To think this was not okay?

[Noobzz]

My ex recently left our 8-year-old son outside a motorway services with the dog while they went inside to get something from a café.

He was sitting on a bench and the dog was tethered to it. It was a quiet Sunday morning and they say there were very few people around. However, the café is at the back of the services, so I would say he was out of sight for at least 5 minutes.

Nothing happened, but it’s been playing on my mind. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving him like that, even if it was quiet.

For context, we have 50/50 custody and co-parent really well 99% of the time. They’re a good parent and I do trust their judgement, which is partly why I wasn’t even sure whether to question it — but this just didn’t sit right with me.

We do encourage independence — for example he’s allowed to play across the road at a park visible from their house, which I’m fine with.

They think it was completely reasonable and said I was being over the top for even raising it as an issue. When I did bring it up, they said they wouldn’t do it again, but it was said in a blunt, slightly sarcastic way which has left me feeling a bit unsure.

I don’t think I am, but I’d genuinely like a sense check.

AIBU to think this wasn’t appropriate, or am I being unreasonable?

No. I wouldn't either. Services can be quite dodgy

At 8 I wouldn’t have an issue with this so I think you’re being overprotective , but whoever said they wouldn’t leave their teenager that’s actually insane.

How long would it take to drag a small child to a car? What if they happened to already be in a stolen car, were wearing a hoodie and didnt give a shit about cctv? And were right by easy access to escape

Again, I know its unlikely. I'm just saying why I wouldnt do it

Thank you. Yes dogs are not allowed hence them staying outside.
I dont think gender is of importance in this situation. We are both caring and amicable parents. And not revealing gender hopefully gets a fairer response.

... or you're very naive!

I wouldn't. A child of that age isn't old enough to cope if a passing dog decides to have a pop at yours, apart from anything else. If there's absolutely no alternative to the adult going in, they would both be safer in the car.

I have 8yo twins.

One, I would do this with - the other, not on your nelly.

BoyTwin is extremely cautious and sensible, but also socially confident enough to talk to an adult if anyone approached him asking where his mum is etc.

We live on a cul de sac off a quiet road that leads to a fenced in field, and I have recently started letting him go for walks down to the field by himself.

GirlTwin is stubborn, independent and highly likely to climb something / go and look at something. If I left her, I'd find her halfway across the car park stroking someone's dog or trying to walk tightrope on the fence or something.

Can’t believe there are people here who think this is ok!

No I wouldn't do this. The expensive dog justification makes it sound worse not better.

Maybe I’m being overly cautious but for me it’s not work the risk. Just trying to gauge if I was unreasonable for bringing it up.

Thanks. This pretty much sums it up although I’ve already raised it and felt like it was met with contempt so I’m questioning being over the top or something reasonable to say.

Why on earth would he leave your son to watch the dog? Does he value the dog more than his son? Surely any sane person would have left the dog and took their child with them, regardless of age. Its his responsibility to watch his son.

I think a lot of people are discounting what this could look like in different areas. Some areas I won't even walk through they're that dodgy, so if it was one like that I wouldn't of been happy at all. A nicer, safer area would have had me less worried, but still would have been annoyed as you just never know. Predators are everywhere. If you can't even see your child while you go to do whatever, you are putting them at risk, especially at such a young age. Call me overprotective but I would never chance doing something 'really quickly', if it meant leaving my child unsupervised in public. Yanbu.

I would say something like "i don't want to make a big deal out of it, and I'm not attacking you, but it really made me uncomfortable that you left him unsupervised like that. Its not that I don't trust him or your judgement, but I don't trust other people. Please make sure you always supervise him from now, its not worth the risk".

You're not unreasonable to bring it up if you were concerned, but he's not unreasonable to point out that the risk was miniscule, much smaller than risks you take with him everyday (letting him go to the park, driving him in a car etc).

'It's not worth the risk' is a meaningless nonsense if you haven't actually weighed up what the risk is against other risks that you take in day to day life.

You would think this would be the case, but it does happen. Years back, my old work colleague was pestered by a man in a car wearing a hi vis jacket to let him give her a lift. She obviously said no and ran away. A few weeks later it come out in the news that a man in a hi vis jacket forced a different girl into his car and assaulted her. She was 25 years old and this was at 10AM in a busy area. It can happen so quickly. By the time the police were alerted it had already happened. Bundling an 8 year old into a car would be a lot easier.

I know this is dramatic given the OP but my point is that it can happen, and so quickly too, before anyone can do anything. Its never worth the risk, especially where kids are concerned. If something did happen, he would have a lot to answer for. The first question police would ask would be "why weren't you watching him?".

But this kind of proves the point why the phrase 'it's not worth the risk' is so pointless. If we follow the logic of your argument then 25 year olds shouldn't be left outside alone and that's surely insane?! You have to be ok with tiny amounts of risk or you can't live a normal life. We can't reduce risk to zero and we shouldn't try.

I get it what you are saying but I’m not sure it does prove anything. In this instance there was and alternative cafe (albeit serving not as nice food) that was located at the entrance with clear visiblilty of my son and the dog. They walked so no car was available. I would have chosen this in that situation as the option to minimise the risk was there.

NEVER EVER EVER EVER leave a alone child in charge of a dog EVER

No way would I have done this. I wouldn’t even leave my dog tethered outside a shop he’d be in the car and the kid would have come in with me

Absolutely, and I'm not saying we should try to minimise risk for everyone to zero. I'm emphasising that while we're supervising children, we should always try to keep the risk to zero.

You are unreasonable to bring it up because it didn’t happen on your parenting time.

the person is your ex, you don’t get to tell them how to parent anymore.

they made a judgement call, all was fine

end of story

Yes I know the ‘risk’ is minimal but any risk would be too high for me to take on my child’s safety

Statistically, the risk of something bad happening to them is far higher when they are in the car than when they are at the services. Do you never drive your kids anywhere?

@worldshottestmom the problem though is that mitigating all risks is increasing childhood mental health problems.
children learn by risk taking and by 8 in a sensible area a child should be able to sit and wait with a tethered dog. teaching a child the basics of safety needs to start early; looking both ways before crossing a street for example. By 11 children are busing to secondary unaccompanied. That’s a huge leap in 3 years if at 8 you’ve not been left 5 minutes.

Yanbu
Your DS was out of sight.
I wouldn’t be happy.
A Labrador wouldn’t deter anyone.

This seems a bit harsh. I would equally respect their concerns if it was the other way around and also we’ve never ‘told’ each other how to parent. Together and apart. We’re usually on the same page so to speak. This is a one off and the point of the post was to understand if I was okay to voice my concerns. Which I think I was. But thanks for your input.