Would you take DCs to a hospice visit?

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Would you/have you taken your children to a hospice?

My very elderly grandfather was admitted to hospice at the beginning of the week. It looks like we’re talking days now, if that. He’s mostly sleeping, occasionally shifts his body or opens his eyes. He responds a little to voice. He’s gone downhill a lot since I saw him yesterday when he was confused and frustrated about not being allowed out of bed.

I don’t know whether to take my 5 and 7 yos to visit. I didn’t visit my grandmother when she was dying (aged 10) and have always felt guilty. Equally, I’m not sure they’ll get much out of it. I don’t want them to be upset unnecessarily. They know he’s going to die soon and that he’s very old (late 90s) and has had a brilliant life. They last saw him a couple of weeks ago when he was much more ‘with it’. Do I leave that as their last memory?

WWYD?

I think I was early high-school when I was taken to visit my grandfather in a similar situation. He had had several strokes by that point and was non verbal. I was left alone with him briefly and I still cringe now in my 40s about how awkward I was trying to talk to him knowing he couldn't respond. I wouldn't take them, they don't need to see that side of things I don't feel it would benefit.

I think it depends on your children. My DS was 9 when my dad died. The last time DS saw him was a few hours before he died and the last recognisable word he said was DS's name. However DS and my dad were very close and DS was a couple of years older than your oldest and 4 years older than your youngest. I think for DS, it was important to see his grandad, to know it was over, to actually picture that grandad was ready to go. I don't think the memories from the last 2 days in the hospice have really coloured DS's lasting memory of grandad. Yes they aren't exactly nice memories to have, but they are a tiny fraction of all his memories of grandad. I think it was important for him to know that grandad knew what was happening and was ok with going on to find Nana in heaven. Having said all that, it depends entirely on what would help your children. Best wishes.

Just ask him if he’d like to see them. And talk to your own children about dying. My mother was visited by three small neighbours children a couple of days before she died. It gave her such a boost.

I would if they were close to the person who was dying, if they wanted to go and if the staff agreed it was appropriate.

We took our children when my DH’s grand mother was in her final weeks. We didn’t tell them she was dying, just said that she was very poorly and wanted to see them as they made her feel happy. The place itself was lovely and she got to say goodbye, even though they were oblivious to that fact.

They don’t really remember it now but it meant the world to MiL (it was her mum) and to great nan.

My children are much more comfortable with dying than I ever was/am.

I have spoken to my eldest about whether he’d like to visit and he’s said yes but my concern is he feels like he should because it’s the ‘respectful thing’ to do. He’s autistic and very black and white. He has a PDA profile and my concern is that he’ll mask because he feels it’s very important. My other concern with him is that he might be too blunt about it all. Or launch into a lecture about the various ancient religions and their death related gods/practices (we’re on a big mythology kick).

On reflection, my youngest is definitely too anxious/emotionally immature. She’s at that age where she’s definitely old enough to know what’s going on, but young enough that it’s a bit much to handle.

I've never been to a hospice, but I saw my grandad in his bed the afternoon before he died. I didn't know he was going to die, or even know how ill he was, but I have a very strong memory of the worried faces of other adults in the room. It was nearly 40 years ago and it's never left me.
However, my main memories of my grandad are not of that day, but other, happier times.