To think this was not okay?

[Noobzz]

My ex recently left our 8-year-old son outside a motorway services with the dog while they went inside to get something from a café.

He was sitting on a bench and the dog was tethered to it. It was a quiet Sunday morning and they say there were very few people around. However, the café is at the back of the services, so I would say he was out of sight for at least 5 minutes.

Nothing happened, but it’s been playing on my mind. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving him like that, even if it was quiet.

For context, we have 50/50 custody and co-parent really well 99% of the time. They’re a good parent and I do trust their judgement, which is partly why I wasn’t even sure whether to question it — but this just didn’t sit right with me.

We do encourage independence — for example he’s allowed to play across the road at a park visible from their house, which I’m fine with.

They think it was completely reasonable and said I was being over the top for even raising it as an issue. When I did bring it up, they said they wouldn’t do it again, but it was said in a blunt, slightly sarcastic way which has left me feeling a bit unsure.

I don’t think I am, but I’d genuinely like a sense check.

AIBU to think this wasn’t appropriate, or am I being unreasonable?

If I saw a child unsupervised i would be asking him where his parent was.

Whilst I agree with the sentiment and logic I don’t think it applies to this particular situation

No way on this planet I'd be comfortable with it. And ultimately in that situation I wouldn't care if DS' Dad thought I was over-reacting... I'm truly not comfortable. So I'd politely be pointing out how important it is to me, whether they agree or not, and asking to please not leave him alone again out of respect for my wishes. Just my opinion based on my own DC but I don't believe an 8 year old has enough cognitive function to appropriately problem solve the range of possible scenarios which could come up in that situation

I wouldn't leave an 8-year-old outside a services.

What did he say when you asked him about it?

He said he didn’t like it but wouldn’t tell me why. He’s 8 so I’m used to not getting a full answer. Another reason I wanted to bring it up.

You shouldn't do that.

I think, reading this thread, I do see your point more than I did before - I think it's the fact he was with the dog that makes me feel more worried, because people are right in saying he might have struggled to respond if the dog had got into something with another dog.

And I think if he wasn't comfortable, it's fair to raise it, for sure. In fact, to me that's the main thing. In your OP you don't mention that, or how you raised the issue, but I think I'd be saying that more strongly. A child doesn't always have to justify why they feel uncomfortable: if they do, they do, and it's not fair.

I wouldn’t like it at all ,
I know she would be “safe “ my dog would bite anyone if they tried to take my daughter but I still wouldn’t leave her alone with him at a service station

Thank you. I wasn’t trying to drip feed as they say. There is no extra drama! Just responding to the questions and didn’t want to overload. Him feeling uncomfortable in that situation made me feel even more sure it was appropriate to raise it as a matter despite worrying about ‘rocking the boat’ in an otherwise healthy coparenting situation

I don't know anyone that would leave their 8 year old alone outside a services but I don't know why. Now I think about it is actually a bit sad.

At some point, 8 year olds went from playing out dawn til dusk to being under constant watch from their parents. I was always about 3 miles away from home all day in the summer when I was 8 and incidents with children have decreased since then although they're more present in the press.

Not in a million years would I do that. Never.

It is sad! When i think back to my 8 years old self we were ‘allowed’ to do all sorts. I do reckon I’m over protective of my son but also reasonable in my worries as a parent.

Your use of 'they' etc is confusing when you are talking about one person, either your ex or your child.

Just suggest to your ex that it was a bad idea and you don't want it to happen again.

Sex.

"Gender" is a social construct.

Unless the walk of life in question is kidnapping, I can't see how the different walks of life are relevant. I don't think there are whole sections of the population likely to do such a thing....

However, I probably wouldn't leave my 8 year old outside one alone. But to be unwilling to leave a 14 year old unsupervised for 5 minutes does seem worryingly over protective - young people do need to start to learn independence at some point.

OP, I don't think this is utterly awful of your ex, but now you have flagged it hopefully he will be a little more careful in future to avoid conflict.

Out of interest, how did you find out about t? I assume your son told you, but in what context? Was he worried about it?

I think the main problem is there were alternatives. If I had a dog; was alone and another sick child to clean up in toilets, I might make decision that it would be best for 8 year old to wait outside with dog while I dealt with situation. Sensible child and risk weighed up.

I can’t understand logic of 2 adults leaving child with dog alone for no other reason than… actually can’t think of one? Why did they both need to be at cafe but son didn’t?

I think this.

An 8 yo is in no way competent to be in charge of a dog. Therefore there’s no point leaving the child with the tethered dog.

What on earth was the child going to do if someone came to steal the dog? Nothing. What would the child do if the dog had a moment and barked or snapped at someone or needed something? Also nothing.

So best to avoid the risk (even if small) of leaving the child as they’re serving no real purpose being outside.

And the dog can hardly be relied on to guard the child.

The chance of the child being kidnapped isn’t exactly huge but it’s nothing in a place like a service station.

So I think YANBU

Edit - just read back and it looks like there were two adults present - so definitely they were unreasonable! One adult should definitely have stayed outside with the dog, and the child could then have been with either one of them.

I didn't think you were drip feeding! It's hard to put everything into an OP. I just meant, when you posted that, I thought that was what would have made the difference for me.

I do very much get it, btw. My DD is only months older than yours (she's 9) and on the whole I think her other parent does sensible things, and even so, sometimes you do question it.

I trusted my husband instincts enough to be a parent with him so married or not if he felt it was ok i would have no issue

We dont parent exactly the same as we are not the same people

No. My ex told me and it was lovely to hear that they all went on a walk together. There is a nice safe walking route to the services and it’s definitely not utterly awful. In fact I’m worried I’m overly cautious. I just don’t want my son in any situation like that where risk can be avoided. Yes he said he was uncomfortable but i also don’t know how much of that was my influence or true. But it was unexpected and seemed true to me

No worries. At least you asked a relevant question. It’s so hard to navigate sometimes

For me it is why leave them outside at all? If he's worried the dog would be stolen, an 8yo is unlikely to be much deterrent, and if it did happen, dc would then blame themself forevermore. I generally try and avoid that kind of risk.

I would be more likely to send dc into the cafe for the drinks - an 8yo can bring back 2 cans of lemonade or whatever.

Not a chance for park or services x

seems ok to me, but i think I was more liberal than many with my dc - my DD’s walked to school alone from 7&9

Inappropriate to leave a small child anywhere where others have access to easy transport. I’d include bus and train stations. Too easy to pick them up and be off.