To be allowing teen dd’s ex to sleep over?

[healingqueen]

i have posted before about dd, and i need some outsider opinions on whether i’ve let too much slide. If you know the story fast forward to the end if you want

She was a good student in primary school and year 7 and majority of year 8, i did split with her dad over the summer of year 7 whilst pregnant with my youngest (he ended things with me) but we still remained living together and not alot changed initially for any of us, we were still in the same bed etc. But dd’s behaviour change in 2024 coincided with her knowing that her dad was going to move out soon and her meeting her bf.

She was instantly a different child, she stopped handing in homework, her attitude towards school changed and she was getting detentions for rudeness, she was truanting lessons with her bf and she skipped school a few times (she got the bus so she’d leave as normal but didn’t go). She came home having smoked weed with him the once she was 14 and i wasn’t happy . We weren’t getting along and after an argument dd went to live with her dad where she got more freedom due to his work schedule and was able to invite the bf over whenever

He’s her now ex and he doesn’t have a good home life , he lives with his dad and older brothers and it seems choatic and he often says his dad doesn’t care where he is or what he does , i’ve only spoken to him once and he said how did he know that his son was the dad and called dd a slag. he’s never met the baby and her ex has said he’s not even said anything. they had a toxic relationship theud break up and the next minute theud be in love again etc, maybe this was normal teens but i don’t know. He would also promise to do better after every breakup but it was always the same. He didn’t treat her very good during the pregnancy when they were together and dd broke up with him after catching him out in a lie. he didn’t like being caught out and wouldn’t leave her alone, he’d wait at her bus stop and get his friends to bully her etc. This causes a lot of anxiety towards the end of her pregnancy which she didn’t need

He’s not at school anymore but i don’t know whether he’s just not going or something happened as in exclusion or something, he has just said he’s doesn’t go anymore and school obviously can’t telll me due to data protection.

Now dd is 15, he’s 14 and their baby is 7 weeks (already!), after the bullying i thought he wasn’t going to be involved and i was happy tbh although dd said she wanted him to be as he is the only other person who can relate being the baby’s father. He ended up being at the birth with dd’s dad due to circumstances

Since then he’s been over pretty often, he came over on mother’s day and brought dd chocolate from the baby and he then cried to dd about how he missed his mum (she is still alive but he doesn’t see her and she doesn’t know she has a grandchild) i flick between being angry at how he treated dd and then feeling sorry for him and in that moment i felt sorry for him. He then seemed embarrassed and apologised to dd for crying and looking stupid and told her not to tell anyone and his dad would kill him if he found out he was crying especially over his mum

THE REASON IM POSTING

Since then i’ve been feeling more sorry for him but still slightly cynical that he wants dd back and that’s the reason he’s coming over and not for baby. I’ve been allowing him to come over more regularly and he’s slept over a handful of times too. DD is bottle feeding now so he gets up and gives baby a bottle when he’s sleeping over. I don’t believe they’re back together although they did go to nandos together with a gift card he had and dd did tell me he has said he’d like them to get back together but she hasn’t given him a proper answer as she wants to focus on the baby and not him especially as their relationship would be different to before and other teens and she wasn’t sure he realised that. im not sure he’ll still be involved if he gets a new gf though.

This past week i’ve allowed him to come over during the day as it’s the holidays so whatever the school situation is he’s not supposed to be there anyway and they usually do their own thing with baby here or they go for walks etc, today i went to the park with my younger dx to meet a friend and we got chatting, she asked how dd was and i said she was ok and she was home with the baby and she was tired but her ex was sleeping over tonight so she should get a better sleep if he helps and my friend was horrified and said they’re still children at the end of the day and “baby #2 will soon be here”

Have I made a total mistake?? I want to keep lines open with dd as in the past she went to her dads and we didn’t have a good relationship at all so i still want to keep her close but im finding this difficult to navigate as yes she’s a child but she’s also a mum

I wouldn't allow him to stay over either. Frankly, you've enough on your plate supporting your own DD, DGC and your other children, without the added complication of your sympathy for a troubled teen boy who is not your responsibility.
Its one thing to facilitate him helping DD, within strict age appropriate boundaries, its quite another when it involves him bringing his own troubles with him and you listening and feeling sorry for him. Before you know it, he'll be at yours because 'he's got no one else' and your DD will be stuck with him whether she wants him around or not.

They can easily do the deed during the day if they wanted to so don’t think staying over is necessarily the issue. I think given they already have a child together, the best thing to do is to speak to your DD about contraception. Becoming a father and having positive influence from you may be the making of them both even if they’re not together. You’re doing the right thing by supporting them as it sounds like he has a poor parenting template.

Allowing him to stay overnight is supporting and encouraging an adult relationship, a pseudo-marriage and partnership, playing happy families.

This is 2 kids, they need boundaries and for someone to model what appropriate relationships look like. If your grown up friend said ‘ my boyfriend encouraged all his friends to abuse and bully me, he abandons me whenever he doesn’t feel like dealing with me and our child, he is inconsistent in his care for our child.”

would you support her having an ongoing relationship and facilitate him sharing her room and her bed or would you suggest that she set guardrails around the relationship, that she agree specific contact times with their child and maintain her own space?

OP needs to do right thing by her DD. That boy is not her responsibility or problem to fix. Don’t put that on her or her daughter. He’s not the Beast and they’re not Belle. They can’t love him straight, and neither should they.

Whilst I appreciate the sentiment, the boy as the father of her grandchild will have an impact on her daughter and grandchild so whilst he’s not a priority, he should also be considered in all of this.

I don’t allow him to stay over every night and he doesn’t come over everyday so dd still has space from him

He was coming over for a few hours of an evening and at weekends for a few hours

He is my grandsons father regardless of how he treated dd and at least if he stops wanting to be involved then dd can say she tried and she didn’t ever stop him when grandson is old enough and questions it

I didn’t say it was up to the doctors to talk to her about contraception but that’s what happened at all my 6 week checks so i was saying that it’s likely she spoke about it im not being passive or making it be their job

I wouldn’t have him staying over and I’d definitely discourage a relationship with him. She’s a child- you should talk to her about contraception

I have discoraged her from having a relationship with him but he is still in her life unfortunately due to grandson and i think it’s best they’re civil at least for his sake

bump

What more do you want people to say? I gave my opinion but you didn’t respond.

Nobody is saying it is not the drs job to talk about contraception, just that you should too.

Also they’re not in a relationship but could still be having sex, don’t make it easy for them. Yes they could leave the house and shag in a field but it’s unlikely with a baby in tow! (So don’t be doing too much babysitting!).

And I still think it’s worth calling SS about the dad, he sounds a bit neglected.

Exactly this. I don’t think there’s anything further that can be said that hasn’t already.

Your comment got deleted so I didn't get a chance to properly read it.

A poster did say that it's my job not the doctors and asked why I expected them to talk to dd about contraception but I don't “expect them” it's literally just what happens at the appt

I don't babysit I am going to when dd goes back to education in September but she hasn't asked apart from that