Would you take DCs to a hospice visit?

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Would you/have you taken your children to a hospice?

My very elderly grandfather was admitted to hospice at the beginning of the week. It looks like we’re talking days now, if that. He’s mostly sleeping, occasionally shifts his body or opens his eyes. He responds a little to voice. He’s gone downhill a lot since I saw him yesterday when he was confused and frustrated about not being allowed out of bed.

I don’t know whether to take my 5 and 7 yos to visit. I didn’t visit my grandmother when she was dying (aged 10) and have always felt guilty. Equally, I’m not sure they’ll get much out of it. I don’t want them to be upset unnecessarily. They know he’s going to die soon and that he’s very old (late 90s) and has had a brilliant life. They last saw him a couple of weeks ago when he was much more ‘with it’. Do I leave that as their last memory?

WWYD?

No. Probably wouldn't

It doesn’t sound as if either party are desperate for this meeting, so I wouldn’t - just let them remember him how he was when they last saw him.

I think given they've seen him very recently and he's deteriorated so much in such a short amount of time I would leave it as their last memory of him.

Let them remember their grandfather when he was up and about and in relative good health. They don't need to see this and your grandfather doesn't need the stress of young children about in his last days.
Sorry about your impending loss, I'm sure it's very difficult.

I wouldn’t. My dad died in a hospice when my children were 6 and 8. They would have been incredibly upset to see him the way he was at the end. Better to leave them with a memory where he was more like himself.

Probably not.

My oldest definitely youngest no he’s far more sensitive
i think it depends on the kids and also have you talked about death in an age appropriate way way with them

No. I don't think it would be of benefit to either party.

I took ds2 aged 8 to see my my nan at the hospice before she died. She smiled when he touched her hand and although she looked really ill Ds2 didn't flinch and kissed her on the forehead and said 'nan, it's me. it made both of them happy as he hadn't seen her for a few weeks.
She died within a few days.

I dont regret taking him.

Why did you feel guilty about not visiting your grandmother? Did you get offered the choice and say no?

I took DD to visit my grandmother in hospital, but she was still aware and I believe it gave her a moment of pleasure to see DD. I'm not sure I would if the person is unlikely to be aware.

However I'm pretty sure my kids would have been fine to visit. Possibly a bit bored, but fine. I did regularly take them to see my other grandmother in a care home towards the end, partly because it made it easier to chat with them in the room. Would you prefer them there or is it easier without?

Depends on the child and also the atmosphere of the hospice.
My mum wouldn't take me to hospitals or funerals something which made me wonder what went on which was so bad.She then got cross because I took my children to funerals and to visit people in hospital and hospice to say goodbye.

My FIL died in a hospice a couple of months ago and we did not take DCs (9 and 11) to see him. We decided it was best that their last memory was of him before he had gone so far downhill. We just explained to them that sometimes when an elderly person is at the end of their life they don’t want too many people around, and they want people who love them to remember them as they used to be. The DCs were happy with that and understood. We did take them to the funeral.

My Dad was in a hospice for the last weeks of his life, and my daughter wanted to bring her 2 older DC in to see him one last time but we talked it through and I'd said I'd rather they remembered him as he was the last time they saw him. It's no place for young children.

My Dad died suddenly so hospice visiting wasn't something that was an option, but had it been he would have loved to see the grandchildren IF I didn't think they'd be traumatised by it. My Mum is in her 80!s now & would also love to see the grandchildren IF they coukd cope with it (but they're all much older than yours now). OTOH I was an adult when my maternal Grandad died, but he couldn't cope with the little ones.

there is no right or wrong , just making the best decision you can for the people involved 💕

While my nans not in a hospice, she isn’t the same nan I remember which is why I always find it hard to go and see her (I often don’t) and I want to remember her as the nan I had growing up (I’m 33).

honestly, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to see her if she was dying. Not because I don’t want to… but because I know for me I feel it will tarnish my memories of her but that’s a me issue that I need to deal with

Let them remember him as they knew him, not someone who is in a hospice and is seriously ill

No.

I completely get this. I know I have definitely unconsciously distanced myself from my grandparents in the last few years. I’ve still seen them every few months as a minimum, but they are very different to how I remember and it’s hard to watch the decline.

I think because my dad offered to take me with him when he was visiting and I declined. It was a 4 hour drive, we weren’t close, but I still feel like I did the wrong thing.

My Grandad came home from the hospice to die and even though I was only 4 when he died, I have a memory of seeing him in his bed before he died. It’s precious to me because it’s probably one of two organic memories I have of him. He was a happy soul and he put every morsel of energy he had left into smiling for me, he couldn’t move. He was only 55 when he died.

I’m not squeamish or wanting to overly protect kids from reality, but in the context you describe I would only do it if it was important to your children. If they were very close, you felt they were not able to say goodbye, or they would worry/feel guilty, I would do it. You might want to discuss with them? If I gave my 5yo the choice, he would probably opt for one last cuddle with my elderly folks.

I would also do it if I thought it would give the dying person joy, but your post suggests that isn’t really the case here.

Might be worth talking through with the hospice staff, as well as your kids? Sorry this is a difficult time for you, it sounds like you are being very kind and thoughtful.

We were in a similar situation last year. Grandad was at home but he was dying. My dc were older but they have autism/learning disabilities. We let the dc lead with what they wanted to do but within reason so they understood they had to be quiet etc. 11 year old wasn't really capable of being quiet so he only saw grandad when he was well enough to come to ours. 12 year old went to see him loads and would always do their washing up etc. Older dc couldn't cope with the constant goodbyes and him getting better, then worse again so didn't visit much towards the end.

I lost my Nan a couple of months ago and I wish I’d seen her more. I know she’d have loved it too.

I wouldn’t have taken my kids to see her in the last few days. She died in hospital rather than hospice but she looked completely different. I didn’t want my kids to remember her like that and I’m glad they didn’t go.

No, I wouldn't. What is there to be gained? They will be frightened and he is unlikely to know they are there.

Let them remember him as he was.

I went to see my gran in a hospice when I was about 10. But she was able to sit in a chair the the lovely big windows and look at the birds and chat. I didn't see her in the last week or so when she was just in bed and asleep, I think my parents made the right call there.

No I definitely wouldn't.