can even be fixed. Atm he’s probably just trying to recreate the stable family environment he never had, but I suspect that will be highly detrimental to your daughter.

JLou08 · 04/04/2026 10:58

I can't believe you haven't spoke to her about contraception. You need to do that ASAP. Very naive of you to think people who aren't in a relationship don't have sex. I wouldn't be allowing the sleepovers, he treated her poorly, she is still a child so you have the opportunity here to reduce the chance of her slipping back into a relationship with him and reduce the risk of another pregnancy. Do you really not see how sharing a room overnight with an ex makes it very likely they will slip back in to sex and a relationship? It may happen anyway but sharing a room gives a lot more opportunity for intimacy.